Knowledge and Power
by Ski000Girl
Summary: It was only a basic spell, but it still backfired. Now I'm in the hospital and I can't remember anything. But Oh Merlin I can hear Potter's thoughts! This is going to get interesting. J/L
1. Undo It

The tingling in her legs would not go away. She flopped onto her stomach, but that only resulted in them burning more. It would go away, it had too. A high pitched whimper escaped her lips as the sensation of blood flowing back into her limbs caused her great discomfort. Finally, after what felt like Eons had gone by, the pain suddenly stopped. Finally she was able to move. It was only then that she realized the bedcovers that lay on top of her body and pulled tightly up to her neck were not the soft and cozy ones that usually adorned her four poster bed.

She rolled back over to her side as she found lying on her stomach to be one of the most uncomfortable positions one could find themselves in. Propping herself up on one elbow she tried to look around. What appeared to be an elaborate display of fireworks suddenly appeared in her line of vision. Reflexively her eyelids slammed themselves closed. What was going on? She felt dizzy and nausea as the sensation of unease swept through her.

Ever so slowly she cracked her eyelids again, and this time the flashes of light didn't await her. Instead she saw a white wall mere inches from the side of her bed. Where was she? What had happened?

Ever so slowly things began to come back to her. The only problem was nothing made sense. Her thoughts were scrambled and came rushing back to her in a horrendous jumble. It didn't matter how much she strained her brain, she couldn't pull the rush of images together.

Sounds drifted into the room from a far. Voices. Quickly followed by footsteps that got closer to her door, but then proceeded on down the corridor without stopping.

Gently she pulled herself up into a sitting position. Only then was she able to see the entire room and all of its contents. The room consisted of the bed that she was lying in, a lone chair and a plain wooden table that sat within arms reach of the bed. On top of the table was the remnants of candle, but it was not lit. The only light that entered the room came from a small window to the right of her bed. Beyond the glass she could see that it was either dawn or dusk. Anything more than that was a mystery to her.

If she squinted hard enough though she could make out rooftops she realized. They were off in the distance though. Wherever she was, she wasn't at Hogwarts that was for sure. Her heart rate began to accelerate at that realization and her stomach felt like it had dropped away. The panic didn't subside until unexpectedly the door creaked open.

"Good morning Ms Evans," the person said.

So it was morning after all. That new information allowed her to calm down slightly, that was until she remembered that she didn't know where she was nor why she was there. Suddenly an array of images flashed before her. It was meal time, there was a lot of food. Was it a holiday feasts? The more she strained her brain to try remember, the less she did.

"What happened?" she demanded, "where am I and who are you?"

The new addition to the room chuckled softly, "I see you don't remember anything."

"No," she sunk back down into the comfort of the bed. She was exhausted. All of the mental uncertainty had really wiped her out. Plus she really didn't enjoy not having the answer to a question. It was something she prided herself in, knowing all the answers that was. You don't become top of your class by just doing what is necessary to get by.

"Well if I was informed correctly by the Healer..."

Healer! Oh no, what had happened?

"...that treated you throughout the night..."

So maybe it was at a feast where the incident had occurred. If so what holiday was it? She really had no sense of time. It could be Christmas or the middle of summer for all she knew.

"...you were on the receiving end of a poorly executed jinx..."

She remembered Hogwarts but in no great detail. All she knew was that it played a huge part in her life. There was no recollection of friends or family, did she even have any? But for some strange reason a name popped into her mind. She didn't know what it meant, or who the name even belonged to, but when she said it her voice was laced with venom, "Potter."

"I'm sorry," the Healer enquired, obviously confused by her patients sudden comment.

"I don't really remember," she sighed.

"That's all right dear. This sort of damage is rarely permanent. I'll leave you to your thoughts," and with that the Healer made a quick escape.

Great, just great, she was no better off now than she was before. All she really knew was that she had at least been at what was apparently the hospital for the night and it was now the next day. On top of that the Healer had called her Ms. Evans. Something about that just didn't seem right. But again she just couldn't place what was off.

xxx

She had drifted back into a restless slumber, but again she as plagued with a continuous real of images. If only she could place them together.

With a start she sprang up into a sitting position. Her legs were all tangled in the sheets and sweat was dripping down her brow. Hastily she swiped her hand across her forehead, and then up through her hair. Her long auburn locks fell back and splayed across the white starched pillow case in great contrast.

It was almost there, if only she could reach out and grasp the thoughts, the memories. Something, it didn't matter how small. All she wanted to do was remember. Who she was, what had happened, and most importantly who was this Potter character that seemed to be dancing just out of reach?

With her eyes closed once more she tried to concentrate. Channelling all of her energy she hoped to have some success, but still nothing. Maybe she could actually get someone to come in who actually knew what had happened. Was that too much to ask for?

Maybe a little more sleep was all she needed. Yes, that's what she'd do, and when she awoke all the little puzzle pieces would have magically arranged themselves into their proper positions.

xxx

Well, the puzzle pieces had not managed to create the entire picture, but a small portion had been organized into their respective positions.

It was a start. A small step, but the relief it caused her was astronomical. Charity and Rosalyn, two names that really didn't mean much to her now. She was just proud that she had placed something. As the hours wore on she began to realize that whenever she thought of those two names a certain combinations of images always flashed before her. Sitting within the stacks of what appeared to be a great library, wearing the colours of a sports team and cheering them on-although the game they were watching was still a mystery-and racing around the corridors of an enormous stone building. It was always dark on those adventures, so she was never able to make out the images beyond the windows. She knew that if only she were able to see what lay beyond the building, everything would come back to her. No matter what she did though, she could never draw the characters of her memory close to one of the windows.

Maybe tomorrow would be a more successful day. She hoped so, for she was becoming stiff from all the lying around. She needed a break from the hard, lumpy mattress that she had spent at least 24 hours straight lying atop.

The sun had risen and set outside her small window as it would the next day and with that thought in mind, she fell asleep for the night. Cursing the Healer's who refused to tell her anything. Citing it would be useless if they fed her information. At this point she just wanted the answers, she didn't care how she got them.

xxx

Miraculously the next morning did bring with it better prospects. as soon as she woke up she remembered something huge.

"Lily!" she wanted to jump for joy. She knew that was right, that was her name. Okay she hadn't come up with it completely on her own. For when she had opened her eyes as the first crack of dawn she had seen a beautiful bouquet of white lily flowers sitting in a vase atop her night table. She didn't know how they had been placed there as she thought she had awoken every time someone had entered her room throughout the night. Apparently she was mistaken.

She leaned over to inhale the sweat scent of the flowers. The arrangement was rather extravagant and it made her wonder who was out there that carried so much about her. As an after thought she couldn't help but contemplate why if they cared enough to spend a fortune on flowers, why were they not physically at her bedside? Were they parents or did she have a boyfriend? Maybe that was who that Potter person was? That made sense, after all the name was the first thing that came back to her, which implied that he was very important in her life. That had to be it.

With a sense of accomplishment she decided to try something else. The Healer's had warned her against doing it but she felt that she was ready now. Flinging the sheets back she untangled herself from her confinements and then swung her legs off the side of the bed. The sight of her own flesh sent a wave of nausea rippling through her body. Spanning both of her legs, from the ankle to mid thigh were grotesque blisters. It appeared as if she had walked through a fire, but why was the rest of her body fine? Anyway, that wasn't the point. She needed to see out the window now. Gather her bearings and try to piece a bit more of her situation together. Something told her the outside world was the key to her mystery.

It was a slow and painful process, even though the window was only feet from her bedside. She had to cling to the wall and shuffle along, one baby step at a time. Finally after she feared she could not take a step more she found herself leaning up against the sill. Gasping for air she tried to regain her focus. She had to blink a couple of times before it finally clicked what she was looking at. It was London. As her eyes scanned the horizon she realized she recognized the location of the building she was inside of. Down far below her on the street she had walked before.

Suddenly even more images began to bombard her, but this time they came in an order that she could decipher. An abandoned store front which opened to a waiting area and a sign. It said something, she knew it had the answer, if only she could squint harder. It was all the way across the room, to far away for her vision to read clearly. There, she could see it and better still she could read it. Somehow it had come into focus.

"St Mungo's," it was the hospital, in London. Something exceptionally bad must have happened if she was not in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts. Madame Pomfrey was completely competent when it came to dealing with all the normal accidents and ailments that young wizards and witches could encounter while locked away in a castle.

With a yelp she showed her satisfaction of her progress. If she could manage to retrieve one thing from her memory bank, it seemed that a whole slew of facts would follow in quick succession. If she only had the energy to jump for joy she would have.

Now she knew she was a witch named Lily who attended Hogwarts which was a school that resided in a castle, and she may or may not have a boyfriend who went by the name Potter.

Her achievements were momentarily forgotten when she heard footsteps approaching once more and she realized she could not be caught out of bed. Making it back to bed before she was caught wandering would not be easy, but somehow she managed. The pain in her legs didn't subside for sometime after the work out she had given them.

"I'm ready to go back to Hogwarts," she beamed at the Healer who had entered to bring her, her breakfast.

"And pray tell me what has spawned this decision?"

"I've remembered," she replied joyously.

The Healer nodded for her to explain, which she happily did. As she was babbling on about how things just started to come to her, she realized the Healer was not as impressed as she herself was.

"That is wonderful news Lily, but it is only a start. We need to get you back to normal, or at least have you remember more before we can permit you to carry your wand again. I'm sorry."

Dejected she felt like a small child who had been reprimanded for not getting all ten words correct on her spelling test. Didn't the Healer understand how hard she had had to work to manage that much? Besides it appeared that she remembered stuff easier when physical objects were placed before her to trigger certain memories. What better place to piece together her life than the place where she apparently lived? She jerked her head to the left, to try another angle for the Healer but to her disappointment the room was empty. Next time. Until then, she just had to focus. That was all it would take. A little bit of focus, some dedication and a whole lot of hard work.

Much to the relief of Lily and all the Healer's that took care of her ward, the progress Lily would make was only beginning to speed up. Pretty quickly she was remembering not just broad subjects but incredible details. Still though she could not place who Potter was, or why she was actually in the hospital in the first place. It was odd considering she didn't hesitate to call for a Healer to explain the exact ingredients needed to brew a Pepperup Potion. Which she then followed with a gleeful rendition of how the first time she had been administered the potion she had had to endure steam pouring out of her ears for several hours. Quite the shock she chuckled for a muggle born witch.

The joy the Healer's felt at seeing the progress their patient was making was quickly replaced with frustration. Why could she not just remember the few small things that were key so they could discharge her, at least back into the care of the school matron? It was a mystery to them, and one in which they had no answer.

By the time a week had gone by, both patient and caregivers had finally had enough. Both were on edge whenever they were in the room together and that resulted into a wonderful string of snarky comments spewing out of both parties mouths.

To the relief of Lily she was finally permitted to return to Hogwarts, but with a few conditions. She was to remain in her bed until the sores on her legs were completely erased by the potion that was applied twice daily and she could recall the events of the day that had led up to her admittance into the hospital. The final condition was that she not entertain any visitors. She needed her rest. The Healer's knew how well the matron at the school was at keeping visitors at bay, but that had warned her that if by some chance she was unable to steer possible problems away, she was to bargain with the agreement that they could visit their friend as long as they didn't recount any of the details Lily had to come across on her own.

The next evening Lily was handed her wand by the shortest, plumpest of the Healer's who had cared for her for the past days. She thanked them but really her heart wasn't in it. They really hadn't done much except lock her in her room and wait. She wasn't naive enough to not realize they were frustrated with her small accomplishments, and that they were bothered by how excited she got. She figured none of them had ever had their memory wiped clear. Otherwise they would have realized and shared with her the excitement of remembering the twelve uses of Dragon's Blood. The twelfth being its use as oven cleaner.

It was magical to return to Hogwarts, even if it was only the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey rushed out of her office to retrieve her patient when one of the transporters escorted her from the fire. She was pushed down into a bed and told to not move a muscle or she would be in serious trouble.

Lily knew better than to ask the matron who Potter was, but she was antsy with anticipation. At some point soon she knew she was going to figure out who he was. It was only a matter of time. She was back at school and if she remembered correctly, word spread like the smell of a dungbomb throughout the corridors of Hogwarts Castle. She had waited this long, it would only be a little bit more.

With her head buried by the pillow and blankets that Madame Pomfrey had thrown at her, Lily did not hear the commotion outside the doors that led into the Hospital Wing. If she had have, she may have realized she should regret anticipating the re-meeting of one Potter boy.

xxx

a/n So new story which I hope will end up as a full length story. I hope I have caught your attention. Please review it's appreciated more than I can begin to say. Thanks. Cheers.


	2. Last Name

"What do you mean I can't go in there?" a voice screeched from outside the Hospital Wing's door. The matron had sensed this commotion would occur and so it was easy enough for her to head it of before it escalated into anything seriously out of hand. She had stepped out into the corridor and was met by two dark haired boys that were less than happy to see their pathway blocked.

"Come on mate, you heard her. We'll come back later," the calmer of the two boys tried to reason with his friend. Much to the surprise of the matron, the other boy agreed.

As they turned to leave she decided to call out, "I don't think that would be in the best interest of anyone if you came back to visit. Consider it a new rule, that no one is to visit Ms. Evans while she recovers."

Before she knew it, she was standing alone, back to the door. Guarding the door against people that apparently didn't want to get in. It confused her greatly because this had not been the first time she had had the exact same conversation with those two boys. Usually they protested more. A lot more, and even sometimes went to the extent of pushing her aside to get in. This had been the first time they had just simply given up. Admitted defeat and walked away. The worrisome part of that was she knew that James Potter and Sirius Black never admitted defeat. She'd just have to step up her game, that was all.

Back inside, Lily didn't hear any of this occur. As soon as Madame Pomfrey heard the boys approaching, she had cast a noise filtering charm around the wing. It had worked perfectly. When she had reentered her patient was sitting up in bed, staring aimlessly at the wall beyond the foot of her bed, without a clue to what had just occurred beyond the door.

"I don't want to be here, and I know you really don't want me here either, so why don't we keep this as short and sweet as possible?" Lily enquired hopefully.

"Whatever you feel, I won't be releasing you until I am sure you have regained all of your memory."

"What I'm saying is that I've found objects help me remember. I remembered my name when I saw a bouquet of flowers, and before you say that was not remembering, it was being prompted, well it wasn't. There is how many names in this world? The flowers could have represented my mother because she always cared for her lily flowers in the garden, or it could have been simply my favourite type of flower, but no I got it right. It's my name and I knew that right away. Give me a chance with some objects. Let me see what I can come up with. Please?"

"I'm sorry," was all the matron said. No explanation, no advice, just I'm sorry, and then she was gone. Back into her office.

There was no one else in the Hospital Wing. All of the beds were laying neatly made with starched sheets, stretched tightly across the hard mattress tops. It was a lonely place. There was nothing to do, no one to talk to. All you could do was think. Sadly that was probably the worst thing for Lily, for as she had found out over the past week, thinking returned nothing. All it managed to do was get her worked up and stressed into a tizzy. She needed those triggers, why couldn't Madame Pomfrey understand that? Without them she had little hope of ever gaining back all of her memory.

The day wore on and the shadows grew longer across the bed. Finally, after what felt like a week should have past in the span of an afternoon, the sun finally set. Throughout the last hours, Madame Pomfrey had emerged from her office every hour, on the hour. She'd come over to her patient, ask her if she had any new updates to share or if she had any questions. As the sun had set she'd come out again to apply the potion to the wounds on Lily's legs.

The mixture had a disturbing smell to it and made Lily cringe every time she had to have it applied. Other than the smell though she did in a way welcome the feeling that it gave her. The blisters burned and itched, but after the potion was placed over top of them, those sensations almost instantly vanished.

Dinner was served on a small tray. It was nothing special. Pumpkin juice that had gone warm on its long journey up from the kitchens. A ham sandwich and some chips. It filled the empty spot though, and compared to what they had been serving at Mungo's it really did seem to be worthy of celebration.

With nothing else to do, Lily turned over and pulled the thin blanket up to her chin. She had never been one to fall asleep early, but over the last week she had found that with nothing else to do, sleep was always the best options. Considering the other was staring at an empty white wall for hours on end.

It took her awhile to slow her mind down. Images liked to flash before her eyes at rapid speeds, such that she was unable to interpret any real meaning from them. There were more bothersome than helpful. If only they would slow down and then she would be welcoming them with open arms.

She realized she must have fallen asleep when she started dreaming. Or at least she thought she was dreaming. It was all too strange. She was alert enough to be able to pull up the blanket or see the moon outside the window, but she was still dreaming. She could hear voices. No correction, she could hear one voice. It was a one sided conversation. Slightly unsettled she jolted herself out of her slumber and without sitting up, she scanned the deserted wing. Nobody was there. It was a dream, that's where the voice had been coming from. it was all in her head. Much to her dismay she realized she could still unfortunately hear the voice. She couldn't pinpoint exact words, just the murmur of sound. Where was it coming from? Again she looked around, nobody was around. Great now she was hearing things. She had to make a note to not let that one slip to Madame Pomfrey. Merlin only knew what she'd do if she came across the information that her patient along with having no memory and horrible burns on her leg was now hearing voices. She'd never get out of the hospital wing.

"Hello," she tentatively called out. Not to loud, to wake up Madame Pomfrey, but just loud enough. She wanted somebody to be there. Not just because it would prove that she wasn't crazy, but because she was incredibly lonely. Madame Pomfrey while a good caregiver, was not the worlds most spectacular communicator.

Nobody answered her call and so she decided she might as well try to get back to sleep. That was when she heard it. On top of the murmur was a rustling. Like somebody was moving around, or more accurately sneaking around. But why couldn't she see them?

"Potter!" she said. It wasn't a question, something was telling her that the strange name that was floating in her head and the strange events were all linked to one thing and one thing only and that thing magically appeared three feet from the side of her bed. It took all her might to hold back a scream. How had that just happened? There had been nothing, nobody and then there was a messy raven haired boy standing there looking at her with a terrified expression on his face.

It was then became apparent to her why Madame Pomfrey had wanted to restrict her visitors. While she remembered names and events, she really couldn't place what people looked like. For all she knew the person standing in front of her could have very well been her worst enemy. Maybe that's why his name stuck so prominently in her mind. Would sheer hate for someone do that? Then again, was this a sibling's friend, a step sibling, a friend or even a boyfriend? He was cute in a I don't give a damn way, no correction, really cute. She hoped that he was her boyfriend. Then again why would somebody other than her boyfriend sneak in to see her in the middle of the night after being forbidden to do so? Not even her girlfriends had made it to see her. So who was this guy?

It was all to much for her and a tear escaped from her fluttering eyelids. Strangely enough, the stranger made a move to reach for it, to wipe it away but then stopped himself suddenly. Was he an ex boyfriend then? He seemed uncomfortable around her. Like he really cared for her but was scared to overstep his boundaries. It was killing her, she needed to know.

"How did you know I was here?" he enquired.

"What, were you not planning on waking me? Were you just going to sit and watch me sleep? I'm sorry I really have no idea who you are and with that in mind I have to say, what you're doing is kind of creepy. I'm sorry if you're someone really important in my life and this is a normal, for you to watch me sleep I mean, but I'm just confused right now," there was no way she would tell him the real reason she had called out to the thin air.

Much to her dismay his reply didn't give her any clues, "Okay," it was simple, direct and executed with a shrug. Damn, was nobody going to help her out here?

They sat in silence for a few moments, or at least he did. Lily couldn't believe it but she could still hear the murmuring. It was more distinct this time though. She still couldn't make out any direct phrases but it was definitely clearer now than it had been. Here was her chance though to test if she was crazy without Madame Pomfrey knowing, "Do you hear that?" she quickly asked her visitor.

"Hear what?" he asked slightly confused.

"I guess it was nothing," she mumbled dejected. Of course on top of everything else she had to be hearing voices. When would her life stop being so dramatic? First she gets hit by a curse as she was walking into the Halloween Feast and then this. She hadn't even made it to the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall before she had been hit, "It was Halloween," she sat up quickly in bed, "the feast. I knew it was at a feast all along, I just couldn't fill in any of the details.

"Do you remember what happened though?" the cute boy asked her rather nervously oddly enough,

"No," she glumly flopped back against her pillow. Why couldn't she place it? This couldn't be the most difficult task she had ever had to accomplish. Why was her mind suppressing the details? If she wasn't going to need her brain, she would have really liked to stomp on it, the way it was treating her.

"I should probably get going," he said quietly, "I'll come back tomorrow night," he promised, "hang in there. You can do this, you're an amazingly talented witch and a great person."

Before she knew it he was gone, but keeping to his word he was back again the next night, and the night after that and so on. For seven nights she looked forward to this mysterious strangers visits. It was the only social time she got. Apparently according to Madame Pomfrey, it was the quietest she had ever seen the Hospital Wing in all of her years at Hogwarts. As soon as the candles would be snuffed out Lily would fake sleep and then her companion would come.

Strangely enough the murmur that she had been hearing disappeared during the daytime, only to return with the mysterious man. To top it off, the murmur was growing clearer every day. It would only be a few more days before she would be able to fully understand what was being said. Until then, she'd try and decipher the single words she was being given. It truly was bizarre and a phenomenon that still confused Lily. She understood that she lived in a world of magic, but this seemed even more out of the ordinary that should be normally acceptable.

If only she could remember what had happened to her. Then she'd be able to place if this was a normal occurrence in the Wizarding World.

xxx

a/n I'm thinking this is going to get really fun to write. Plus I have a week off next week with nothing to do, so personally I see that as the perfect recipe for new chapters. Please review, Cheers!


	3. Who are you?

Whatever they had been to each other before the accident she still didn't know. What she did know was that whoever he was, he was becoming more and more important in her life.

It had taken her a week to be comfortable enough to tell him about her theory regarding objects. Much to her surprise he had agree enthusiastically with her idea and following suggestions. To her delight the next night as darkness overcame the Hospital Wing, he appeared with a sack filled with random objects.

"And you've included just as many meaningless objects as meaningful ones right?" she questioned cautiously. The night before she had been quite specific when explaining the need for test controls. Lily had another motive beyond helping her remember things when it came to asking Potter to help her out. While it had become quite apparent that Potter cared for her very deeply, if he refused to do this for her, maybe it meant he didn't know her well enough to gather meaningful objects that represented her life. She had hoped that wasn't the case and so she had more than one reason to be excited when he nodded his agreement to the plan. It was beginning to look more and more like he was her boyfriend, and she really hoped he was, because she was beginning to fall for him. He had been so sweet and caring towards her how could she not?

The items were drawn one at a time from the depths of their confinements, but following Potter's orders, she didn't look. Not until they were all laid out a top the sheets was she told she was free to open her eyes. Even with the limited light, Lily could make out everything. How he had obtained all of the things were beyond her. If even half of the things represented events in her life, she had a long and bumpy journey ahead of her and a lot of milestones to remember.

Much to her dismay nothing jumped out at her. Not upon first glances, seconds more careful scans and even a third, much slower sweep. It just looked like a mass of clutter, of random, pointless objects.

"Argh," she let out a groan of frustration, but that was when she saw it. She had passed over it before because it wasn't the main object. It was an old postcard of the seashore, which had caused her to search for any memory of a vacation that she had been on. It had been a pointless search. The view from a cottage porch looking out over the sandy beach and the rolling waves stretched out to meet the shining blue sky far off on the was significant about the image was not the ocean, or the gulls flying high in the corner, but the patio itself. Two white, wooden deck chairs, sandwiching a table that was painted in the same hue. It was that table that was the key feature in the image. Easily over passed but so important. A top the table, resting on a colourful mat to protect the table top was a pot. Now that Lily looked more carefully at it, it seemed odd. Out of place. Usually one would place a vase on a table and a pot on the nearby railing or deck surface. It wasn't the pot though that was the important object, but what it contained.

An overwhelming feeling of nausea suddenly overtook her, and forced her to lie back and close her eyes. When the feeling had finally subsided she cracked open an eye. A smile danced across her lips when she saw the look of concern that was plastered across her visitors face.

"I'm okay," she whispered, "the plant. Petunia's! I don't know what they mean, but they aren't good. Something horrible has happened around those plants. The beach doesn't mean anything though. That's why I passed over the card in the first place."

"Take your time," he encouraged her.

Still lying back, she re-closed her eyes and let herself fall into the world the postcard had to offer. _Yelling, lots of it, and crying. A door slammed and shook the whole room. She crumpled into a sobbing heap but somebody's strong arms picked her up and rocked her. Soothing her the whole time. Her protector was a lot larger than she was. She felt so tiny in his arms. His? Yes, the voice was deep, masculine. Was this her father? What had happened, who had been screaming? One phrase finally made its way to the surface. "You're a freak," and that's when it had begun._

She pulled herself quickly out of the memory, it was far to painful. "My sister hates me right? We're different," filling in the pieces as she went along, "she's not a witch is she?"

"You know I can't answer any of those questions right? You made me promise going into this that no matter how much you begged and pleaded I was not to tell you anything. You were to come to every conclusion on your own. I'm so proud of how far you've come though, never forget that."

This earned him a small but short lived pout from Lily because it quickly morphed into a hint of a smile accompanied by vigourous nodding, "I was going off to Hogwarts for the first time, leaving Petunia behind and I didn't get to say goodbye. She screamed at me that I was a freak and...and we have never really spoken since," she knew it was the truth. It explained why she hadn't had any siblings try to sneak into the hospital wing to visit and more importantly it checked off one of the possibilities for who Potter was or better still, was not. He wasn't a sisters boyfriend then. This thought alone caused great happiness for Lily. She was one step closer to figuring out who her mysterious saviour really was.

The only thing this new realization didn't explain was where was the rest of her family? Surely Madame Pomfrey would not have been able to hold back two fully trained wizards. But then, Petunia wasn't a witch, did that mean her parents weren't either? Was she different from her entire family? Maybe they didn't know what had happened to her because of that. Did they think she was a freak too, just as Petunia had? No, the memory distinctly showed a father picking his little girl up off the ground and comforting her. Someone that hated what their child had become would certainly not do that. Alas this most recent memory had provided more confusion that it had actually solved.

"Why don't you take a look at the other items for a bit. See if anything jumps out at you. You never know," Potter suggested cautiously. He had to tread slowly, for he never knew where Lily's breaking point was. So far they had been just fine. He hoped that that was how it was going to stay.

"I guess I should," she mumbled absentmindedly as she began sifting once more through the clutter that was pressing down along her outstretched legs.

Slowly she picked up each item, rotated it three-hundred and sixty degrees, scanning every nook and cranny. She didn't allow herself to pass over anything. After the postcard, she had no idea what she was really looking for. She had thought Potter wouldn't put as much effort as he had into it. He'd made it a lot harder for her than she had both anticipated and hoped. Such as the container she was holding at the moment. She had picked it up earlier and analysed it only to return it to its place once again. She had then picked up a piece of parchment with some crude looking doodles on it. This had warranted a giggle, but it hadn't sparked any flow of images in her brain. Neither had the narrow tube of violently red lipstick. But back to the container she had gone.

There was so many things about it to puzzle over. Was it the contents, the colours, the label or was it just simply a decoy? She had a feeling it wasn't a decoy. After taking the time to go over each item more thourougly she had realized that some items were easy enough to pass over. But this one wasn't and she wanted to know why.

The label was simple, black ink on a white background. It was more of a labelling for convenience of storage over marketing techniques. Written in the bold-faced ink were two simple words _Raspberry Jam._ Was that part of her favourite breakfast, toast and jam? Or did it symbolize something more, such as a love for raspberries, or even the colour red for that matter? Just as she had earlier, she laid back to ponder.

_"Could I use that when you're done? Great thanks."_

_The loud clanking of cutlery echoed throughout the giant room and the air was abuzz with excitement. The chatter was almost through the roof. Something was about to happen. _

_They were all eating breakfast, laughing and speculating about how the day would unfold. _

_"You know how lucky we are to have a House Colour that is red," some unknown person's voice carried out across the crowd, "just imagine if we were Slytherin. They have to look at their toast every morning and see our house colours gleaming up at them. A slap in the face if you ask me, and one they so rightfully deserve. Oh hey James, good luck out there."_

Lily came reeling out of the memory and just in time for their was movement happening in Madame Pomfrey's office, "Quick," she hissed, "you have to get out of here with this stuff or she'll have a right old fit."

In a haste the two teens threw everything back in the sack and Potter quickly disappeared much to Lily's utmost disappointment. Just when she felt like she'd had a major breakthrough Pomfrey would have to come in and interrupt it. Now she had to wait until the next night to tell Potter the good news. She didn't know how she was going to wait that long as she could already feel herself giddy with excitement.

xxx

a/n I am really loving what's happening here and what is still ahead. I hope you are too. I apologize for the length, but for the next week I might sacrifice length for getting more updates to you. I wasn't going to finish this chapter until tomorrow but then I looked at your reviews once more and thought, no I have to give it to them tonight. So I hope you enjoyed and will keep reviewing. Cheers.


	4. Remember When

Luckily for everyone involved, Potter made it out of the Hospital Wing safely before Madame Pomfrey stepped out of her office, but only barely. The door into the wing had just closed when her office one began to slide open. With Potter no longer in the room, Lily realized how quite it seemed. No longer was there that constant buzz of a voice. As each day had passed with him visiting she had grown more and more accustom to the sound, and now she really didn't hear it. Instead she only noticed it when it was no longer there, as the utter silence seemed extremely odd.

She still had been unable to figure out what the sound meant or where it was actually coming from and she didn't dare ask the matron. For all she knew, she'd be tied down to the bed and never released. Then again, Lily thought, maybe this wasn't so out of the ordinary. After all, she really couldn't remember anything to do with Potter from before the accident and so maybe this was not a result of the accident, but something that had in fact existed before it.

"Is everything okay out here dear?" Madame Pomfrey called softly from the doorway. She was dressed in a long cream night-gown which was poking out from beneath a dressing gown that was held together with a sash, "I thought I heard voices," she offered the explanation for what had caused the interruption.

Yeah, I've been hearing them too, what's the deal with that? Was what Lily wanted to say, but instead she said, "No, I wasn't saying anything. At least I hope I wasn't. You never know when you're asleep though. But nobody else is here. I would have heard somebody if they had come in. Thank you and if I was talking in my sleep I apologize for waking you and I sincerely hope it won't happen again," there did she sugar coat it enough?

"Are you sure dear? Okay then, well you sleep well. Oh would you like a dream free sleep potion to help you make it through the night?"

"I think I'll be okay but thanks anyway. The thing is I don't remember dreaming at all so I don't know how much good it would actually do."

The matron nodded and then retreated back into her office with the hopes that her bed would still retain some of the heat that it had when she had left it. It did get chilly in there with the single panes of glass when winter dropped down onto the castle.

Back in the ward, Lily rolled over and faced the wall at the far end of the room. There were two empty beds between hers and the wall, and the one beside hers was obviously wrinkled. Potter had been sitting on top of the pressed sheets and in his haste to leave, hadn't smoothed out the surface like he usually did every night before leaving. She was exhausted by now, it was unbelievable how much energy it took to try to fish out some of your deepest memories, but she knew she had to get the sheets straightened out. Otherwise when morning came she would be in for a nice long interrogation session.

So up and out of the bed she maneuvered her aching body. It was a small gap she had to cover, but even after as many days as she had been recovering she was still incredibly sore. When she flopped back down on her bed she didn't move for several minutes. Instead she stared up at the ceiling and listened to her breaths. Each one coming in slower than the last as she slowed her heart rate down to a more normal pace.

As much as she demanded that she wanted, no needed to get out into the castle, she now realized that maybe she wasn't really ready. Squeezing her eyes shut she cursed her luck. How long would it take for her to get back to normal, or even into a state where she could just get by? She was on the brink of desperation. Now that she thought about it, how much school had she missed, or was going to have to miss? Maybe she should talk to Pomfrey the next morning about getting her assignments and readings brought up to her so she could try and keep up, or at least not fall so far behind. Her memory after all, was fully functional when it came to school stuff. It was just the personal side that was posing problems.

Yes, that's what she'd do come morning. It would give her something to do and there was no way Pomfrey could limit her from her studies, and maybe, just maybe she'd find something useful in those books or papers that would jog her memory to what she had been doing when she had been hit by the curse. Had she got in the way of something by accident, had somebody tried to hit her on purpose, or was is simply a spell had backfired from her own wand? She hoped the books would enlighten her.

Even if they didn't though, she'd be that much better off than if she didn't crack them. For even if it wasn't a ministry exam year, she still had school exams to write come summer. With that little bit of piece of mind, Lily fell asleep.

Come morning, she explained her idea to Madame Pomfrey, of course leaving out the parts that maybe something had been written in her textbooks that would help her remember what was going on in her life. To her surprise and delight the matron had at first hesitated but then quickly gave in, citing that she couldn't see the harm in allowing a student who wanted to keep up on their studies to do so. She also marvelled though that most students relished every minute they had in the Hospital Wing where they didn't have to go to class. Apparently it had been a long time since a student had requested that the Professors put together study packages.

By the end of the day Lily had her books piled into a teetering stack on the small, rickety table beside her bed. Madame Pomfrey had not allowed Lily to have her entire book back until she had gone through it herself. In the end, Lily had been handed a stack of parchment, two quills and a new bottle of ink and nothing else. For all Lily knew, that was all that had been in her bag, but she had a suspicion that that wasn't actually the case. It was to early for the Professors to have put together packages for her, so with really nothing assigned yet, Lily picked up the first textbook on the stack and flipped to a random page.

Twelve-hundred and fifty-three pages. She sure hoped that the entire book wasn't assigned reading for the course. Before she could get into any details in the book, the door to the wing suddenly flew open and in stumbled three people. Two of them were supporting the third in between them.

Madame Pomfrey jumped up from her desk and raced over and helped the two boys lower the third onto one of the cots.

Lily couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness overcome her. With somebody else occupying the wing, Potter wouldn't be able to sneak in, and she had so much to tell him. It was becoming quite apparent to her, how much she relied on that boy and looked forward to seeing him every night.

At the moment, Madame Pomfrey was busy, so Lily had a feeling she could get away with taking a closer look at who the new occupants were. The one lying on the bed was partially hidden by the bodies, so Lily couldn't make out if she recognized him or not.

But before she could take a look at the other boys who had brought their friend in Madame Pomfrey said, "I have just about had enough of dealing with the consequences of you Marauders."

_Marauders! _Who were they, that word sounded way to familiar. It was one of those things that once she heard she knew was important, but she would have never been able to come up with it on her own. Apparently in her haste, Pomfrey had forgotten who her other patient was. That was alright for Lily though as she had time to take a look at who the other two boys were.

The one closest to her bed was tall, very tall actually and extremely good looking. She had thought Potter was cute, but this individual was even better. Man if that was just a sampling of what Hogwarts had to offer, she couldn't wait to get back into the normal flow of things. The tall boy had long, dark hair that fell almost to his shoulders and his shoulders were wide and muscular like he had put a lot of effort into making them look that way. Now for his partner, Lily hoped he was just as godly looking as his friend. Lily sucked in a sharp breath that almost caused her to choke when she saw who it was.

The Marauders, Potter, accidents waiting to happen. It all seemed to fit so perfectly together but she still knew she was missing something important. The main thing linking them together was still gone, but she was one step ahead of where she had been only minutes before. So if Potter was a Marauder, but wait, what was a Marauder? And what role did that play in her life? At least if it was one of Potter's cronies, he would still be able to sneak in to see her at night without the other patient ratting him out. That did offer Lily a little bit of comfort, as she had thought the night before she had a lot to tell Potter. If only then she knew what she did now. She had a strong feeling in her gut that this Marauder business was the key to everything. If she could solve that puzzle, everything would suddenly fall into place.

It was only then did Lily realize what with all the commotion she had missed. The voice was back. For so many nights she had been trying to block out its annoying drone, but now she had an idea. She didn't know whose voice it was or what it represented but maybe, just maybe it could help her. If she could stop blocking it out and instead embrace it, maybe it could tell her what she needed to know. Maybe it was there for a reason and was trying to help her get better. It was a long shot, but what did she really have to loose. She was lying in a bed, alone without any real hope of every returning to her normal capacity. Could it really harm her to listen in to a voice she was hearing in her head?

Who was she kidding, this isolation must really be getting to her. Now she was convincing herself that it was a good idea to listen to the voices. She didn't know a lot, but she did know that listening and acting on what a mysterious voice said, never ended well. Was she really that desperate?

As those thoughts and more tumbled through her overworked brain, she couldn't help but see Potter stealing quick glances over in her direction every time he thought the matron wasn't looking, and each time she smiled back. Before he was ushered out of the wing he mouthed to her one word, and that was all Lily needed to keep her going for a few hours longer. He'd be back tonight.

As the rest of the day passed, Lily marvelled at how slowly time could manage to crawl. She had thought the previous days had gone by slowly, but now with the added element of anticipation the hands of the clock had decided that backwards was the new forwards. She didn't even have the new patient to keep her company, because as soon as Madame Pomfrey had finished treating him, she had set up some curtained barriers and cast a combination of spells to keep each of them from interacting.

The books that had at one point held so many possibilities for Lily now lay lifeless on the table. At some point later she'd go back to them, but not now. Not when so many other things were happening. For now she had a decision to make. It was one that the solution to changed just about every ten minutes. Yes, no, good idea, bad one. What should she do? In the end she resolved that she really was out of options and if she was going to utilize a cliché, desperate times called for desperate measures. With that in mind, she resolved that the next time she saw Potter she was going to harness everything she had and try to channel what the voices were saying into some sort of meaningful information. She wasn't crazy right? Right?

xxx

a/n so I'd first like to thank you guys so so so much. It's really been a long time since I've posted a chapter and opened my inbox the next morning to find a ton of new alerts. Reviews, story and so on. It was just amazing and reminded me why I love doing this so much. I was really blown away and I really hope it wasn't just a one time thing. With that in mind I really hope you keep it up and I'm so glad to hear what you guys think, and if I have to be honest I really would have rather gone to sleep tonight but I remembered how much support I got from you and I realized I had to return the favour, so here it is. I hope you enjoyed and please continue to review. Cheers.


	5. I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Finally, at long last the door to the Hospital Wing slid open. Very slowly at first to avoid the persistent squeak that it liked to emit if worked to hard, and then faster as it passed that pesky point. Lily was lying on her bed, exactly the same as she did every night, but this night something was different. There was a nervous buzz in the air. Her palms were clammy and her heart was beating just a slight bit faster. Just enough for her to notice. Why was she so all of a sudden nervous? It wasn't like she hadn't talked to him before, hadn't shared the most intimate details of her thoughts? Maybe it was because after all the nights they had spent together, they were finally going to be on a first name basis with each other.

She still didn't know exactly how he did it, sneaking around that is. Nobody would be there and then all of a sudden a figure would emerge from thin air. Even when she knew he had entered the room for she had saw the door opening or heard the voice it was still shocking. If for the only reason that he never seemed to appear in the spot she thought he would. Much to her frustration he had pretty much ignored her enquiries as to how he managed to just appear in one place or disappear in another. She had asked the question multiple times in multiple ways, but each different attempt earned a halt in the conversation and a hastily, unplanned change of subject. He was avoiding the subject and she wanted to know why.

It had become their game, a form of nightly entertainment in a dreary world, for Lily to predict where he was going to show up. Would he be standing at the end of her bed, on the left or maybe he was still over by the door? She never really knew and the times she did manage to get it right it was only out of pure luck. Even with her past success average in mind, she was still shocked to see that she had guessed incorrectly again this time. In fact she was really off. She had thought he would be somewhere around her bed, maybe perched on the cot beside her, but instead he was over beside the other patient that occupied the Hospital Wing with Lily now.

Lily was slightly upset upon realizing that he hadn't in fact come to see her first. This feeling was quickly followed by a wave of jealousy that was replaced by shame. Who was she to feel jealous? It was obvious that that was his friend over their and who was she? The whole problem was she really didn't know who she was and what they were. Mentally kicking herself she tried to push the thoughts of jealousy away. There was no way they would be getting her anywhere.

When it finally came her time, a smile spread itself wide across her face, "Hey James, I've missed you," the sense of overwhelming excitement coursed through her veins and heated her face up with a rosy glow. She'd done it, she had finally done it. It was so substantial and it felt so good that after all this time she could finally call him by his first name. If her legs would have supported her she would have jumped up and down on the bed or maybe even skipped around the room. It was that kind of moment.

"Hey to you too," he beamed back at her, and instead of sitting down on a bed beside her as he usually did, he settled down on the edge of her own mattress, "do you know how good it is to hear you say that?" he whispered as he pulled her into a hug, "I was beginning to think I would never hear that be spoken by you."

If the light hadn't have been so dim in the room, Lily may have noticed the sparkle that was sitting in the corner of James' eye. It didn't stay there long though as pretty quickly James realized what was about to happen and hurriedly pulled himself together.

"So do you mind if I ask, what sparked this revelation?" James enquired.

"It was one of your items you picked out," Lily began to explain. She told him how the colour of the containers contents had brought her back to an early morning breakfast before a House Quidditch game. The memory had then flown into how Gryffindor was better than Slytherin because Slytherin had to eat toast with their enemies House colours slathered on top. The most important part of the explanation was the part that she held for the end. About how she had come up with his name.

The name had been said in the memory, but she believed what had triggered it was seeing the label on the container. _Jam._ Her finger had been covering the part of the label that directly followed the _m _ and a single glance had sparked her interest to delve in further. It truly had been a remarkable item.

"What had you intended for me to remember upon seeing that jar of jam?" Lily asked, "Was it supposed to be the red colour that would remind me of Gryffindor, that Quidditch morning where we mocked the Slytherins or was it that the start of your name was on the label?" she looked up at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

He didn't answer at first, instead he pulled her closer towards his body. The room wasn't chilly but still, Lily fleet goosebumps covering her bare arms. What was going on?

"If I have to be honest here, I never really made any of those connections that you just did. I actually never heard that thing about the Slytherins until just now. I guess I was to zoned out, thinking about the upcoming game to really notice my surroundings. The only reason I put the jar in the pile was because I figured that while it may be a long shot, you may associate the colour red with Gryffindor or at the very least, maybe remember eating breakfast in the Great Hall. With that being said I think that even with no memory, you have still outsmarted me."

This earned him a slight smirk from Lily who was having a really hard time holding back her grins. Something was different about this meeting. Something was, well special. The nerves that she had felt upon his arrival were gone. They had fallen back into their old routine. Just two friends talking, there was nothing to be nervous about.

"There's more," she whispered. They were so close together that there was no need to speak at normal volumes. It was a very intimate moment, "You play Quidditch, and...and you're a Marauder, and so is he," she motioned over to the other occupied bed, "now I don't know what that really means yet. I just know that it's substantial."

The look of delight that had been plastered upon James' face earlier was suddenly gone. Replaced by a look of panic.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked, having seen the sudden shift in emotions.

"Oh, nothing," James stumbled over his words even though they were short and basic.

"James, I want to know who you are. Not just that you're a Quidditch player or a Marauder. I want to know who you are to me," it felt good voicing her concerns.

"Well, I can't tell you what we were," he whispered softly to her, "but I can tell you what we are now," and without any further fanfare he leaned over and kissed her. It was simple and short, but enough to cause Lily's head to spin. He had told her he wasn't going to enlighten her about what sort of relations they had been and technically still were, but the kiss had said enough. They were not relatives and this caused Lily great happiness, for this was what she had been hoping for.

Sometimes it just felt good to start over. How could she complain about the accident now as it had brought him to her. Although maybe they had been together in the first place. But wouldn't that be pure destiny that if two enemies could end up together because they were able to forget their differences. It was purely magical and akin to a fairy tale.

"You don't realize how long I've been waiting to do that," he murmured into her ear after realizing that she had not flinched away from his kiss as he had feared that she would.

"Well, I've been waiting too."

"Not quite as long as me," he countered.

Deciding that there was no use arguing about something so trivial she decided to focus her attention upon something else. That was when it hit her, the resolution she had made earlier. The voice, she needed to try and use it to help her. With that in mind, she tried to focus all of her energy into deciphering the voice that was murmuring in her head. It wasn't working though and pretty soon James realized something was off.

"Hey, is everything okay? I'm sorry if I upset you or something."

"No, it's nothing like that," Lily replied earnestly, she didn't want him to think that the kiss had been a mistake. Unless in fact he actually was her long lost brother and then, no she didn't actually want to even think those thoughts. They were far to disturbing, "I'm just thinking. Trying to remember. I've come this far, but I know there is so much farther to go. It's really hard because by not knowing something, I'll never really know when I've remembered everything. Does that make any sense? Because really, if you think about it, I could believe that right now I know everything about my life. But then tomorrow I could wake up and remember that I love to ski or skydive. You see, right now I don't know that that memory is yet to resurface so I think I'm fine, back to normal you could say. When in all actuality I just don't know any better. It's really a hard concept to grasp and it's been bothering me for a while now."

They both sat and tried to process those ideas for a few silent minutes. Well, James did at least. Lily on the other just pretended to be marvelling at the wonders of the mind when in reality she was actually still trying to get her mind wrapped around the crazy concept of having a voice in her head. She needed more time. More quite time actually. Somehow she had to figure out how to get James to stay for a longer period of time, but to remain quite. She didn't know what the connection was but whenever he left the Hospital Wing, that pesky voice would disappear. It was almost as if she was hearing his thoughts, but that was an absurd idea. It wasn't theoretically possible to hear an other beings innermost thoughts. Maybe she was crazy after all, or at least stir crazy. It was quite possible that she was just making this stuff up to keep her occupied during all the lonely hours of the day.

"James will you lie with me?" she asked, hoping that he would agree and then they would lay there together in silence as she pretended to drift off to sleep, "I'm tired, but I don't want you to go, not just yet."

Much to her satisfaction, without a word he scooted onto her bed and laid his head down next to hers on the flat pillow. She pulled the thin cover up over the both of them and closed her eyes. Now if only she could make sense of that voice. Just when she thought she could grasp at a phrase it would disappear, only slightly out of reach, but still to far away to reel back in. It when on like this for so long that Lily really lost track. Words would begin to make sense, but then would vanish as if they had never existed.

It happened just as Lily's eyelids were growing heavy. James had tucked her hair behind her ear, slowly tracing the line of her jaw as he did so. His hand lingering over her face and then finally coming to rest beside her own as he intertwined his fingers with hers. He thought she was asleep and that pleased Lily, for she was getting a precious insight into what James was actually thinking. What happened though was not the signs of affection that James was displaying. Instead it was a word, a single word appeared above all the others. _Prank._ It was spoken loud and clear, unlike all the other mumbo jumbo that had been flowing throughout her brain. It was almost as if it had wanted Lily to hear and ultimately understand it. The problem was, Lily didn't understand what it meant. Obviously it was important if it stood out so brightly in her mind, but why was it important?

Now that she had been able to interpret one word, it seemed that she had cracked the Rosetta Stone. The dam had broken and words came flooding forwards like a steamroller that had lost the functionality of its brakes. While she could now hear what the words were, they still made little sense. They were coming so fast and at random intervals, it felt like she was missing something. Maybe she was missing the background knowledge needed to understand what the words meant. It was almost like she was trying to put together the five hundred piece puzzle without actually knowing what the picture was supposed to be.

_Flowers. Summer. Prank. Quidditch. Pads. Moon._

It was enough to drive even the most sane person crazy, and Lily was already in a fragile state to begin with. It was at that point that she started regretting her decision to try and understand what the voice said and meant, but no matter what she tried to do, now that the dam had broken, there was no fixing the wall. Before she could stop herself she let out a moan of frustration.

_Light. Mistake. Prank. Feast._

She had forgotten that James was still lying beside her and on top of that, that he had assumed she was asleep. Now trying to cover her tracks she rolled over and stretched before burrowing herself down deeper into the warmth that both he and the blankets had to offer.

_Sleeping. Prank. Moony. Go._

She was just about ready to scream. Either start making sense or go away, she cursed the voice, and what was with that stupid word? Why did the word prank keep coming up? She already knew it was important, did it have to keep throwing itself in her face? Mocking her as it went along.

_Feast. Backfire. Prank. Accident. Failure._

As always though something bad had to happen for something good to occur. A few minutes later Lily felt the weight on James' side of the bed disappear as he stood up to leave. Only when the door to the Hospital Wing had closed did the voice in Lily's head finally stop. The quite that followed though was not enough for her to fall asleep. To much had happened now for her to just slip away into a dreamless sleep.

She really didn't know how long she laid there. Looking at the walls, the ceiling and out the windows. Trying to clear her mind of everything that had occurred over the past 24 hours. She was at that point that she needed to just get better or she figured she may never. It would only get harder and harder to concentrate if she wasn't sleeping. It was now or never really. Tomorrow would have to be the day. They said you could do anything if you set your mind to it. Lily hoped that would be true and that the following day would not prove that theory wrong.

xxx

a/n I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this and I really love reading your reviews. Please keep them coming. Cheers.


	6. It Won't Be Like This For Long

The sky was so blue, it was absolutely amazing, and not just a soft blue. Instead it was that brilliant bright colour that you normally never saw. There were only a few white clouds. Fluffy and large, but in no way menacing as they floated lazily along away from the sun. There was no real danger in them blocking out the sun or letting loose their sprinkles. It was a perfect day. The birds were chirping off in the forest. Their melodies blended together to form a magnificent symphony that echoed throughout the open air. The slight breeze tickled the individual blades of grass. Causing them to dance around to the sweet tune that nature had to provide for them. To top it all off, the waves from the lake were lapping at the rocky shore. Every so slowly the water rose and fell along the shore, leaving a wet line as i descended back down into the depths.

It was truly a remarkable day. One that seemed too perfect almost. It was almost as if it were a dream.

And it was. The harsh reality stung, it was almost December, not the height of June. The leaves had long since fallen off of the trees and the birds had flown away to a warmer climate. That wasn't to say it wasn't still a magical looking place. For Lily, she could have been looking at the slums and she would have probably still thought it was beautiful. Being confined in a hospital bed for a month could do that to a person. Maybe it was a good thing if you really thought about it. As they say people get so accustomed to what they see on a day to day basis that it loses its sparkles. Lily on the other hand had virtually been reborn. She was outside again, and loving it.

Her legs were still weak, but if that had not been the case she would have probably frolicked briefly in the snow drifts. She had never seen snow like this before, and she wasn't just saying that because she couldn't remember anything more. Even Madame Pomfrey had commented on the severity of the storms before discharging her long term patient. Lily had figured that she had done so reluctantly, discharging her that was. But Lily had kept up her end of the bargain. She had remembered the accident, or at least had let on enough that she had finally remembered.

In all actuality she had more or less fed words to the matron that had been fed to her. It had taken time, but she finally had been able to conquer the voice. At least for some things that was. It had given her enough information to tell the matron that she had been walking into the Great Hall for the feast when she was rocked by an explosion which sent multi coloured light flying in all directions. It had hit her square in the chest and that had been it. She had been standing in the doorway to the Great Hall, and that was where she had fallen. It had been a prank gone wrong.

Now that she was out in the normal flow of the castle, Lily fully intended to get to the bottom of understanding what the explosion meant. It would also be helpful to be able to unlock the parts of the voice that was still a mystery to her.

After Madame Pomfrey had finally but reluctantly escorted her to the Hospital Wing doors, Lily had bolted straight for the grounds. Classes were still in session for the afternoon, and then it was going to be the weekend. Come Monday, Lily would take her first stab at going back to being a normal student. She was slightly wary of how it would turn out, because while her mind was functioning well enough to process what went on in a lecture, she didn't know if she'd physically have the stamina to make it through all those hours of classes. Only time would tell for that.

Because class was still underway, the grounds were deserted. A fresh blanket of snow had fallen overnight and the temperature was till hovering at the frigid point, but Lily didn't care. The cold, crisp air felt like it had magical healing properties when she took her first gulp of it. Yes, it burned slightly but it felt oh so good. She took it slow, treading carefully down the narrow pathway that had been shovelled out by the gamekeeper at dawn. She was unsteady on her feet. The simple fact that she had been bed ridden for a month hadn't helped the muscles in her legs develop.

She only stopped walking when she reached the shoreline of the lake. Unlike in her imagination, the water wasn't slowly lapping at the rocky edge. Instead, small patches of ice had formed in the shallows. Needing some quite time she decided to sit down, and with the aid of her wand she had a warm, dry surface. Although she had spent hours on end being alone, the Hospital Wing didn't offer the peace and comfort that this spot did. If she turned slightly to her left she could see the castle in all its glory. Windows aglow, roofs frosted like a delicate gingerbread house and smoke billowing out from the countless fireplaces that warmed the icy interior. It was home. Some may say it was a dark and dreary place to call home, but Lily knew and so did all the other Hogwarts students, that the warmth came from within. It was the atmosphere that warmed such a cold, bleak building, and really what child couldn't say they had dreamed at one point of being a prince or princess and living in a castle. As a muggleborn, Lily had not been an exception to that rule.

If she looked to her right she could see the forest. All the trees were dusted with an icing sugar coating and there couldn't be anything more beautiful. Whichever way Lily looked, she was met with the sight of beauty. How could one not fall in love with a place like this?

"Sometimes I think we've found paradise," a voice said from behind Lily. She hadn't been expecting anyone and the sudden interruption had caused her to jump. Her hand had also flown to her wand. She hadn't lost that reflex she was proud to see. When she saw who the owner of the voice was she eased back into a more comfortable position.

"How'd you find me?" somehow he had a way of doing these strange things and she wanted to know how he accomplished it.

"Magic," he smirked as he pulled his cloak tighter around himself before sitting down beside her.

"No really, I want to know."

"So I see you finally outsmarted the Hospital Guard?"

There he went changing the subject again. If she didn't know better, she would think he was up to no good.

"Don' t you have class?" she tried to change the subject to the matter before.

"Naw," he shrugged his shoulders in a nonchalant manner.

"Okay, well I see this is getting nowhere. I was quite enjoying the peace and quite before you showed up, so I guess I'll be on my way," she really had no intention of leaving him and she would be lying if she said she didn't like being around him, but he didn't know any of that.

"No stay, I'm sorry," he rushed to correct his mistakes, but still made no attempt at divulging his secret powers.

It really took no persuading for Lily to sit back down. The chill was pushing its way through their cloaks but James performed a simple warming spell to banish the cold. It was enough. They sat out there until the sky began to darken. Deep purple streaks painted themselves across the giant mass of open sky, just as the snowflakes began to fall again. They floated straight down, not a hint of a breeze was evident in the way they fell. The way it occurred did not look real. More like somebody had tipped a snow globe and watched the flakes fall back down into their little piles. Pretty soon the flakes became larger and more frequent as the storm came to rest once more over the castle. It was only just beginning though.

"We should probably head in before we get lost and they have to send a rescue team out to find us. Our frozen bodies buried under mounds of snow. Hand's clasped together, showing that nature had taken us without a moments notice."

Lily chuckled and squeezed his hand tight. It wouldn't be a bad thing to meet their end together, would it? Much to Lily's delight, and James' as well, their relationship had only grown after Lily remembered his name. It was another reason that Lily was so glad to be free of the Hospital Wing and Madame Pomfrey. Finally she could go on a legitimate date with James Potter. He had done so much for her over the past month and she didn't know how she was ever going to repay him. She hoped that they would have a long time together for her to try.

Together, hand in hand they started to make their way back up to the castle. Lily hadn't realized how far she had actually walked until it was time for them to return. Her stomach was growling, urging her to give it some much needed nutrients.

"I can hear your stomach from here," James chuckled, "I guess I better get you something to eat. Let's hope dinner's ready by the time we get there."

It was enough of an incentive for the young couple to pick up their pace. As they neared the large front doors, James suddenly stopped. Lily not realizing this until their arms grew taut, stretched out between them. She wheeled around to face him and to find out what had caused the sudden change in motion.

"I'm just wondering if you want us to go into the Great Hall together, like as a...a..."

"You mean together, together?" Lily questioned him. She was confused, what was with the sudden change of heart? She thought they had something and then he went and became all hesitant.

"As a, well a couple. Yeah."

"Sure, why not? Don't you want to?" she prayed that the answer to that was not what she had suddenly started to dread.

"No actually, I really want to. I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page before I did something that you didn't agree with."

"No more talk," she grabbed his hand with her other free one and dragged him up the stairs, "I'm starved."

Once in the Entrance Hall they made a beeline for the Great Hall. The noisy chatter of an excited bunch of teenagers that had been finally freed for the weekend spilled out in to the open area beyond the doors. Before they stepped through those doors, Lily suddenly halted. James spun to look at her with concern. She had been so adamant that they needed to get to the food as soon as possible and here she was stopping.

"James, I have to tell you something," she whispered, although it wasn't actually a whisper. It only sounded like one as it tried to overcome the noise.

"Now?"

"Yeah, I don't really remember everything. I kind of made it up enough to please Madame Pomfrey. Don't let me look foolish in there. I don't really know where I'm supposed to sit, or who the people I'm supposed to talk with and even be friends with are. I don't remember what my own friends look like."

"Hey, it's okay. If we're being honest here, half the time I can't picture what my friends look like in my mind. That doesn't mean I wouldn't recognize them from a mile away though and don't love them to bits."

"Thanks," she smiled to show her gratitude. Everything was just better and easier when he was around.

"I'm here for you."

With that the two walked into the Great Hall and the noise level instantly went from loud to non existent. Lily really didn't have anytime to process what had happened before she was pulled onto a hard bench and smothered with hugs.

"Well, I guess you found your friends. Wasn't that hard?" James shrugged, but he was holding back a laugh. He couldn't say he hadn't tried to stop her.

"Get lost Potter," someone yelled at James as the noise level began to return to its former level after the shock.

Before Lily could protest, and get him to stay he was gone. Off to the other side of the table and about halfway down. He sat down with three other guys who had been deep in conversation. Upon seeing their new arrival, they ended their conversation and proceeded to clap their friend on the back. From Lily's vantage point she couldn't hear what was being said, but it sure looked like they were congratulating him.

"Earth to Lily, come in," a voice interrupted Lily's thoughts, causing her to tear her eyes away from the events unfolding further down the long wooden table.

James had been right. She did recognize the two girls she was sitting between. They had hauled her down onto the bench space between them and were prepared to not let her go until they got their answers. Charity was on Lily's left. Her long luscious black hair cascaded in waves down her back. Her face was absolutely beautiful. Her skin displayed not a hint of a blemish, while her full lips were adorned with a vibrant red lipstick. She was a beauty and she knew it. It didn't help anybody either that she was a star player on the Quidditch Team, chaser actually, and that while it looked like she would be opposed to getting her manicured fingers dirty, she was anything but that sort. Her height, coupled with her curves and muscles that had been fine tuned by years of intense training were enough to put even the most confident girl into a depressed rut. On the other hand, her Brazilian heritage and accent made all the guys into drooling dummies. That didn't faze Charity though. While she could have any guy whenever she wanted, she was highly selective. While it pained those around her, she rarely ever dated.

It was all coming back to Lily now. See, why couldn't Madame Pomfrey have just released her sooner. While she had made progress in the Hospital Wing, she didn't think it would ever begin to compare to what she was about to see happen.

On Lily's other side sat what had to be Rosalyn. With short, cropped blond hair she was the wild one of the group. Or better said, the outgoing one. While her hair was blond, the tips looked like they had been dipped in a jar of brilliant purple ink. You never could guess what that girl was going to come up with next. What she lacked in height, she definitely made up for in personality and vocal cords. Thus it came as no real surprise when she was the first one to pull Lily so they were sitting face to face, only inches apart.

"Would you care to explain how you've been down and out, not even knowing your own name for a month and somehow you still manage to get close to James Potter. JAMES POTTER!"

The people around them were trying their best not to stare. The majority of them had their heads down with their eyes focused intensely on their mashed potatoes like they were the greatest thing to ever be placed on a plate. It was obvious though that everyone's ears were trained on the three girls sitting at the end of the Gryffindor Table.

"Shh," Charity soothed, for she had noticed that everyone around them was sitting silently, waiting for the newest gossip to be handed to them on a shiny silver platter.

"Fine," Rosalyn huffed, but she did lower the volume of her voice, "so, we're told we can't see you. That you're not allowed visitors, so you can imagine our surprise when you waltz in here after a month and you have James Potter glued to your hip. How did this happen?"

"Cool it Ross, let the girl talk. He's not really that bad. I don't get why you are so anti Potter," Charity muttered.

"Let's get out of here," Rosalyn hissed as she nodded in the direction of their eavesdroppers.

"Wait, I'm starving," Lily groaned.

Before she could protest anymore, she was hauled out of her seat and being dragged towards the doors. In the meantime her food adorned plate was being shoved into her open arms, "You can eat and talk at the same time right?" Apparently they didn't realize that while she had been discharged from the Hospital Wing, that didn't mean she was as good as new.

"I see now why I wasn't allowed visitors, or let out sooner. You guy's are absolutely exhausting," Lily said as she plopped herself down on a step, halfway up the staircase. Her two friends didn't realize she had stopped suddenly and therefore they reached the top of the flight of stairs before they too stopped. Much to their embarrassment they had to turn around and walk back down the stairs to where Lily was perched. It was apparent she had no intentions of moving. It was a quite spot and she had somewhere to sit and rest while she ate.

"Fine, i guess it's as good a spot as any," Rosalyn mumbled as she slumped down onto the stair above Lily's, "so are you now going to explain to us what has been going on. Enlighten us."

Words didn't have a chance to even be formed in Lily's brain, let alone leave her lips before she was interrupted again. She squeezed her eyes shut, it really did feel like her brain was on overload. Maybe she could just tune them out. At least for a little bit while she finished her dinner. It wasn't that rude was it? Besides they were the ones disturbing her meal. Okay, it was settled, she wasn't listening. Not until she got some food in her system. She hadn't quite realized how famished she was until she placed the first bite of meat pie in her mouth. The pastry melted perfectly on her tongue and the flavours were just pure bliss. She had become used to the food in the Hospital Wing. Sure it had come from the same place, but it was never anything really special, or all that fresh. It had to be transported a long way to get there after all.

"Lily, Lily!"

"What?" Lily snapped before she could control herself.

"Would you please enlighten us as to how and why you were pretty much surgically attached to the hip with James Potter when for the past six years, you couldn't stand the sight of him?"

The expression on Lily's face said enough.

"You mean you don't remember what he has done to you?"

And that was when the world that Lily had constructed began to crumble at an alarming rate.

xxx

a/n I just realized as I was starting to write this that it was definitely time to get this story out of the Hospital Wing. I've been anticipating this moment for a long time and I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please let me know what you though, I really, really love hearing from you. Oh, so you may have noticed I fiddled around and changed the Chapter names. I've decided to try something new, and each chapter is going to be a song name that I've pulled from my itunes library that I think fits the chapter. Please review. Cheers.


	7. Who Are You When I'm Not Looking?

She was tired and weak from all the energy she had exerted during her first day of freedom. It had not been anything short of adventurous. Her mental and physical exhaustion was just becoming apparent as it coupled with the spinning in her head. The waves kept crashing into her. One after another, pounding, trying to drive her into the ground. Just when she felt she could finally break the surface and gasp for a much needed breath, she was pulled buck under, kicking and screaming. It was getting harder and harder for her to fight it.

But she could and she would. She was a strong person. He had said so himself, and regardless of what had just been revealed, she still believed him. She was lucky she had been sitting down. A tumble down the long and treacherous flight of stairs would not do anything for her condition. Would that be ironic to have to be carted back to the Hospital Wing after only being out for an afternoon? That would have to set a new record, and one she was sure that nobody would have any chance of breaking anytime soon. From her perch, halfway up the staircase, she settled into the wall. The cold surface penetrated through her clothes, even more so than the frigid winter air outside had done, and it sent shivers up and down her spine. She remained mute through this entire time.

She just wanted to think, to remember. She needed proof and the only way she could come upon this desired evidence was to open her mind and remember. It was the only way she could trust what was actually unfolding was the truth. Nobody else, could tell her the truth, because nobody knew her life except herself. Or at least her former self did.

Her two friends were gazing down at her. Wide-eyed and eager to understand what had gone wrong. Lily couldn't help but think that maybe they didn't know the whole story. Yes, that had to be the case. It would explain why her friends were left in the dark. If they didn't exactly trust Potter, maybe he and Lily had been keeping their relationship or at least their friendship a secret. With that in mind, it could easily be flipped the opposite way and prove that she was really just still in the dark about her own life. They could be completely right, and what would she do if that were the case? It was that thought that was causing Lily's brain to spin and her world to crumble. Had everything she remembered been a lie? Who was she? That was the hardest thing to stomach. She didn't know who she was or what she stood for. It was becoming apparent that she was a danger to herself. It had seemed like a good idea to get out into the normal flow of life, but now she was realizing that she was going to hurt somebody, including herself. There was no way around it. Simply because she couldn't remember how she was supposed to interact with certain people. It was a horrible idea, that one must treat different people differently, but that was the reality of the world. Especially in the world that they were currently residing in. There was so much segregation. Social status, blood status, House patriotism and school cliques, they were all present and demanding different forms of respect in the small sub-community they called a school.

Her friends had given her time to think, and process the reality that had been thrust upon her, but that didn't mean they were going to let her off easy. She was still going to have to answer to the judiciary for her actions. It seemed hardly fair when one considered all the things stacked against her. Then the repercussions would be decided and hand out. The consequences were what kept Lily quite. The longer she held her tongue, the longer she could hold on to the idea that everything would be okay. She didn't know how much longer she'd be allowed to keep her silence. It appeared her time was just about up. Her spiky haired friend had leaned forward, hands rested in her lap as she began to open her mouth. Nothing escaped her colourful lips though, as a group of babbling first years rounded the corner and began making their way up the same staircase the three girls were occupying.

Reluctantly, the three girls shifted to one side of the staircase, opening up a pathway for the younger students to use. For Charity and Rosalyn it seemed like their company couldn't walk any slower, but in Lily's eyes they could slow their pace down just a bit more. The longer they were there, the longer she was off the hook for answering to her escapades.

When silence had re-blanketed the staircase, Lily knew her time was up.

"Time's up," Rosalyn barked in a tone that seemed very uncaring. This earned her a well placed glare from Charity.

In a much more caring tone, Charity tried to smooth the way, and with it, Lily's nerves, "We're probably not supposed to tell you any of this, or even really talk about it, but we fell you need to know. We realize that because your memory is gone, you may not know some of the things that made you, you. That's why we're here. We're here to make sure you don't do anything you're going to hate yourself for when your memory finally does return."

Lily couldn't argue with that. It was exactly what she had just been thinking, "All right," she muttered under her breath, but she wasn't going to let them know that, "I'll listen, but with one condition..." and she named her price.

It was a hard pill for Rosalyn to swallow. After all she, unlike Charity failed to see the good in James. That being said, Charity didn't atone what was playing out. Sure she didn't hate James, maybe she might go as far as say she liked him on a good day, but she knew the real Lily hated James. As a friend it was her duty to protect her friend when she couldn't protect herself.

The silence that had been temporarily lifted had appeared once again as the three girls processed Lily's conditions. She had said she would be open to their view, only if they trusted hers as well. Lily knew they had her well being in mind and she respected and would take into account their opinions and views. Lily couldn't deny they knew more than she did. What Lily wanted them to accept was that maybe things weren't always as they seemed. Maybe, just maybe she had been given the wonderful gift of being able to look upon the un-jaded truth. She would hold that idea close to her heart, because it was becoming more and more apparent, that her friends were quite aware of what was going on. What they had to do was look at this as an opportunity. A wonderful opportunity to erase the years and return to a state of youthfulness were there was no good or bad, and everyone was friends with everyone.

"Trust me and I'll trust you," Lily broke the silence with a murmur.

"We just don't want to see you get hurt. Not after what has just happened, and not ever," Rosalyn whispered. It was a rarity to hear her the volume of her voice below a shriek.

"We love you," Charity added, "and although you may not agree with our actions, we know you would do the same for us."

"And we'd come kicking and screaming all the way," the comment by Rosalyn earned a short chuckle all around. It was going better than Lily had first predicted. Now it was becoming more apparent that the two girls who at first seemed to want to force their opinions on their friend, were actually more interested in guiding their friend towards the facts and her own realizations.

Whatever Lily decided was going to be ultimately a decision done on her own. Others could only lead you so far along the path before they had to drop off and continue on their own journey. In the end, Lily would be left to make her own mistakes. Ones she would have to live with. With that thought always tucked away safely in the back of one's mind, a person was pushed to not always make the easiest or even the right decisions, but the ones that were best for them. The ones which would allow them to lay their head down at night and drift off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

"Okay," Lily agreed, if for the only reason that they knew more about her than she currently did, "okay."

"Let's go somewhere else," Charity jumped up suddenly from her perch and grabbed Lily who was the closest one. With little choice, Lily was dragged up the stairs and around a corner. From behind her she could hear the pattering as Rosalyn tried to keep up.

Only once they were sufficiently far away from their original resting spot did Charity finally drop Lily's arm. It tingled from where Charity had been grasping it so tightly and the red imprint of her hand was rapidly forming. Lily gave it a gentle shake to try get it back to its normal feeling.

"I didn't want to talk about it there, in the open and everything," she finally explained her reasoning for the hastily planned retreat, "it's personal," she nodded towards Lily.

"Thanks I guess, but should I be worried?" she was getting nervous, all this build up was creating insurmountable tension. She was almost at the point of screaming, begging them to just get on with it. Get it out in the open and so she could accept and move on. Maybe it wasn't that bad, but the way things were playing out, nobody talking about it was making it seem like what was going to be divulged was disastrous

Nobody answered Lily's question, nor did they even begin talking.

"You know what," Lily tried again, "why don't you tell me exactly what you think. Get it all out and let me decide. I'm tired, I need to talk to James and I'm still starving. Think you can do that?" somehow her confidence was back. With her back squared to the wall she lifted her chin, held her head eye and waited for it.

Finally it did.

"First off," Rosalyn began, "he's not James," she said the name and it looked like she had eaten something rancid, "he's Potter. Nothing else."

"He calls you his Lily Flower," Charity added, and so began their combined tale. Each one feeding off of the other's story. Adding bits the other forgot and generally weaving a complex but complete story.

"But you guys aren't friends. He gets really personal with you when he should really just be calling you Evans."

"And he uses the word _his _even though you guys aren't together. He's possessive and it drives you nuts. You're a really independent person."

"He's crazy about you, and I don't just mean crazy in love. He's genuinely crazy. When he sees you he does crazy things. Like..." she didn't finish her sentence because a well placed elbow into her upper arm jolted her back to her senses.

"This has been going on for years."

"More like since we all boarded the train for the first time."

"He's had this crush that just won't ever go away. It doesn't matter how many times you turn him down or say no he just keeps coming back. He'll ask again and again. When people tell him it's pointless he just stands his ground and says that someday you'll come around."

"But why aren't we together then if this has been going on for that long," Lily enquired, "I mean why didn't I just give in and go out with him once. Let him have his date and then be on my way? Why fight it when obviously he wasn't going to drop it?"

Both of her friends started laughing uncontrollably at that comment.

"Seriously?"

"You go out with Potter?"

"You don't know how much I wish that the old you could hear you saying this. You might just actually beat yourself up. You sound insane right now."

"I'm actually trusting Potter less if that's even possible after seeing what he's done to you. He's taken advantage of you without a doubt. It really is scaring me. I never thought he would stoop down to that level, but to have to fake you out when you don't remember what he's like is low. He can't be trusted, not before, especially not now. He's lost even the littlest bit of respect I once had for him," Charity shook her head sadly like she was finally admitting there was no good left in the world.

It was odd to hear all this. How could things be that different? She was the same person as she had always been. From the sounds of it James really hadn't done anything wrong to her except love her, so why did her old self hate him so much? There had to be something huge that her friends weren't telling her, because she from what she knew of herself now, she didn't seem like a bad person. So why would a good person just hate someone for no reason. Not using as many words, she voiced these concerns to the girls, "What did he do to me, to make me hate him?"

And so began the intricately woven tale of James Potter and Lily Evans and six years of escalating love, hate and pranks.

"Thanks girls," Lily murmured after they had finally finished their recount of their Hogwarts Career, "I think I just need to be alone for awhile, get some sleep. You know. I'm exhausted," nobody made any move to follow her as she got up from her place on the floor that she had sunk down to half way through the stories.

"Good night," the girls chimed. They really didn't get any satisfaction out of explaining everything to Lily, as much as it may have seemed that they did.

"I hope she'll be okay?" Charity said once Lily had rounded the corner and was safely out of earshot.

"The poor thing. I can't even imagine what she's going through. To not know anything and latch onto the first person who shows you kindness is really a dangerous thing."

"But I think we finally did manage to get through to her. She had her walls built up through the first part but I could see it in her eyes, she realizes what's actually going on isn't the reality that she has assembled."

"I hope she sleeps tonight, it's a lot to process for anyone and she looks so exhausted."

By the time they got up to their dormitory the hangings were drawn on Lily's four poster bed. An odd thing to see since they'd gone a month without their best friend and roommate.

Little did they know though, Lily had raced up to the dormitory ahead of her friends, made it look like she was sleeping and bolted back down into the midst of the castle. There was still plenty of hours left until curfew and she had to find Potter. She was no longer tired. Not after what had just been explained to her. She needed answers now and that was fuelling her. Answers that her friends couldn't provide. He needed to explain himself. Why had he done it? Why?

xxx

a/n So I made this little vow to myself that Friday's were going to be my update day and no matter what happened during the week I'd put up whatever I had on that day. But as you can see that didn't happen. I'm really only a day late, so I hope you'll forgive me and still find some time to review. It doesn't take long and I love reading them. Would make my day seeing as I'm pretty lonely right now. That's what I love about fanfic, it manages to make a lot of bad situations better. Cheers.


	8. Stupid Boy

Okay maybe she actually was tired. Her momentary reprieve was short lived, and obviously her bodies last ditch attempt to persuaded her to seek rest. She pushed through it though, there was more important things that were calling for her to deal with.

Only after she had run around for half an hour, searching but to no avail, did she finally stop and giver herself a moments pause. To contemplate where she was and where she was going. It had finally hit her that she really had no idea what she was doing. The castle was huge. So many floors, corridors, towers and secret passages. Everything looked the same, but at the same time it was so very different. Yes, there were stone floors and walls adorned with windows and torch brackets everywhere. How it was different was that even if she was standing in the same place the ways the staircase changed, passages appeared and shadows draped themselves across whatever lay within their path, made everything appear foreign.

How was she supposed to find a needle in this sort of haystack, and a moving needle at that. She could scour every square inch of the place and still come up empty handed, because as she was moving, the odds were high that he was as well. She needed a strategy. Where would he be? It suddenly hit her that as much as she had been trying to defend him, she really didn't know anything about him, but wait, she did know something. He played Quidditch. Maybe he was out at the pitch. With no other leads to follow and no idea where anything else really was in the castle, she decided to give it a go. It was worth a shot wasn't it? She really didn't have any better plans after all.

Currently she was up in one of the towers, so initially she thought she could simply look out a window and be able to scan the entire grounds. To her frustration, it turned out her view of the pitch was actually blocked by other parts of the castle.

A groan escaped her lips and she pointed her body in the direction of the stairs. There were many flights ahead of her it appeared. Spiralling staircase, straight ones, stone ones, moving ones. She had a work out standing before her. She didn't know it at that point but she would only make it down to the third floor before something would catch her attention. The voice, it was back, and that meant only one thing. The voice only ever appeared when he was close by. Actually very close by. As soon as he would leave through the doors of the Hospital Wing, the voice would disappear. Should she call out to him? But what if it actually wasn't him? She actually hadn't ever formally linked the voice to him. It really was a crazy idea to think that she thought she was hearing his thoughts. Was that even possible?

Sure she could verify very easily if it truly was his thoughts, all she would have to do was ask him if he was thinking about such and such event that the little voice was talking about. The look on his face would be enough to tell her if she had been shooting in the right direction.

What did she have to lose if she called out to him? Nobody else was around to hear her, she hadn't passed a person in over ten minutes. Apparently it was the time of night when everyone hunkered down next to a warm fire in their common rooms. Without giving herself another moment to contemplate and ultimately back out, she opened her mouth and tentatively called out his name, "James."

No reply. At least not at first. All of a sudden, just when Lily had figured she'd proven her theory wrong, he stepped out from the shadows.

"I thought I wouldn't be seeing you again anytime soon," he lightly chuckled to hide what that phrase actually meant to him, "not after your friends pulled you back to reality."

Lily didn't say anything at first. Was he admitting that they really weren't living in the normal reality? While she had come searching for him with one thing on her mind, she wasn't so sure that now she really wanted to tell him that. No, she finally decided with a sense of finality, she'd stick with what she had originally intended. There was to be no more hastily thrown curve balls. She'd had enough of them in one day for the rest of her life.

"I'd like an explanation," she began. It was as simple as that. The reason she had wasted a good hour wandering around aimlessly searching for him when she had so many better things she could be doing. For example, sleeping.

He hung his head in response to her comment. Apparently he had been hoping her return had signalled that she didn't believe the stories her friends had fed her. Who was he really to think she'd go against her friends and instead believe him? He had been a fool.

"An explanation as to why I'm supposed to hate you," she'd done it and it felt good. Not being able to hold it in any longer she let the smile form, and at the same time, his grew across his face as well.

"Well, I've really been wondering that myself," he breathed, "you always failed to enlighten me on that topic."

"Seeing as I can't remember it now, it sure seems like a pretty stupid reason."

They were standing there in the centre of the deserted corridor, staring awkwardly at each other. All of a sudden is was if both of them realized how uncomfortable the situation was and they both let their eyes drop down to the ground. Their gaze now focused on what apparently was the most interesting thing in the vicinity, their shoes.

The awkwardness was not over yet. Throats were cleared, feet shuffled and hands wrung.

"I guess..."

"Why don't we..."

Two voices broke the silence at the same time, but that was what they needed to get past the hurdle that had been blocking their progress.

"Let's walk," he extended his hand to her, in a gesture of complete submission. With a soft smile she accepted his offer. Down the corridor they walked, hand in hand at a leisurely pace. They had nowhere to be and all the time in the world to straighten out the jumbled mismatch before them.

Their journey through the corridors didn't last for very long. As they came upon a bench, situated under a window they stopped walking. Neatly tucked away into the nook that jutted from the corridor they sat. Their bodies were draped in the moonlight that shone in through the panes of glass. It was a brilliantly white quarter moon. The storm that had been raging earlier had broken. If only for a little while. The cold air that swirled beyond the window only seemed to amplify the crisp lines of light that the moon reflected. The moon always seemed brighter, clearer, crisper and ultimately more beautiful during the cold spells of winter. Lily wondered if James had ever noticed that, or if it was just her over active imagination.

Tucked in the corner, wedged in between the wall and James' body, Lily pulled up her legs. Hugging them close to her body for warmth and comfort. The cold air had penetrated the walls of their fortress.

Noticing the chill that had fallen upon them, James pulled her close to him and rubbed her upper arm. She laid her head down on his shoulder and let out a sigh. She didn't want to move. Everything felt too good to be true. If she moved, it felt like it would all end.

"I don't really know what I'm apologizing for," she began, "but I still believe that it is long overdue, I should have told you a long time ago," it was an odd feeling to be formulating an apology for something she didn't remember ever doing and on top of that, something she would never dream of doing now.

"No, you don't, you don't owe me anything I mean."

Turning her head slightly so she could make eye contact with him. He was having trouble meeting her gaze again which puzzled her. What was happening and how could she stop it? She liked the way things were going before. Why change a good thing?

"Let me clear some things up for you. Before you go and say something you'll one day regret."

She didn't know how she would ever regret an apology, especially when it was directed towards James, but she was at a loss for words and couldn't stop James from continuing.

"I'm going to clear some stuff up that your friends wouldn't have told you. The reason they wouldn't have told you was because they wouldn't have known because you never had the chance to tell them. Before I begin I want to remind you that I still love you, I have loved you for some time and I'll always love you. But I've screwed up. Sure I've made errors in judgement before, but this was a massive misconception on my part."

Lily had pulled her head away from his shoulder and was trying desperately to dissolve the lump that had suddenly wedged itself into her throat, making it almost impossible for her to swallow, and even hard to breath.

"What I'm trying to say is...is you should probably...probably believe your friends."

Now Lily could see the beads of sweat glistening on James' brow. It was especially concerning considering the chill that hung in the air. She knew that if she could see herself, she probably didn't look very composed at the moment either.

"Sure they don't know the last nail I pounded into the coffin, but they still have a pretty good idea based upon the precedent I had already set. I know you think they're biased and don't have a clue about what's actually going on, but with all due respect, neither do you. That's why you need to trust me. I'm the only one that knows the whole story."

Lily finally regained control of her voice and her legs at the same time. As she jumped to her feet she exclaimed, "No."

"Lily?" James said softly in a warning tone that one would usually reserve for reprimanding ill-behaving children, "Let me finish," he said the last bit with a sigh. Like it pained him to even think about it.

Well, it pains me too, Lily thought, but she didn't say that out loud. Instead she said, "I can't let you say that, whatever it was you were about to say."

"Just sit down, let me finish," he replied impatiently. Sure he wanted to get this over with as much as she did but he wasn't going to let her walk away until she understood the full reasoning behind his decision.

"No, we'll talk tomorrow...later...some other time. Once you've had time to think and process this. I know we had our differences. Differences may not even be the word to describe it, but I feel like I've been given a gift. You're an amazing person who for the last month has got me through the hardest thing imaginable. You were there for me when no one else was. The gift I've been given is clear eyes. My past has been wiped clean and with it my grudges and prejudices. It's an opportunity people dream of, and it has been handed to me. Yes, in a peculiar way but I believe with all my heart that that was why the accident happened. To bring us together. Whatever higher power is out there could see that we would never get together as things were going because I had to much holding me back. Now all I know is how much of a wonderful person you are. I really like you James and I want to spend more time with you, regardless of what has or hasn't happened previously."

Now they were both standing. James, pressed up against the bench and Lily blocking his escape. He was in the perfect position though to grab her shoulders and give her a shake. Something he felt like doing, but would never actually do.

"James I see things as they are now. No frosted glass standing between me and reality any longer."

"No, Lily, that's not true. You see now what you want to see and I can't let you do that. I may be a lot of things, but I'm really trying to not be that bad of a person. I couldn't sleep at night if I let you believe that everything was okay."

"But why can't it all be okay?" she looked up at him with pleading eyes. Eyes that he couldn't look at, otherwise he'd break down and cave to her will. Those emerald eyes could sway even the most hardened individual and James was especially vulnerable to their gaze.

"It just can't be," he lowered his voice from the shout that it had been at and ran a hand through his unruly hair.

"Tell me why. Give me one good reason why, because up until this point, not you, not Charity or Ross have given me one good reason why I should simply walk away. That's all I ask for."

"I took advantage of you in the Hospital Wing. You couldn't remember anything and I just assumed I could waltz in and be your saviour and because you didn't know any better you'd fall in love with me. I never predicted how guilty I would actually feel. You told me specifically before that come hell or high water you would never be interested in me. I violated you."

"But I don't feel violated, so it doesn't matter."

"No, it does, because someday you'll wake up and realize that your memory has come back. I don't know if it will be tomorrow or ten years from now but I don't want you to feel the disappointment and disgust with yourself when you realize how you've let yourself down. I'm not naive Lily, I know you aren't a horrible person. You didn't turn me town for six years for no reason. Maybe I don't know what that exact reason has been but I do know that for you to hold your ground for that long, then it must have been something extraordinarily substantial. It's defined your life and I can't let you go against your morals just because something stupid like your memory has temporarily erased them."

"I guess you didn't hear what I said then," she said, "I don't think of it that way. I look at it as an opportunity. How many times in your life can you say you're completely opinion free? Totally unjaded?"

"But with that comes innocence and I can't take that away from you."

"James, I'm not innocent. Unjaded yes, but innocent, no," Lily sighed, "Please, just give me a reason and I'll walk away. Until then, you're stuck with me. Give me one reason that I can't live with," the way he was going earlier it didn't seem like he would ever be able to come up with that one thing that would be too much for her. Maybe in the past it would have been, but she was a different person now. The little things didn't affect her like they used to because she felt like her life was a gift now, just waiting for her to open every possible door and live, "If you don't have anything to say, I'm going to assume we're good. That tomorrow I'll meet you in the common room and we'll go down to breakfast together. As a couple."

The silence that hung in the air between them was deafening.

"The curse that hit you was from me," he didn't wait for her to walk away. He was already halfway down the corridor.

xxx

a/n whew, that last third of the chapter was an absolute blast to write. I loved the tension and I hope you did too. Not that the first part wasn't good, but well it's hard to feel anything when you're writing in class trying not to fall asleep while your Professor natters on about the nothingness of the day. Seriously I love to read and write by I can't believe how useless that particular English class is. I can't believe I pay money for that. There's my rant for the day, now back to the other matters at hand. Please tell me what you think. I love your reviews so, so much and they make everything good. Cheers.


	9. Alone

What do you do when your heart has been broken? Shattered into a million tiny shards that poked and stabbed you from within with their razor sharp, dagger like edges. Who do you turn to? Do you shut down, break stuff, run until you've left the hurt behind? Until the burn, overrides the crumbling you're feeling.

For Lily, she froze. Her legs became unable to propel her forward and she did the only thing her body would allow her to do. She sank back down onto the bench that was pressed up against her leg. Almost nudging her, saying I'm here for you, to support you when no one else can.

She leaned back against the rough stone wall and drew her knees once again up to her chest. Only once she had buried her face into the tangle of elbows and knees was she finally content. Content she had found her safe spot. A place where she could block out the negativity of the world that was pounding at her skull. Trying to break down her guard.

She didn't know how long she sat there, listening to the wind that had started to howl beyond the walls. The storm was back. It had never been a question about whether or not it would return, but when it would and with what intensity. She had cleared her brain. Erased all the hurt, pain and uncertainty. Now she could just sit. In her incubated state until time had run its course and she was free to unravel herself and step back into a healed world.

The seconds ticked by. A constant in a predominantly changing world. She was situated in a quiet wing, and therefore her time went by, uninterrupted. At least until the nightly guard went through, doing their rounds before the castle was sealed up for the night. While she was tucked away in the shadows of the nook, it wasn't nearly enough cover for those that were well educated in the methods students took to skirt the much hated and often broken curfew.

The person almost missed the curled up body tucked away. It caught their attention though just out of the corner of their eye as they were about to round the corner. Suddenly they stopped in their tracks and quickly reversed. What up until that point had been a peaceful evening, had finally brought about some results for the search.

"Do you know what time it is?" the person barked crisply. She had no time to waste any energy on such meagre tasks as instilling an aura of kindness into her speech. She became especially annoyed when the body curled up on the bench did not move. She placed her hand on the students shoulder and even that wasn't enough to stir that person. A brisk shake was the next step. Just as she had planned, a head emerged from the bundle.

The look on the students face was not one of terror as she usually saw when she caught people sneaking around. It wasn't a look of anger either. Instead the face that stared up at her looked absolutely miserable. It was a look she had seen before, not to long ago on that same students face.

"You're breaking curfew, come with me," she spun around on the heel of her boot and clicked her way back down the corridor. Not waiting for the student to follow her, she just knew she would.

Sure enough when she made it to her office, the redhead was trailing silently several steps behind. The Professor held open the door for her and pointed at an empty seat. Or what became an empty seat after she waved her wand and the scrolls and books picked themselves up and flew across the room to the bookshelf where they neatly stacked themselves into a structured pile.

Glumly her guest sunk down into the chair and waited. She now knew that she was going to be punished. Point deductions and weeks of either physically brutal, or mind numbingly boring detentions awaited her, but she couldn't bring herself to care. It was all in the context of things. Usually she would have been shameful of her actions. Now she was just miserable, and no other emotion could break through the misery and overshadow it.

"Biscuit," the Professor crisply asked, but to her dismay she didn't even receive an answer. Therefore she didn't ask any more questions. Instead she set the kettle to boil over the open flame in the grate. A tartan covered tin was pulled from a nearby shelf and placed open on the desk. Within arms reach, the fluffy, white shortbread stared up at the ceiling, just begging to be enjoyed.

"Tea'll be ready in just a minute."

As they waited for the water to boil they sat in silence, or almost silence. The wind was still humming outside. At a rate that would be threatening to smaller structures than the one they were sitting in. The windows rattled in time with the steady rolls of the water beginning to boil.

When the water reached its rolling boil, the hostess-or capture, it was still unclear as to what she really intended to do-jumped up from her seat that she had briefly sat down on and poured the water. Only when she placed the delicate china cup in front of her guest, did she finally get a reaction.

"Thanks," Lily muttered as she brought the china to her lips and gently blew on the steaming liquid to cool it. A ripple eased itself across the top surface, and then she took a sip. Delicately she placed the tea cup back on the saucer she held in her left hand and then she leaned forward and placed the ensemble on the desktop. She was still bitter about having her quiet time interrupted.

"I assume you had an eventful afternoon being your first day of freedom in a long time?" she smiled kindly at her student. She had always had a soft spot for Lily Evans. Ever since she had been sorted into her own House on the first night, she had taken her under her wing. Showing her the ropes of a foreign world and lifestyle. If you actually traced their relationship back, it began further back than even the first day of school. It had all started that monumental day in the summer when Lily had received her first letter to Hogwarts. McGonagall had been the one to knock on the Evans family's door and tell two very shocked parents why their daughter was so special. It hadn't been an easy announcement. It had been riddled with lots of laughter and enquiring about who had sent a late or very early April Fool's Day Prank. No, it hadn't been the easiest explanatory trip that McGonagall had been on, but it certainly hadn't been the worst one.

Six months before the day that they were currently a part of, when tragedy had struck the Evans family, McGonagall had been the one dispatched by the ministry to pick up the shattered pieces with the Evans children. Ever since then she had been the person that Lily went to when she had a problem. School, friends, love, McGonagall had heard it all and had been the sounding board for everything Lily had done. Both involved had highly valued their relationship.

What Lily had never known, while she had ranted on numerous times about how the Potter boy had done such and such horrible action on any given day, was that the Potter family was especially close to McGonagall. Even as much as to place her in the important role of Godmother to their only son. Little did Lily know, that half of the time she sat in the cozy office, the seat she was currently holding down had been just vacated by the person she was fuming about.

For some people it would become tiresome to hear the same story repeated, but for the Professor it was entertaining. You couldn't deny the drama was amazingly complex in those two sixteen year olds lives. I also helped that she loved the two teens dearly and wanted only the best for them.

With those reasons in mind, it explained why biscuits and tea was served over punished and reprimand. It didn't hurt either that McGonagall would have given anybody that had had their memory wiped clean the benefit of the doubt that they didn't know when curfew was. Or that there even was one.

What the Professor didn't know was what had happened to push the usually bubbly girl she had seen running around earlier, into the slump she was currently residing in. She had a feeling she would have to prod to get a response, but the question was how hard?

If she did too little, she wouldn't break down even the first layer of the guard. Too much would usually end in a screaming fit, today she predicted she wouldn't be so lucky. Shutting down was even more than she currently was doing, was the most likely effect of pushing too hard.

Usually she would just slightly over prod. Today she was unsure if that was the right thing to do, but she'd do it anyway. What other choice did she really have? Sucking in a breath she prepared herself for what she did not know.

"I saw you and Potter together today, you looked pretty close. Did you have a good day of freedom with him?" at one point it had felt awkward to address James as Potter, but now she was used to it. His father was Potter, not their little bundle of energetic boy that had grown before her eyes from an infant to man. He would always be James to her, but she couldn't let that one on to Lily. She would definitely lose the girls confidence in their relationship, and that was something she was not going to threaten. Especially not in such a time when Lily was as vulnerable as she currently was.

It was the final twist of the knife for Lily. It had already been plunged in, removed and repeated several times over. The pain that coursed through her body was unbearable and seemed as if it would never cease. She felt utterly alone. He had been the only one there for her over the last several painful weeks. He'd always been the light shining at the end of the dark tunnel that every day brought, for she knew that come night time he'd be there once more.

Now she didn't have anyone. She hated to admit it to herself but she really couldn't see what her former self had seen in her choice of friends. Had she been living a lie and the accident proved successful in waking her up from a horrid nightmare? Or was she living that nightmare now and she really was just so off the wall because she didn't remember anything? Maybe she just wasn't the person she thought she was. If that was the case though, was she acting then? Only playing a character in her life instead of her true self?

All those prejudices she had been thinking were running strong in the world had just fallen a little to close to home. Was she herself, at least her old self a fake? As much as she tried to deny it to herself she couldn't come up with any better explanation. She was still herself, regardless of whether or not she had her memory, and with that in mind, a person couldn't just change. Could they? Not unless the whole time she had lived her life as a carefully planned script. An actor in a play. Now that she couldn't remember the role she was supposed to play she was in trouble. She was showing her true self, her true colours. What had been so bad about that in the first place that she had to cover it up? Spin a web of stories and lies for a large chunk of her life?

It was every teenage girl's worst nightmare. Everyone was told in life to follow your path, go and find yourself and every other cliché in the book, but this was so much worse. Lily didn't just need to find herself, she had to find who she had pretended to be for so long, and why she had spun such a web. It was an overwhelming task. One that just made her stomach feel like it had dropped out of her body even more.

Up until that point it had seemed like tears would do no good. She had tried to cry because it had seemed like the proper thing to do when something like this happened in ones life, but she had come up empty handed. She couldn't even force the tears out.

When the Professor stood up and walked around the desk and placed a motherly hand on her shoulder, it was enough for Lily to finally give in. The tears began with a great hiccup, and she cried. She cried for the relationship that had never really had a chance, for her friends who seemed to clash with her personality, for the family that was no longer in her life, and for the unknown surrounding that family. She knew she and her sister were not close and so she had to assume something had happened with her parents as well. Otherwise why were they not banging down the Hospital Wing door to get to her? The tears fell for the life she had lived and no longer could, and for the uncertainty that lay ahead.

The unknown was always what scared people, and here Lily found herself surrounded and engulfed by it. Everywhere she looked it swirled around her, mocking her almost. She couldn't escape it.

The reassuring hand on her shoulder was not enough human contact for her. Before she knew it she had fallen forwards and enveloped the usually hard Professor into an embrace. Just the warmth of another's body was enough to erase some of the utter loneliness and hopelessness that she was currently feeling.

"I just started to think I had things figured out, that I'd placed the pieces back together and now this goes and happens. I don't know who I am or even who I want to be. People tell me I should do this, this way because that was how Lily Evans always did it, but I don't feel it. I don't know who my old self was and I'm starting to think I don't like my old self from what I've heard. I've fallen for..." she couldn't bring herself to say it. She needed to catch her breath as she had spewed out the sentences in between the convulsions that her sobs caused.

She felt herself being drawn to her feet by the older woman and two arms were wrapped protectively around her. Holding her tight, holding her together as the emotions tried their hardest to pull her apart. Strip by strip.

It was that gesture that triggered her brain to realize she was in safe hands. It was the time to let it all out. She was safe here, nobody was going to judge her.

"I don't know who you are but I have to tell you this. I have to tell somebody."

McGonagall rubbed her back, comforting her just as her mother had done to her many years before when something had not gone her way.

"I've fallen for him...for Potter. Everyone tells me I shouldn't. That I hate him, but nobody has given me a good reason as to why I'm supposed to hate him. Even he doesn't know. They say I have my reasons but I don't know what those are. I've fallen for him, but he told me I should have. That I'm better off not liking him because he's not a good person. He walked away. I just want to be with him. He's been there for me. Ever night, the only one to be there and now he's gone. Something like he loves me to much to hurt me. That's absurd, who has ever heard of such stupid words being uttered?"

McGonagall didn't know if she should tell her. Yes, it would make the poor girl feel a lot better, but it also had the possibility of making things worse. Another reason why she should just keep her mouth shut was because she herself had ordered Lily's friends to not divulge any truths about her past. If she broke her own rule what good was she. The right solution would only come when she realized if telling Lily would harm her progress or her benefit her mental state. Sure it would be good for the poor girl to remember everything on her own, but where could you draw the line? If not knowing was doing something like this to her, that wasn't protecting her.

It was a hard decision and one the Professor wrestled over for several minutes. Finally she came to the conclusion that tonight wasn't the night. She'd see what a new day would bring. Tomorrow she could evaluate if the girl clinging to her had been able to dig herself even a slight amount out of her hole. Or if she had only managed to sink further down into the quick sand that was threatening very quickly to pull her under.

She held Lily for several more minutes, until the last of the sobs had drained all the energy out of the poor girl. A final tissue was handed over to wipe up the tears and then with a nod to say she was ready, they made their way out of the office and towards the Gryffindor Tower.

They didn't pass a soul on their journey through the maze of corridors and stairs. It was well past curfew by now and even the nightly guard had retreated to their quarters. Content that at least for a little while that the castle was all quiet.

McGonagall woke the lady in the portrait who at first started cursing about the insane hour, until she saw who it was. Many apologies were quickly stumbled over and then she swung open, cutting off her final apology mid way.

"Come on let's get you upstairs," McGonagall tightened her grip on Lily's arm and directed her towards the girls staircase. Beneath her grasp she could feel the poor girl shivering, trying to hold back her tears.

They only separated when they finally made it to the sixth year girl's dormitory door. The plague the adorned the door glowed from the candle light that was dancing around the landing.

Lily climbed into bed without even realizing that everyone was not actually asleep. The occupants of the dormitory had seen their Head of House escort their friend to her bed through the openings in their drapes. They'd wait though until the door closed and the Professor had disappeared before they confronted Lily about what had occurred when she found James, and why she was out so late that she had to be escorted back.

When the door had clicked shut, sheets rustled and hangings were hastily pulled back. Much to their disappointment, their prey had collapsed into a quick slumber as soon as she had hit the top bed sheets. Or so they had thought. In fact, Lily wouldn't catch more then ten minutes of uninterrupted sleep for the rest of the night. She just looked like she had crashed because she couldn't be bothered to put out the energy required to get underneath the covers.

At the bottom of the stairs McGonagall turned quickly when she sensed somebody was tucked away in one of the best arm chairs by the fire.

"Shouldn't you be along to bed now, don't you know the time?"

"Could I talk to you for a few minutes Min? I know it's late but..."

It was James. He was the only one to ever call her Min. Nobody could ever get away with calling Minerva McGonagall anything but her full name. It had driven her nuts since she had been a young child and she refused to call anybody by a condensed version of their name. But then James had come along. As an infant he had trouble pronouncing any part of her name and so he had settled by himself on the calling card _Min. _It had stuck, but only when that word came from his mouth. If anyone else were to call her that she would probably hex them into the next century but James was different. He was the closest thing to a son that she would ever have.

"Not a problem," she'd always have time for him. She just wondered how long he had been sitting there. It appeared there were three people in the castle that wouldn't be getting any sleep for a while.

xxx

A/N I can't believe how much I love you guys. Well, actually I can, after all who couldn't love such awesome reviewers as you guys are. I hope you enjoyed this little change in atmosphere of the story and I also hope that it inserted some new questions into your brains. Please let me know what your thoughts are. Cheers.


	10. Ready to Run

The oddest thing about curfew was that it technically never ended. Sure when dawn came it was common convention that one could leave their dormitory, but there was no set time saying one was allowed to resume wandering once again.

For Lily who didn't sleep a wink throughout the night, dawn couldn't come quick enough. She was just sitting a top her bed, watching the second hand of her watch slowly tick off the seconds. The longer she looked, the slower time seemed to pass, but that was nothing new. Neither was the reason for why she was watching the time, she was waiting for that time when the first hints of light would break the dark sky and she could make her escape. Sadly they were coming up upon the longest day of the year, as such, one would have to wait a lot longer for dawn to arrive than would typically be necessary.

Lily was waiting to get out of there, she had to get out before her friends awoke. She didn't know how long she'd have to avoid them all, but she did know she wasn't ready to discuss anything with them, or worse, have to explain herself. A reality that was sure to follow if she was pulled into a discussion with either Charity or Rosalyn.

Finally it was time, the hangings were eased back and she tip-toed in her stockinged feet across the cold floor, her shoes safely clenched in her left hand. The heavy wooden plank door may just become her downfall though, as the hinges nine times out of ten were very unforgiving. She eased open the door, ever so slowly and muttered a silent prayer for a silent escape. Amazingly enough, the hinges were on her side for once-at least something was-and they smoothly and silently allowed Lily to open the door.

Down the stairs and across the deserted common room. The sound of her hurried footsteps were muffled by the thick carpets and rugs that adorned the floors of the Gryffindor Common Room. When she was outside the portrait hole she suddenly stopped. Where was she supposed to go now? It was early, very early actually on a Saturday morning. Breakfast wouldn't be served for several hours because the majority of the students would not awaken until lunch, and so Lily began to wander. Her feet carried her to amazing new locations, and her mind kept quite. Not once did it step in to instruct her on where to go, her feet just carried her in random directions. Sometimes she find herself walking in circles, having passed the same landmark three, four maybe even five times. It didn't really matter, she was in no hurry to be anywhere or see anyone. In fact it was actually quite the opposite.

She only stopped to grab a quick bite when the food first appeared on the long glistening tables in the Great Hall. A shiny green apple was plucked delicately from the dish that held nearly a dozen of the bitter fruit. A piece of dry toast later and a quick gulp of pumpkin juice and she was on her way again. This routine would repeat until curfew fell again at night. Come the next day, she'd do it all again. Upon the arrival of Monday, Lily was at a loss for what to do. No longer could she run away from her problems. It was time for her to return to class. She would never have predicted how hard it actually was to pack her book bag and head off to her first class. She had always been one who loved school. Even as a young girl, entering Primary School she had always looked forward to the first day of school, and every Monday thereafter. Therefore it was a foreign feeling that was currently pressing on the inside of her stomach and making her feel quite ill.

As she walked one foot in front of the other towards what felt like her own demise, she contemplated what the worse part of everything was. James would be in all of her classes, as would Rosalyn and Charity, but on top of her personal dilemmas was the downright horrible issue of schoolwork. As much as she had tried to keep up with her studies from her hospital bed, she had not been all that successful. It appeared that since her accident, the amount of time she could focus on a specific task had become greatly reduced. Since her first class was a double block-double potions actually-she didn't know how she was going to fair.

Much to her surprise she made it all right through her morning. It was nothing spectacular, but she did survive. To ensure she could avoid the people she was trying to avoid, she would make sure to show up just before class was to start. That would ensure that she could sneak in and snag the usually unoccupied seat at the very back of the room, making it look like she had just plunked herself down in order to avoid interrupting the class that was just about to begin. Another benefit of coming in right at the last minute was that nobody else had time to collect their stuff and move seats to sit by her. She just needed to be alone and that seat suited her purpose very nicely.

After a quick lunch, Lily had two classes remaining. That was when things began to fall apart. It started out that the room just became cloudy and she sat in her haze. That was okay, while they were being lectured to, but then when they were asked to stand up and demonstrate, things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

The instructions were muffled, but at the same time they were echoing. It was almost as if she was at the entrance to a long tunnel, listening to someone far off at the other end calling out to her. Suddenly an elbow jolted her back to the present, as a wave of snickers diffused throughout the room. Lily Evans had just been caught zoning out in class. A first.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled sheepishly to the Professor who was staring at her, waiting for an answer. What she had actually missed she still didn't know and it appeared the Professor was not too keen on repeating the last sentence.

"You may be excused Miss Evans, but I'll see you after class."

A mixture of shame and relief could be felt by Lily. Never before had she been called upon in class and then not had the answer, let alone been asked politely to leave. They were not even halfway through the period and so she had a lot of time to kill before she had to meet with the Professor. With no other idea about what she should do, she decided just to sit down in the corridor and wait for the minutes to again tick by.

Apparently utter exhaustion had a way of taking over and Lily didn't realize how quickly a quiet seat could turn into a wonderful sleeping place. One minute she had been sitting there, staring absentmindedly at the wall across the corridor from where she had sat herself down and the next it was the inside of her eyelids which stared back at her. There had been one specific imperfection in the stone that had enthralled her. It was a slightly different colour, more of a brownish colour impeded in a wall of grey. That was the last thing she had seen before her eyelids finally succumbed to the to the adventures of the weekend. She didn't awake when classes let out. A testament to how sleep deprived she actually was, for the pounding of feet and high pitched chatter would have been enough to wake the dead, or at least the severely deaf.

The strange part of it all was that she didn't wake up until the last door had closed and the noise had died away. Apparently the absence of the deafening roar was a better disturber of sleep . The new problem was that she was unaware that she had in fact slept through break. Sinking back in upon herself she willed herself back to sleep, to wait for class to end. She didn't know how much longer she had, but she thought that surely the noise of moving students would be enough to alert her to the ending of class. How wrong she was. Her eyes hadn't been closed for long when she was roughly jolted back to the world of the living. Drowsily she made her way to her feet, and stumbled her way into the now empty classroom, or at least what she thought to be an empty room.

Instead it was occupied by three people. Two of them who Lily really wasn't to keen on being forced into interacting with. A reality that was hurriedly becoming more and more apparent as the seconds ticked on.

"I can see I'm not here to hear about my negative behaviour in class," she said as she turned to make a beeline for the door. Her attempt was quickly halted though as another person that she had initially missed seeing stepped into her pathway, blocking the door.

"Get out of my way," she fired hotly at him, and then finished it up with, "What are you doing here?" just to feed curiosities sake.

"We were about to ask that same thing," a voice chimed in from its seat a top one of the front row desks.

"Why don't we all sit down," Professor McGonagall encouraged her students. Even she had to admit that this was one of the stranger meetings she had been a part of. Maybe it wasn't so much a meeting, but an intervention. She stood, leaning up against her large and sturdy wooden desk which sat front and centre at the front of the classroom. looking out at the young adults that stood before her she knew she was in for an unpleasant confrontation. The looks they were shooting at each other showed both the distaste for and concern that everyone was feeling for those around them.

The way they had arranged themselves also was highly representative of their positions in this matter. Charity and Rosalyn were perched together front and centre, sitting tall and proud, ready for a fight. A fight that was destined to come. James was leaned casually up against the wall, but McGonagall knew he was feeling anything but calm and collected from what he had told her the other night. His position was strategically chosen, between the desk where Lily was crouched and the door. Almost as if he were expecting her to get up and try to bolt again, and he wanted to be able to jump into action and stop her. The way Lily was sitting though, it looked like the fight was gone and the only thing she was preparing herself to do was to shut down, again. In the corner desk, huddled up to the wall, and sinking in around herself. You could almost see the thunderstorm raging just above her head.

"Okay, why don't we get started then, now that everyone is here."

Nobody made a move. No words were spoken, only feet were shuffled and hands were wrung.

"I guess I'll start us out then," McGonagall began when she saw that nobody else was going to take the lead. She had many things she wanted to reveal. Two of them were life altering and she still was unsure about how to begin, or even if she should. After all Lily really didn't have the support system required to shoulder such painful burdens. Sure Charity and Rosalyn thought they were being helpful but both McGonagall and Lily knew otherwise. Maybe the best method would be to ease into things, get a discussion going and see where that led everyone. Hopefully they'd solve some of the issues that were hot and heavy in the room.

"Actually," James held up his hand and drew himself up to his full height, no more leaning against the wall for him, "do you mind if I say something first and then I'm going to go?"

McGonagall was startled, but in a good way. She had fully expected for nobody to jump right in and voice what was on their mind. On top of that, as much as she had thought it was necessary to have James say what he needed to, it would probably cause less hostility and shutting down in the room if he wasn't there. Apparently she was about to get the best of both worlds, "Of course," she nodded in his direction, giving him his cue to begin.

James stood there awkwardly for a couple of seconds, staring at the floor, his hands, anything really except Lily and then he finally caved in and looked at her. She looked so pitiful it made him went to do more to himself than the rough mental kick he was currently giving himself. But then again, he also was doing everything in his power to restrain himself. Holding himself back from clearing the desk in a single bound and sitting down beside her, enveloping her in his arms and telling her he had been stupid. He wanted so badly to be with her, had for a huge chunk of his life. Still, days later he couldn't quite fathom why he had done what he had. Finally she had given in to him, so why had he walked away? He squared his shoulders, drew in a breath to calm himself, he could fly at daring heights and speeds, perform any prank in the book, but when it came to Lily, he was a different person. Especially now, she sure had a way of making his head spin and his heart ache.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear," he began, but the words spewed out much too quickly for anyone to fully grasp what he was saying. After another calming breath he tried again, "I can tell how uncomfortable this is making you, so I'll try and make it as quick as possible," he waited for a response, something, but he didn't receive anything. She was a stone wall in front of him.

To his right he could see McGonagall nodding encouragingly at him, willing him onwards.

"What I'm trying to say is, don't take what I said as if it were now set in stone. Things can change. Under our circumstances though that is how I see things. Don't think for a minute that my intentions have changed though. I still want the same things I've always wanted, only now I just see I can't go about getting them the way I've previously been trying. Just remember I'm still open for what may come, but right now it can't and won't happen, and not because I don't want it to. You need to come upon things naturally, and when you do then we can talk."

He didn't wait for anyone to say anything, he just picked up his bag, nodded in McGonagall's general direction to thank her for the opportunity and then he was gone. Leaving Lily very close to tears, which she was fighting desperately to control. James didn't know if he had said enough, or even said the right things but he really didn't know what else he could have come up with. Simply put, he had done everything he could have done. So why did he still feel like he had let her and even himself down?

On the other hand, Charity and Rosalyn were fighting to contain their frustration. It was just beginning to hit them that maybe they weren't as in-the-know as they had previously thought. James speech had confused them horribly. First off, why was he there in the first place if Lily had broken things off with him? Or had she not done that and that was why she was avoiding them? Secondly, why did it sound like he would still be waiting for her when her memory came back? Wasn't it apparent to him yet that he just needed to move on. He wasn't going to get the girl. On top of all of that, what had Lily actually said to him?

Lily on the other hand had understood completely what James had been trying to say. The interpretation was ringing loud and clear in beneath her skull. He loved her, sure he had said it before but there was just something about the way he had worded it that had made it seem that much more real. It was because of that love that he was avoiding her. It was a terrible concept to choke down when one really thought of it. If he really loved her, why did he walk away? The truth was now becoming more clear to her. He didn't want her love to be fake. He felt like he deserved to be loved, fully by someone who was unconditionally in love with him, exactly the way he was about her. He didn't want her just settling for him. He simply loved her to much to allow that.

They were just going to pile it onto her it appeared, because the two girls suddenly turned and prepared to fire. Having recomposed themselves after the shock they had just received.

"All we wanted to tell you Lily was that you mean so much to us," Rosalyn began.

"And with that being said we want the best for you, but with everything that's going on we're having a hard time differentiating between what's best for you and what's best for us."

That was the point when Lily regained her voice. The control of her vocal cords, but also the power of speech and the will to fight, "Wait," she sat up a little bit straighter, "just answer me this will you. What happens if I don't get my entire memory back..."

She didn't have time to finish her though because she was rather rudely interrupted by Charity, "Don't say things like that, of course you'll get it back. You have to think positive."

Lily threw up her hands in disgust and let her have it, "I'm so tired of this let's think positive and it'll happen business. So far that hasn't exactly been working out very well. I prefer to think more realistically. What if it doesn't come back? That's not saying I don't want it to come, or I'm not trying to get it back, it's just saying realistically what is the plan if I'm like this forever? This is me, I'm Lily and you can't keep telling me what Lily would do or that I'm not her. Because if I don't get everything back this is who I'm going to be. Sure maybe my old self would be loosing sleep over how I've been handling things but this is me now. Who knows, maybe you didn't know the old me as well as you thought you did. Maybe I still think the same things, but I no longer cover them up because they wouldn't be appropriate for the life I'd spun for myself. Get used to it, because I'm still Lily and personally I don't think someone's personality can change as much as you are saying mine has. Get used to who I am, because I might not be going anywhere, and you know what, I don't think I really want to go anywhere. I like who this person is. If you can't accept that, well take it or leave it."

The sudden end to her rant caused a deafening silence to overtake the occupants of the room. Eventually McGonagall took over the reigns and tried to steer towards another touchy subject. It was rather apparent that Charity and Rosalyn were at a complete loss for words. Maybe it had finally hit them that what they thought was best for Lily maybe wasn't quite the same as what Lily thought was best for Lily. Then again, maybe it was, but who was going to say that two people, even if they had the best intentions in mind knew what was best for another person.

McGonagall on the other hand was seeing beyond the words. Lily was beginning to figure things out, things her two girlfriends didn't know about her and only her Professor did. Maybe McGonagall wouldn't have to break it to her, she'd come upon it on her own.

"Lily, what I brought you here to talk about," McGonagall dove right in, there was no more point anymore in delaying, "What I mean is, usually for someone that is in your situation we'd usually send the person away from the castle for awhile."

So she wasn't the first one the school had dealt with, that was in her situation.

"We find that being with family usually returns some of the safety and comfort with life that I fear you aren't getting here."

Wait, did McGonagall just say she was going to send her to be with her family?

"I just wanted to know if that was something you were interested in doing? If you were interested I would have to get in contact with your sister and see about making some arrangements. What I'm trying to say is, you wouldn't be out of here tonight, but in time you could get away from Hogwarts for a little bit."

Her sister, what about her parents?

"Professor?" Lily muttered rather quietly, once again she was retreating at a rapid rate back into her shell. The protection it would offer her though was still questionable.

"Yes?"

"Please be frank with me, what happened to my parents?"

There it was, the revelation McGonagall had been treading so carefully around, trying to avoid, trying to pick the best time to bring it up. It appeared though that time had taken control away from her and thrust the touchy matter right into the forefront.

"Please tell me?"

xxx

a/n I apologize that it is now Sunday instead of Friday "update day." Last week has been named Hells Week, and then my parents were in town for the weekend so I really didn't have a chance to get this chapter transferred onto the computer. I hope it was worth the wait though and that you did enjoy it. As always, please let me know anything you thought of it. Thanks to everyone that let me know their feelings about the last chapter, you guys are great. Cheers.

a/n #2 : Sorry guys, I didn't forget about you. I've been trying desperately for two weeks to update but fanfic wouldn't let me.


	11. Voices Inside My Head

"My parents?" she couldn't control the crack in her voice. If one were to look at Lily's face, they would see the pleading eyes of a helpless child staring back at them. Asking, no, begging for them to lead the way in getting out of the swirling nightmare that by themselves there were unable to navigate away from.

The question everyone else in the room was thinking to themselves was, how were you supposed to break such awful news to someone? Twice now McGonagall would have to be the one to inform Lily that her parents were gone, murdered by a psychopath that could only be called He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The first time McGonagall had been sidled with the duty had resulted in it being a downright awful experience. One in which she had hoped she would never have to repeat again with anyone. As the unrest in the Wizarding World had started to increase exponentially, it was becoming more and more apparent that by the time it was all over-because it had to end at some point-she was going to be a skilled professional at informing next of kin about the demise of their loved ones. While in the months since McGonagall had been faced with the Evans family deaths, she had unfortunately had to tell two other students that someone they loved was not going to be there to pick them up come break time at King's Cross Station.

In a way it had become easier. In other ways, it was just as horrible as the first time when she had had to sit Lily down. For the other individuals she found she could detach herself, present the situation with an open mind, but with Lily it was different. She was too attached to the poor girl it would seem.

Throughout the room a chill had fallen, only amplifying the distance and coldness that everyone was feeling towards the others in the room.

Lily was waiting patiently. As much as she wanted to hear what the Professor had to say, because there was always that little hope that her fears were wrong, she really didn't want to be told that her worst fears were correct. The longer it wasn't confirmed, the longer she could go on telling herself that her parents were just out of the country and unable to take her in to help her recovery.

Alas, ignorant bliss could only hold out so long. McGonagall leaned forward and Lily knew it was coming. She sucked in her breath and prepared herself. Not that it would do much good.

"I'm sure by now you have realized something isn't quite normal with your situation. Of course here at Hogwarts we try our best to allow students their freedom from parental intrusion. That being said, when a student is severely injured we do notify the parents and allow them to come here to be with their child. Even if the parents are muggles we still notify them, although it becomes increasingly more complex if they want to come here to sit with the child."

For Lily the way this was turning out appeared as if it was almost possible that things could take a spin for the better. Wasn't what McGonagall trying to say was that muggles couldn't come to the castle. That could account for the reasons why her parents didn't come running when they heard their child was injured. That hope was quickly shot down however by McGonagall's next sentence.

"As such, I assume you've realized that you are in fact muggle-born and you've also probably realized something wasn't normal with your family situation. I also assume you have been hinted into remembering the disasters our world is currently facing..."

"Just tell me, please, are my parents dead?"

"Several months..."

"Yes or no, just a simple yes or no is all I want. Are my parents dead?"

McGonagall hesitated at first, fighting the words that she knew she was going to have to say eventually. It didn't matter how much she tried she couldn't change the horrible reality that was unfolding before every wizard and witches eyes. People were dying, at alarming rates and nobody had any idea how to stop it. All she knew at that point was that she simply couldn't think anymore, she just had to do. With Lily it was never going to get any easier. She just had to get it over with.

"Yes."

There were no shrieks of despair as there had been the last time, there was also no crumbling of limbs into a fetal position. To tuck oneself away from the horrible elements for protection. The only reaction that was evident was the sudden falling of Lily's face and the slight nod that proved she had in fact heard and interpreted correctly the information that had been presented to her. The tears weren't completely lost though, for Charity and Rosalyn's cheeks were glowing as they made up for Lily's lack of reaction. The tears were flowing freely down their cheeks at an alarming rate. Staining their pathway down the curves of the two girls faces. Lily had prepared herself for the news, but her friends were reliving the horrible moment when they themselves had first learned of the deaths of Lily's parents. Then the days and weeks that had followed had almost been worse than the initial moment. They had prayed that they'd never have to deal with such an event ever again, but here they were. Once again they were breaking the news to their helpless friend.

Lily took it all in stride, but she hurriedly changed the subject back to the matter that they had been dealing with before, "If I remember correctly, my sister and I don't really see eye to eye. I don't really believe I'd be welcome to stay with her, let alone get into contact with her," she chose her words carefully and she spoke each one with great purpose in a slow yet forceful manner. She had to prove that yes she was ill, but that didn't make her an invalid. Sure she couldn't remember anything about herself, but she still had to exert some control over her knew life. If only for the day that she was on her own, out of school and without any family or memory and she had to take care of herself. Act like you know stuff, be confident and forceful and people will think you are normal.

The relationship that Lily had going on with her sister, or lack thereof, really mystified Charity. She was unable to comprehend how two sisters could hate each other so much. Sure sisters weren't supposed to love each other ever minute of every day, Merlin knows that if anyone were to have their off days, it would be two sisters. That being said, to unconditionally hate each other was especially hard to conceive of considering Charity worshipped her sister who was two years her senior.

It had been extremely difficult for Charity when her sister, Melinda had finished school and moved on to begin her life. For as long as long as Charity had been alive they had been virtually inseparable. The only thing that had managed to tear them apart was when Melinda received her Hogwarts letter and Charity still had to wait two more dreadful years. Then again, Melinda and Charity had always had things working in their favour. Who knew, if they had the deep lines separating them that Lily and her sister had, maybe they would have had their difficulties too. For Charity who was from a pureblooded family, those lines had never been a possibility. Melinda and Charity had always been equals. In the eyes of their parents, of Hogwarts and of each other. Something that Lily and Petunia were not.

Something that she had often thought, but would never voice to anyone for fear of alienating her friends was that as much as Lily complained about how bad her sister was, she never stopped to realize how difficult she was actually making things. Yes, maybe her sister had started it, but Lily had only ever managed to add more fuel to the flames. Not once had she tried to resolve the differences. Whenever that topic had been hinted at she would quickly stand up and state that there was no use trying, her sister was just too far gone, then she'd storm away in a huff. It was at those times that she lived up to the stereotype of redheads being temperamental and hot headed.

Rosalyn had a quite different background, but it still led her to the same conclusion as did Charity's. Like Charity, Rosalyn really couldn't relate to the exact situation Lily was dealing with. She was an only child, or at least she currently was. She too had, had an older sister, but tragically she had died in early infancy, before Rosalyn was even born. Therefore, having grown up her entire life knowing she almost had a sister was very straining. She simply couldn't understand what could be bad enough to keep two sisters from speaking. It was insane to her to think people willingly separated themselves from their family, when they still had family. Ross would give anything to have her sister back, and here Lily was, not speaking to hers. It was really difficult for Rosalyn to process some days.

After Lily's parents deaths, Ross had searched for the good in it. That was the type of person she was. In her eyes, everything that happened, happened for a reason. You just had to look hard enough, peel back a couple of layers and you'd come up with the good things. What Rosalyn had come up with for the situation at hand was that maybe it would be enough to bring the two Evans girls towards a reconciliation. It had to be the key to breaking the deadlock, and if it wasn't, there really was no point in hoping for a miracle to occur one spring morning. If anything could mend peoples differences, it was the harsh reality about how unstable and precious life really was. Alas that had not been enough to push the estranged girls back together. Much to her friend's dismay, the aftermath of the deaths had actually pushed the two girls farther apart if that was even possible.

The reason for that was Petunia blamed Lily, citing that if Lily wasn't who she was, then their parents would never have been targeted. Many hurtful words later and the two girls were demanding separate funerals. One after another so they didn't have to be anywhere near each other. That was when it was a good thing McGonagall had been helping out with arrangements. She had put her foot down and told Lily and Petunia that their parents were dead and regardless of what the girls thought of each other, their parents loved them both very much and it would have hurt them terribly to see them so divided. While the speech had resulted in only one funeral, Lily and Petunia sat at opposite sides of the church and never spoke to each other again.

With all that in the back of Charity and Rosalyn's minds, it really came as no shock to them to hear what Lily had to say in regard to moving in with her sister. They were honestly surprised that McGonagall had even suggested it.

"I guess I'll be returning to my dorm then if we're done here?" Lily said as she made a motion to stand up.

"Thank you girls," McGonagall dismissed Charity and Rosalyn, but stopped Lily on her way towards the door, "I have one more question for you, if you don't mind?"

"What's one more?" Lily mumbled unhappily, but she settled back in.

Once the two friends had closed the door behind them, McGonagall stepped closer to Lily. She placed her left hand down gently on the desk top in front of her student, while the other hung lifelessly at her side.

"Was there something else you wanted to tell me?" McGonagall hinted.

"Not that I can think of," Lily swallowed. There was actually many things, but she wasn't going to just bring up any of them at random. If they happened to not be what McGonagall had been thinking of, she would be in for more than just one more unpleasant question.

"Madame Pomfrey commented to me that you were having some interesting side effects from the accident."

"Like what?" Lily had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what was about to be revealed and she was not looking forward to it. Then again, maybe it wasn't what she was thinking. Upon further contemplation she realized how guilty she must be feeling to have jumped to the worst thing that she was hiding. There was no way the matron could have known about that secret. She had taken special care to keep it specifically away from the prying eyes of Madame Pomfrey.

"Just that you've been having some interesting insights into one individuals mind. Care to enlighten me a little bit to that situation?"

Oh, here we go again. She could avoid it though, for the time being. All she had to do was claim that she needed time to process what had happened with her parents and then she'd be free of any further questioning, at least for the night. That was where she had no solution, tomorrow would come and she'd still have to deal with it then. On top of it all, would also be the build up towards it which was guaranteed to be filled with dread. No, it was better off to get it out of the way.

If she really thought about it as well, McGonagall had really not been anything but caring towards her. Maybe she would have a solution to this unusual predicament that Lily had found herself in. With luck she could get support and advice without the embarrassment and ridicule that others would likely give her.

Lily sat up a little bit straighter and gave herself the go ahead, "What I say doesn't leave this room right?"

McGonagall nodded, not to quickly like she was trying to persuade herself, or to slowly like she was having a hard time making up her mind. It was assertive and Lily liked that, "Of course you don't remember before your accident, but strict confidence has always been held between us and I have no desire to see that changed now."

That comment brought Lily's emotions once more to the forefront of her attention, "Thank you," she whispered as she quickly swiped a tear that was building away, "it really does appear as if I have nobody left. My parents are gone, my sister might as well be and then I thought James was here to help me and then he too vanishes. Thank you."

"You're not alone Lily," McGonagall rounded the desk and sat down on the edge of the bench beside Lily. In the process she picked up Lily's cool hand and clasped it between her own and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance, "Nobody is ever truly alone. There is always somebody out there, somewhere who will be there when you need them."

It was a tender moment between them, and it was almost hard to imagine the awkward events and terrible revelations that had just so recently happened.

"Can I ask you how you know about...about my...condition? I thought I did well at hiding it."

"Oh, by all means you did a superb job at keeping it hidden away. It was more just a hunch Madame Pomfrey had. She could tell you were fighting something and she knew that it was worse every time Potter entered the Hospital Wing. You confirmed her suspicions at night after Potter left and in your restless slumber you kept mumbling about a voice. At first you begged it to go away, then you decided to harness its power and began begging for it to give you answers."

"She...she knew about Ja...Potter?"

McGonagall smiled and a slight chuckle managed to escape her usually tight lips. Yes, her stern demeanour could be broken.

"Of course she knew about him. Nothing really gets by her, the dear that she is."

"But why didn't she stop him coming in then. Nobody else was allowed near me, so why him?"

"Ah, well that's where I have a little confession to make. You see, Poppy...Madame Pomfrey and I had a slight arrangement going on. While you are correct in your assumption that she didn't want anyone to see you, I felt that you would never progress in your recovery if you were left to wallow in your bed sheets. So, of course I decided you needed a link to the outside world. Of course the first night he was sneaking around all on his own. It was after that, when Madame Pomfrey came to discuss with me about controlling my students a bit better, that I came up with the idea. I have to say, she was rather reluctant to turn a blind eye, but as you know, she did."

"But why Potter, if I so blatantly hate him?"

"I think that's best kept for another day."

_Grr_, the groan of frustration escaped Lily's lips before she could stop it. Here the Professor was saying she was there to help her, but she wouldn't answer any of her questions. If only she knew how frustrating this all was. Of course not knowing anything had been tough, but where she was now, almost hanging in limbo was by far much worse. It was almost like you were told the sky was blue, having never seen the sky before. Of course, before that statement was issued you would never have had any desire to look at the sky, but later upon hearing something about it, you'd make it your mission to escape your box that trapped you inside with no windows or doors, just so you could see what the sky is blue actually meant. Basically the pieces were all there, but the picture on them was missing. Making it almost impossible to rearrange them back into their rightful places.

"What I can tell you however, is that Potter was a perfect man for the job because he cares so unconditionally for you and would do anything to see you get better."

"A lot that's done for us recently," she huffed.

"Why don't we talk about the...ah..." McGonagall searched helplessly in her vocabulary for the correct word, but she came up empty handed. This typically wasn't her area of expertise.

"The voice," Lily offered unenthusiastically.

"Yes, that's correct."

"What do you want to know about it?" it was almost easier to head off the questions before they came. That way Lily held a little bit of control of the situation. Of course it was starting to feel slightly like a session a mentally ill person would have with a shrink and that sort of bothered Lily. She never thought she was mentally ill, she wasn't the type of person to talk about her feelings at random occasions either. Then again, she was hearing voices so the claim that she was mentally stable was rapidly being broken down before her very eyes.

"Tell me anything you want," she was trying to be as inviting to talk to as possible. It would not do anyone any good if she pressed to hard and sent Lily running away like her friends had done, creating a scared, helpless individual.

"Well, then, with that being said," and then Lily began to recount the whole tale. Much to the surprise and satisfaction of Professor McGonagall who had been expecting some half hearted made up story that made everything seem like it was peachy.

Lily explained how the voice got clearer, how it was only present when Potter was present, how she realized that and anything else she could think of. By the time she got going on her story it was just easier for her to let it all out in hopes that when she finished McGonagall would be able to present her with an answer as to why she was hearing voices, or actually a single voice, James Potter's thoughts.

Much to her frustration, she was not handed an answer on a shiny silver platter when she finished. Instead, McGonagall sat there with a slightly shocked look on her face would could easily have rivalled Lily's parent's expression when they found out their daughter was of magical blood.

"That really is most peculiar," she muttered almost to herself.

Lily felt dejected. It had been her one and only hope for answers, but she had come up empty handed.

"I don't have an answer to anything right away. I'll have to look into some things, talk to some people who may have come into contact with such a thing. It typically isn't my area of expertise but I'll give it a whirl and see what I come up with. All I can say is that you can look at this two ways. As a punishment that you have to hear somebody's inner most thoughts or as a gift. Now I'm not encouraging you take advantage of this situation or anything, I'm just saying to look for the positives in an unusual situation."

"I thought you said that everything was in strict confidence?" Lily had zeroed in on McGonagall's comment about searching around for information, and she wasn't so keen on having the entire wizarding world knowing she could hear her enemy, crush, no ex's, whatever he was, thoughts. On the other hand, McGonagall had hinted that she should take advantage of her power and ultimately harness it. That could prove to be interesting.

"Yes, of course I can keep this confidential and look into it in the literature but I feel my best opportunity for finding an answer quickly would be to discuss it with my colleagues and some acquaintances that are more experienced in this sort of matter. That is if I have your permission to do so. Otherwise I'll see what I can do on my own if you would prefer that."

Lily contemplated her options for a minute. Of course she could come to use the voice to her advantage, but really she didn't know how long it would take to train herself to be able to do that. Currently she only heard titbits of information. It was more like an old radio that was coming in very fuzzy. Sure some words came in loud and clear, but the vast majority were so scrambled it would make your head spin if you tried to focus on them. That was why she was debating with herself just about every time she was near Potter whether she should just block out the voice which she was completely capable of doing, but it required a lot of mental thought and energy, or to try get something out of it. The same dilemma was posed in front of her now too it seemed. Only this time it was on a much larger scale. She could be rid of the voice forever, or deal with it and learn to utilize it.

It became apparent that she really didn't need to make that decision right away. McGonagall was only offering a fact finding mission, nothing more. Of course if a solution was found, she could decide then what she wanted to do. It never hurt to know more and so that was why she said, "You have my permission, but please just keep it as low key as possible."

"I understand completely and I will see to that," McGonagall knew just how much trust Lily was putting in her, and not just based on that one decision, "was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

Lily sat in silence for a few moments as she mulled over her options. Of course there were many other things to talk about, some of them more pressing than others, but the majority of them could wait until a later date. It was pretty much dinner time and according to Lily's stomach which had just begun to growl, she was rather hungry. Apparently all the soul searching she had been doing had taken a lot out of her.

"I think I'm good for right now but if I..."

"Anytime, you know where to find me."

"Thank you Professor," Lily said and she meant it with all her heart. This was the person that was there for her when nobody else was and who listened to her without passing judgement, blame or opinions. It was refreshing, considering Lily had been dealing with Charity, Ross and James in the recent past.

"Now I think it's time you head down to the Great Hall, according to your stomach."

"I was thinking the very same thing Professor."

They awkwardly went their separate ways after that, but both knew full well that it wouldn't be long before they found themselves together again.

Lily did as her stomach had instructed her to do, she headed towards the food. Whereas McGonagall began to make good on her promise to come up with some answers for Lily. Her first stop was not the office of the matron or even the librarian. It was the Headmaster's Office. Of course anyone with any problem beyond their capabilities went directly to Dumbledore, because the odds were good that in his one hundred plus years he had seen or handled such a situation before. McGonagall hoped Lily's case would not be the exception to that rule.

xxx

a/n I admit the first part was not very well written or entertaining in the least, but I hope you felt that the rest redeemed itself, and be warned, you're about to see some changes ahead. As always, please keep up your wonderful reviews. Especially because it's my Birthday today and the best gift would be everyone reviewing this story. Cheers.


	12. A Little Help From My Friends

Bells, were jingling, far off in the distance. It sounded like they were being muffled by something. What exactly, she didn't know, and her eyelids were still too heavy for her to really care. Her body was gently swaying. Back and forth, back and forth it gently rocked her back to sleep. It felt like the first restful sleep she had had in ages. Something was different about it, but again she couldn't place exactly what that was.

The next time her body pulled itself out of its slumber was in the response to a new addition to the bells. Now, singing had been added to the mix. It was a jolly sounding tune. All upbeat and it appeared that those involved were more keen on having a good time than actually singing the proper words associated with the correct tune. It didn't matter however, because the atmosphere was great, or a least it appeared to be from Lily's delirium. Maybe if she weren't so tired she'd get up and join in with whoever it was.

When she woke up the next time, it was not to a pleasant surprise. Instead she realized she was not in fact in her four poster bed in the Gryffindor girls dormitory. Instead she was sprawled out on one of the benches in the compartment of a train that was rapidly speeding across the gloomy countryside. It took for Lily to crank her neck to the far left to see what had awoken her enough to force her to open her eyes. Her eyes met up with a pair of eyes on the other side of the window that made up the upper half of the door to the compartment she was currently occupying. Just about as suddenly as they had made eye contact, both of them quickly pulled their eyes away. Down, to the side, anywhere was really fine as long as they weren't looking at each other. A mixture of shame, guilt, pain and sadness suddenly overwhelmed Lily, but before she had time to process anything a commotion on her left side caught her attention.

There were two other people sitting with her, across from her on the opposite bench they sat perched and they were talking to each other, or so it appeared. Actually it was rather strange if one wasn't schooled in the fine art of their secret society. Luckily enough for Lily, she was an insider on the situation and because of that she quickly jumped to the conclusion that the two girls opposite her had cast a silencing charm around them that had blocked any sound from entering their bubble, and no sound could escape as well. It was a rather useful tool to put to use when one wanted to hold a private conversation in a crowded area.

By that point Lily was fully awake and knew that she wasn't going to be going back to sleep anytime soon and so she decided the only way to catch the other girls' attention was to move. Quickly she sat up, but almost just as quickly she regretted it as her head began to spin and her eyes blacked over, save for a few well placed white bursts of light. Reflexively she clutched her head and held it, almost as if she was somehow trying to hold herself steady. Eventually the feeling subsided and she vowed to remember not to sit up so quickly again.

Her movement had done its job though. Suddenly, sound re-engulfed the small compartment, "Welcome back, did you have a good sleep?"

"Ahh," Lily's mouth hung open rather unattractively and her mind failed her for several seconds, "no, yes, I guess, oh I don't know," even when she was able to again formulate words, they weren't very intelligent. Maybe she would have been best to keep her mouth closed.

"What's wrong, you look like you've just seen a ghost?" Rosalyn chuckled. As every good wizard or witch knew, that saying that was so common in the muggle world held little value in the wizarding world. On the other hand, maybe it held more value because they knew ghosts actually existed. Whatever the case, it didn't help Lily's mood. Now sitting up properly with her back against the backrest and feet on the ground she couldn't help but feel the emotions threaten to take over her once again.

In the weeks since her friends, McGonagall and...Potter had planned the intervention she had progressed mentally rather slowly. Her relationships with those around her had done quite the opposite. At least some of her relationships had begun to change, where in fact the one she was hoping to see the most development was still lying stagnant and forgotten. Sure, everything wasn't all fine and dandy between Lily, Rosalyn and Charity, but things were definitely better. That was all anybody could ask for really wasn't it? It was an improvement after all. They were heading in the right direction. It would just take more time. Something that they had a lot of over the next fortnight.

At first Lily had been reluctant to allow anybody in, except for McGonagall. As time wore on, it became more and more apparent that what she was doing was not benefiting herself or anybody for that matter in the long run, or the present. It was with that thought that Lily took her first tentative step towards reconciliation. After all, all she had to tell herself was that they meant well. How could you fault somebody for trying to take care of their friend? It really hadn't been as easy as it sounded, even with that mantra repeating itself over and over again in Lily's mind as she stepped towards a new opinion on those around her.

Her friends had been eager, too eager actually to return to the way things had been. It had taken much convincing on Lily's part that they could never go back to where they had been. She wasn't the same person after all. Eventually Lily had them locked into a plan that would allow her to gradually rebuild their trust. After all James had had to do the same thing when he met her in the Hospital Wing. When Lily finally explained to them in an exasperated tone that she simply couldn't jump back into the friendship they told her they had, because to her, they were new friends. New people in her life that had to gain her trust before she spilled her deepest and darkest secrets to them

It had taken a few good jabs at the subject and several different angles of explaining before Charity and Rosalyn had finally caved in and in tears nodded that they finally understood. That had begun the rebuilding process of their friendship.

Much to Lily's delight things were progressing rather smoothly. Well, at least compared to all the other things in her life this was smooth. That was then the reason why Lily had found herself sitting in a compartment with the two girls on the Hogwarts Express as the trains made its way south towards the heart of London and King's Cross Station. The place where it would ultimately place the teens and preteens aboard it in the overjoyed hands of their parents, who would nurture them with food and gifts for the two week break and then deposit them back on the train towards their education when the holidays ended.

The holiday season, well that explained the singing and the bells out in the corridor, and the glowing light show that had suddenly exploded beyond the window. All three girls suddenly jumped up and drew their wands and Charity at the forefront threw open the door. It slid back on its rails and came to a stop only after all three girls had excited the enclosed space. They weren't alone in their inquires. Heads were poking out of compartments all up and down the carriage. Everyone was wondering what had caused the colourful array of lights, because the question of who was behind it was always obvious. It happened, just when every last door had slid open. All of a sudden boxes were flying from every which way, and they were going directly towards specific targets. Every so often a pair would collide in mid air and crumple to the ground where they would then splutter for a few seconds before hopping back up into the air and zooming off again. Screams mixed with laughter filled up the enclosed space and it wasn't obvious if one should be scared of the flying debris or laugh at the humour in it.

For Lily, of course things could never be easy. Some saying about if anything could go wrong it would, should have become Lily's motto in life because just as she was trying to duck out of the way of a shiny gold wrapped package that was hurtling towards her, she inadvertently stepped right into the path of a box that was wrapped in a beautiful green wrappings. The package smacked right into her head with so much force it sent her reeling backwards. With a loud oomph, she collided with poor Rosalyn who had been standing to close for her own good. Both girls fell to the ground in a heap. Unluckily for Rosalyn, she was on the bottom. Before Lily had time to react and jump back to her feet, she felt herself being pulled back up into a vertical standing position.

"Okay everyone, that's it. Enjoy your gifts. Now back to your compartments," a voice bellowed angrily, cutting through the excited chatter of all the students. Nice, who would be awful enough to break up such a wonderful event Lily thought, but then she realized whose voice it was, and who she was standing next to for that matter.

"My deepest apologizes m'lady," the person who had helped her back to her feet said in a beautifully historic drawl. He didn't get any further words out however because all of a sudden shrieks engulfed them once again. The three girls questions about what had caused the shrieks of surprise were quickly answered when the three boxes that were laying at their feet suddenly began to tremble as if they were giving one last effort to try and summon up all of their energy, and then suddenly they exploded. White and red and green confetti was sent flying in all directions and all Lily could do was duck. Unfortunately the person who she took cover behind was all to eager to provide her shelter.

When the debris had finally settled Lily found herself huddled up next to one of the most attractive boys in her year.

"Sirius Black and James Potter, what do you think you guys are doing? You just nailed Lily in the head and after what you did to her the first time, you would have though you had learned your lesson. This is just what she needs when she's already struggling to remember things," Charity ranted without even thinking about what she was spewing out.

Lily didn't miss what was being said and she zeroed in on one key piece. Again! This had happened before it appeared, and it was a pretty safe bet that the pranksters standing before her had been the reasons she was in the situation she was in. Things had been hinting towards that reality for awhile, but Charity's words had pretty much confirmed it. Lily saw it as an opportunity despite everything else that was unfolding.

"What happened?" she meekly asked in a soft voice. Her right hand reached out and she the person that was beside her a little bit closer, "and who are you?"

Sirius Black stared down at Lily and the fear was evident in his eyes and across his face. That was when Lily really began to enjoy it and as a result she played it up. She liked Black, in a I can't stand him sort of way. Yes, that made little sense but Lily justified its strangeness by saying that one would actually miss Black if he was not there. Even though that truth would never have been admitted out loud. He was a fun guy after all, and at the moment, Lily's only tool that she could use to play James. She was tired of all the boring and mundane events of her life. Out with the depressing and in with eventful and Black would be just the person for that.

Lily saw James out of the corner of her eye and his jaw was almost on the ground and he looked absolutely terrified. Charity and Rosalyn were no different for that matter.

"What's wrong?" Lily quickly whipped her head around.

"Ah, Lily?"

"Who?" Lily had to fight back the grin, "I don't know who this Lily is that you're talking about," she then reached for Black and pulled him quite a bit closer and only then did she say, "but I sure would like to get to know you a little better."

Lily had to give at that point because one of her friends, she didn't know which one, had grabbed her from behind and in order to stop from being violently dragged away she threw up her hands in order to signal her surrendering.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I had to do it," she cried out, "the situation was positively begging for it. Next time Black, for future reference, try to not hit the girl with amnesia in the head. Just a suggestion."

Before Lily could get another word in edgewise the door at the end of the carriage had slammed closed and Potter was gone. To top it off, she had also received some angry glares from her friends, who finally had to give in and laugh.

"So what was that you were talking about before," Black said cockily. Typical, he could never pass up the opportunity to hit on anything that moved.

"In your dreams Black," Lily replied venomously.

"Oh well, they sure are lovely dreams."

With those as their final words to each other, both turned and stomped rather childishly away. Once Lily made it back to her seat, and the compartment door was closed and the curtain drawn this time she let her mind wander.

Charity and Rosalyn tried to interrupt her thoughts a couple of times, but both times resulted in Lily holding up a silencing hand and shaking her head before she returned to her peaceful exclusion. It was there that she dealt with all the things that she was not ready to let Charity and Ross in on. Sure they had resolved some differences, but there were still many matters that were best kept quite. Lily's ever growing feelings about Potter for instance.

They had been avoiding each other for weeks. It had been a rather unpleasant experience Lily had to admit. Even when they did end up running into each other it was always a rather awkward and brief encounter. Whether that was good or bad, well she didn't really know. Yes, she yearned to spend time with him, but not if she couldn't have him. It even surprised some days how hard and fast she was falling.

On another note however, was the incident she had just partaken in. Poor Potter, the way he had ran away was heartbreaking. Poor Black, what was she actually feeling sorry for him? Oh man, it was those adorable puppy dog eyes that did her in. Along with about 95 percent of the female student body of Hogwarts and a few Professors for that matter, but that was just rumour.

Sirius Black, the other half to James Potter and the guy that every girl wanted to get with and every guy wanted to be. Lily would be lying to herself if she pretended she hadn't fancied Black off and on for a little while. It was a silly crush that she would never ever admit to anyone, and a memory that she would have preferred had stayed hidden away in her mind. Wiped away with her amnesia. Alas it didn't seem to work that way. All the useless and embarrassing knowledge was what came back to Lily first, while the stuff that she was desperately seeking kept burying itself deeper and deeper in her mind.

She couldn't really blame herself for fancying Black, after all he was absolutely adorable, a genius although not when it came to writing a test and just so darn funny and loveable. Then why was her heart set on Potter? Sure he was the other half of Black. One without the other would be pointless. They came as a package of two and that was that. Take it or leave it. So why Potter? What was so special about him? Just as every girl in the schooling was pining for Black, they were also harbouring a secret crush for James Potter. The difference was, Black took advantage of everyone's feelings for him, whereas Potter had a strict moral policy against dating anyone other than herself. Merlin forbid he would never find himself in the midst of a one night stand. Something that his friend was notorious for doing.

Yes, Black was the playboy and the sex god at Hogwarts, but Potter was the heartbreaker. While Black had reduced many girls to tears because of his attitude, Potter had done so because he failed to see any other girl except his dream girl. So why was he running away from her now then and why couldn't she remember such a simple little thing, why she appeared to hate him?

Before Lily knew it, the train began to slow down as they neared King's Cross Station. Somehow she had escaped any form of interrogation throughout the entire journey. For some gut wrenching reason, she didn't believe that her silence would be accepted for much longer.

Once the girls had made it to the platform, with their trunks dragging awkwardly behind them they said their good byes. Ross was going on her family's annual Christmas Holiday Extravaganza. Every year the Matoe family packed up and went somewhere new. No gifts were exchanged, just good times. It had been strange for Lily because she was so used to celebrating Christmas at home with family and friends with the traditional tree and meals. Charity as well had been ingrained into the typical traditions of the holiday season. That didn't stop Rosalyn though who said as much as she loved her friends, she had spent every waking minute with them for the past three and a half months, surely they needed some time apart.

It was because of Rosalyn's strange Christmas habits that Lily and Charity bade their spiky haired friend good bye. With a sharp salute in their general direction, Ross disappeared into the crowd, leaving Charity and Lily to fend for themselves.

"I seriously hate her," Charity grumbled as she lugged her trunk behind her. It kept bouncing off her ankles after every step, but there was nothing she could do to stop it, "Stupid October Birthday, and poor Charity has to wait another eight months to become legal."

"And you've already started counting down haven't you?" Lily chuckled, for she knew what Charity was going through. It had been hard to see Rosalyn whip out her wand and move her trunk by magic off the train. Something that Lily would be unable to do yet.

"You've got that right, come on let's go."

Strangely enough, the platform had suddenly become quite empty. What had just been a bubbling vat of energy had almost instantly died down to a quiet simmer.

Charity set off across the platform and Lily diligently followed behind her. In all honesty, she actually didn't know where they were going. It had been about a week before when Charity had marched into their dorm waving a crumpled scroll of parchment. She had then declared that Lily was coming home with her for the holidays. That had been a sort of relief for Lily to hear. She had actually been dreading the holidays. Ross had not stopped talking about her upcoming adventures to some foreign land that Lily hadn't even heard of let alone could pronounce, and Charity was going off to spend good quality family time with her relatives. Both situations were ones that Lily didn't want to invoke her presence into for she felt like she wouldn't be welcome in either place. Especially when she was still working on her relationship with her friends. Ultimately, she had just told herself that at least Hogwarts allowed them to stay through the holidays if they had nowhere else to go, unlike the summer break where they were forced into going somewhere other than the castle.

Now a week later, Lily realized that she really didn't know who she was going to be spending the next fortnight with. She got her answers pretty quickly though because Charity suddenly dropped her trunk and raced over to a group of people that were huddled under a stone arch.

"Melinda," she cried as she ran over to what had to be her sister.

Lily stood off in the background simply observing, not saying anything. Seeing these people hadn't jogged her memory, she couldn't remember Charity's parents names, or what they did, or anything really about them. She only knew what Charity or Ross had told her in the last week which really wasn't all that much.

"It's good to see you again Lily," what had to be Charity's mum stepped away from the family reunion and walked towards their house guest.

"Thanks for having me," Lily murmured quietly. It was not going to be easy it appeared, nothing ever could be for her. Not only were her parents gone but so was her family. She would not have this sort of reunion ever again, at least not with her own relatives. As much as she had been fighting her loneliness, it suddenly began to surface and try to take over her emotions. Reality was finally setting in. This would be her first of many Christmas' without her family.

"Oh dear, of course," the woman looked almost identical to Charity-it was rather freaky really-stepped forward and embraced Lily. After they separated Lily took a good look at the people who would be her adoptive family for the season.

Charity's dad was a big burly Englishman. It was her mum where she got her stunning Brazilian looks and accent. Charity had grown up in Brazil. Her dad had been on business or maybe vacation or something like that in Brazil when he had fallen for a woman there. He packed up and moved there and they raised two daughters before he moved his family back to England, citing that he had attended Hogwarts as a boy, and he wanted his children to do the same. Just as every generation of his family had for centuries. Charity's mum had been unable to argue with that and so she left her native country and move across the globe.

It was an odd relationship really. Both parents were purebloods, wealthy and high up in society, but where things got tricky was the typical English wizards aristocratic opinion that everyone had to look like them and speak like them to be of their blood type. It really was a first of its kind pairing. Usually a wealthy man of society married a daughter of a wealthy man of society and that was that. That was why everyone had assumed when Charity had come to Hogwarts that she was muggleborn, or at least a half blood. It had taken some time and a lot of persuading for people to realize that there were pure wizarding societies outside of England. It was a hard pill for some. That was where Lily's knowledge about Charity's family ended.

Those thoughts carried Lily all the way to the home where she would be resting her head for the next several nights. They were seated comfortably in a ministry car driving through the countryside when suddenly the car began to slow.

"You live here?" Lily exclaimed rather loudly. The first words to come out of her mouth at full volume in a while

Charity's family's heads all spun around quickly to look at their guest, and Lily went beet red.

"I'm sorry, I don't know where my manners went," she apologized more timidly this time.

"No, that's all right. We'd just forgotten about what Charity had explained to us. I guess you really don't remember coming here before?" Charity's dad explained.

Lily realized she really needed to figure out what the parents names were, otherwise she would be forced pretty quickly into simply calling them mum and dad as Charity did.

"I've been here before, surely I would have remembered it. I've remembered everything that is not a major meaningful event in my life by now," so what was stopping her then from remembering this house, correction mansion, and this family? What had happened here?

"Yes, you spent last New Years here with us. I believe that was your last visit with us. You came for our little neighbourhood celebration."

Neighbourhood, where? Lily couldn't see what neighbourhood they were talking about. This sure didn't look like a city suburb like where she had grown up that consisted of row upon row of similar looking houses. Actually, Lily couldn't see any other residence anywhere. Then again, the wizarding world had a slightly skewed view on some matters, and the wealthy were known for having the strangest opinion. Lily figured only time would tell.

"Of course we'll be doing the same little get together again this New Years."

xxx

a/n Soooo, yeah. I really needed to get this story out of the dreadfully dreary setting of Hogwarts. Somehow it felt like things were just spiralling into an endless loop of the same sort of events happening over and over again, but then I realized, Christmas was coming! Well, not really, actually exams are coming and that is the complete opposite of Christmas but oh well. At least I have my wonderful reviewers to keep me feeling less stressed during this horrible period. On top of all that, I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping this story at the rating I originally set it to be. Honestly all my stories are rated M and for good reason and I thought let's see if I can actually write without using strong languages or images. Apparently I can, I just don't like it. So as I'm planning out future chapters now, please be warned that some things may eventually change. Now, I hope you felt like I didn't make this chapter too much of a shift from the everything that was happening in previous chapters and I also hope that you'll continue to grace me with your wonderful reviews. Thank you so much.


	13. Watching You

Loddington House was more than just a house. It was an old country estate that had been passed down through the generations before finally becoming the home of its current inhabitants. For Lily the residence and grounds reminded her of muggle movie. Sure she had seen these types of homes from a far when her parents took the family on summer trips to the countryside, but never did she dream that she would be friends with some of the people that owned those places, let alone become their guest.

The Ministry Car that they were riding in turned in through the tall wrought iron gate that had opened for them as they approached. The drive that then stood before them was pebbled and lined with low, perfectly manicured shrubs. The car followed the path that gradually wound its way up towards the main house. Off to right but lower down on the hill was a smaller cottage style residence that appeared to be the estate's guest house.

At the top of the drive the car stopped and everyone filed out of the car. Lily made a move to go and get her luggage but a word from Charity suddenly stopped her, "Leave it, the elves will get it for you."

It was an odd feeling for Lily. While her family had managed okay in life, they had never been in a position financially to have servants, like most of the muggles out there. This fact of life had resulted in Lily learning that if she wanted something done in life she had to do it herself. Something that Charity had never had to deal with.

What Lily realized when she walked through the double doors into the vast entrance way of the house was that there really were a lot more differences between muggles and wizards than you actually realized while at Hogwarts. The Wizarding World was like the Muggle World of yesteryear. Centuries before, England had presented a strong distinction between the filthy rich and the dirt poor. The same was true in the Wizarding World currently. There really wasn't an average working class. You had the people that struggled to get by and then the long standing families who owned manors, estates and whose name meant something. The muggles would have called it old money, the wizards called it pureblood. Whatever the name, it still meant the same thing. Purist families who believed that change was bad and that they were the best thing to happen to the world.

Usually as a student of Hogwarts a young witch or wizard would assume that the majority of pureblood lineage's were most prevalent in the House of Slytherin. That actually wasn't true. What was true was that the most arrogant pureblooded families were present in higher numbers in Slytherin. In fact, the other three Houses at Hogwarts could boast just as many historically significant families if not more. The only difference was they tended to come down off of their high horse a little more easily and often than those from Slytherin who believed that anybody other than their class was as good as dragon dung. Yes, in Gryffindor for example the purebloods tended to intermingle more with the rest of the world, and that was how Lily found herself staring up at the ceiling where a large chandelier was casting its glow across the large expanse of floor, walls and dual staircases that led up to the second floor and beyond.

"Lily," the calling of her name finally jerked Lily out of her day dreams. Dreams that she knew she would later return to once again.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I'll show you to your room how about?"

"Sure," Lily agreed before taking off after Charity up the staircase on the right side of the room. Lily wondered how you decided which of the two staircases to take. Do you alternate or did everyone have their preference for which one they used all the time? Really, what was the point besides aesthetic appeal? At the top of the first flight of stairs, Lily got her answer.

"We don't actually ever really use these staircases. I'll show you the back stair case on our way back down. It'll take you more to the areas of the house that are used on an every day basis, whereas this part of the house is used more for entertaining. I'll give you the grand tour afterwards, just so you know where everything is at."

"Thanks," Lily murmured. It was becoming an odd feeling to be led around a place she knew she should already know. By Charity's demeanour, Lily knew she was finding it strange as well.

The corridor that they were currently walking down was rather long and was lined with many doors. All of them closed. As they walked Charity talked. She explained what part of the house they were in, when such and such a wing had been added on, how old the current section was, and on and on. By the time they made it to the end of the corridor, Lily had thought they'd finally made it to their destination, but she was wrong. Suddenly the corridor took a sharp turn to the left and the two girls found themselves walking at a ninety degree angle from where they had previously been.

After noting the mix of confusion and awe on her friends face, Charity commented on the shape of the house, "It used to just be a normal rectangular shaped building, but as they added on they realized it was beginning to look stupid so they began adding on towards the back grounds. Now the house is u shaped and the interior facing rooms look out over a sort of courtyard style patio. I'll show you later. That's where the New Year's Celebration will be held?"

"Outside?" Lily asked, she was shocked. While the temperatures in England were not anywhere near that of say the arctic, they were a far cry from being warm enough to support an outdoor gathering. In all truthfulness, even the summertime in England rarely supported that kind of behaviour.

"Of course, a simple blanketing warming charm and you're good to go."

"Right," Lily murmured as they once again set out on their way down the corridor. It appeared they couldn't hold a conversation and walk at the same time. Multitasking was not obviously their strong point.

At the very end of the corridor stood a lone door. While most of the doors were on either side of the corridor, this one was at the very end.

"So this is my room, I'll briefly show it to you and then I'll show you to your chambers. It's just a little bit back that way," she said as she motioned with her one hand in a sweeping gesture back the way they had come.

Inside Charity's room, Lily didn't know what was greater, the view or the chambers themselves. The place was enormous. Adjoining bathroom with all the amenities, massive bed with thick hangings, a wonderfully large fireplace that would be needed to keep the distant room warm during the cold months, and a lounge area that looked over the grounds. Because the room was at the end of the corridor, Charity had views that overlooked the grounds from three different angles. It truly was spectacular, and the number of floor to ceiling windows that adorned the walls allowed for plenty of natural lighting, but the heavy draperies that were securely pulled back at the moment were there to block out the rays in an instant if called upon to do so.

On their way back up the corridor, Charity commented on how her sister had the almost identical room as her on the floor below. They were currently in the western most wing of the house. The wing in which the majority of the bed chambers were. The eastern wing, Charity explained housed her parent's quarters as well as her grandparent's living space and some other rooms that she didn't elaborate on further.

Finally they made it to the room Lily would be staying in for the next fortnight. It wasn't as large or majestic as Charity's, but still Lily was not disappointed. The only thing that upset her was that Charity quickly pulled her away before she could have a really good look at her new, temporary home.

The back staircase that Charity had been describing earlier was actually right beside Lily's room. A rather convenient location for when one wanted to sneak down to the kitchens for a brief midnight snack or late night adventure of the naughtier variety. Not that Lily suspected she would be doing either of the two during her stay.

Their tour of the rest of the estate took a good chunk of the afternoon, and Lily was surprised to find that she was actually enjoying herself. It was like going through a museum, one where she'd be able to live in for two weeks. For a tour that had originally begun in silence, evolved into small talk, eventually ended up with the two girls almost rolling on the floor with laughter from something either of them contributed to the conversation. It really had succeeded in bringing the two girls closer together in a very short time, and Lily couldn't help but feel like when they returned to Hogwarts, their relationship may have just left Rosalyn in the dust.

Something that Lily did notice while they were wandering throughout the maze of corridors and staircases was that for the first time in a long time her mind was silent. No longer was she required to block out the voice, it was just gone. It left her feeling eerily empty and alone, but it was still to early for her to determine whether she liked the changes or not. She had expected to hear back from McGonagall by then about a solution to her predicament, but the Professor had been rather silent on the issue. Lily didn't quite know if that was a good or a bad thing.

For the next couple of days the girls went about their own business. Lily rose early in the morning and usually proceeded down to the well stocked library on the ground floor, where she would then begin to tackle some of her holiday assignments and reading. It was a peaceful place to work, and quite different from what she was used to in the Hogwarts Library. Back at the castle the library was filled with row upon row of book stacks. In Loddington House however, the large room was lined with floor to ceiling shelving that surrounded the entire room and that was it for shelves. The centre of the room housed overstuffed armchairs and sofas, end tables and lamps. The crackling of the fire was the thing that topped it all off, creating a very cozy atmosphere.

If one happened to recline in their seat and stare up at the ceiling they would see that it was actually quite far away. In fact it was a vaulted ceiling that allowed for the shelving on the walls to accommodate more volumes as it stretched far beyond the height of a typical room.

By noon Lily would pack up her books for the day and head off to pick up some lunch. Usually just as she was finishing eating Charity would trudge in, covered in mud and with her broomstick flung over her shoulder. A grin was always plastered across her face. They'd sit and chat while Charity scarfed down some food that was instantly presented to her upon her arrival, before they would again go their separate ways. Charity would trudge off to shower and make herself beautiful for the day, but she would leave a trail of mud in her wake. Lily would then proceed with her wandering. She really had no real plans. Some days she go for a nap, others she'd pick up a book and read for pleasure. It didn't really matter. She was on holidays and she had already worked hard all morning on her studies. Something that couldn't be said for Charity. Although somehow, that girl always still managed to pull through and be successful.

Upon the arrival of late afternoon, the girls would meet up again and chat or do something of the like together. Lily really was coming to realize that they really were two very different people. It truly was amazing when one stopped to look at the people that they called friends, and how they got to be that way. It would be safe to say that if Lily, Charity and Rosalyn had not been thrust into the same living quarters when they were eleven years old, they probably would have never given the other girl a second glance, let alone become friends with them.

By the middle of the first week, Lily's homework stack was beginning to dwindle. Pretty soon she would have nothing left to do and then how would she spend her mornings. Instead of powering through the remaining work, she decided to preserve it and work on it for less time every day so that it would last for a longer period. Therefore, instead of packing up at noon, Lily decided to pack it in for the day a couple of hours early.

After depositing her book bag back up in her chambers, Lily decided that maybe she would bundle herself up in her winter wear and take a stroll through the grounds. Maybe if she was lucky she would stumble across the infamous Quidditch Pitch that every wizarding family seemed to have somewhere on their property. Lily assumed that that would be where Charity spent her mornings.

While donning her heavier cloak, mittens, scarves and all the other necessary winter paraphernalia that was required to keep an individual from freezing to death, Lily hummed to herself. She didn't actually know what the song was called that was stuck in her head, or even if it was an actual song. Regardless, the tune had been repeating itself over and over again in her mind for sometime. It had almost become as bad as the voice. Sometimes she would use the tune to block out the voice, other times she'd pray for the return of the voice so the tiresome tune would be paused if only for a little while. She really couldn't win.

As her room was on the same floor as Charity's, the third, Lily had quite a ways to walk indoors before she actually reached the chilly winter air. By the time she had raced down the two flights of stairs, she found herself wishing that she had held off from putting on all of her woollen clothing, and instead carried it downstairs. Her cheeks were rosy even before the cold air touched them. After letting herself out one of the exterior doors Lily then proceeded off in the direction that she thought the Quidditch Pitch would be in.

It was obviously not to her right. On that side of the estate was an open hill that at the bottom was where the guest cottage was. There were not trees or landscape that would obstruct her view of a pitch, and so she knew it was not that way. Setting off to her left she began walking towards a grove of trees. It was highly likely that those trees were there to protect the non Quidditch playing occupants of the house from having to look out upon such an eyesore.

As Lily drew closer and closer to the edge of the grove she knew she was heading in the right direction. Far off, as almost an echo she could hear cheering and chanting. It was an odd sound. One that you would normally hear if you were to walk by the Quidditch Pitch at Hogwarts while one of the teams were holding their very valuable practice time. It was definitely not what Lily was expecting to hear.

Amazingly enough, Lily found her way through the trees and out into a clearing with very little difficulty. Probably the aid of the noise had been what had directed her in the proper direction. What she saw when she finally poked her head through the trees was the answer to the loud noise, but it was still not something she had been expecting. There, right in front of her two very shocked eyes were seven red cloaked, broomstick flying, Gryffindor Quidditch players.

It was no wonder the Gryffindor team had been doing so well over the last couple of years. They were practising together during holidays. It really was an astonishing feat to gather all seven members of the team during holidays. It just showed the dedication the players had for their sport and for their team. For Lily knew how hard it was to just get a couple of people organized to meet up during break.

Things didn't quite sink in for Lily for several minutes. At first she stood watching the practice simply in awe. They really were very skilled players, from the little she knew about flying and the game. Things were starting to make sense now. The pieces were falling into place rather nicely. Charity would never have become so muddy just from flying laps by herself, and the reason she had never asked Lily to join her suddenly became clear. One of Charity's fellow team mates was none other than James Potter.

Suddenly Lily's head went spinning at a startling rate up towards the sky. Searching for that tell tale hairdo that would give him away. He was here, how could he be here? What, why? She wasn't ready to deal with this, and that was why she quickly stopped herself from emerging from the shadows the trees had to offer. She had planned on stepping out to cheer on her team, but now she was thinking better of it. If she stepped out she would have to face him and he would have to face her. As much as she wanted that, she didn't want to do it right there and then. Not with Charity and the rest of the Quidditch team looking on.

With those thoughts in mind, Lily kept herself hidden for the remainder of the practice, but she couldn't pull her eyes away from watching Potters elegant form pull stunt after stunt high up in the air. She really had fallen for him. It was a sickening feeling really. It felt like she was breaking the rules, going against her morals, so why had she allowed herself to fall? There was no simple answer to that loaded question.

Lily didn't know exactly how long she had been standing there, leaning up against the tree. Shivering but too engrossed in the action high above her head to really care. Eventually all good things had to come to an end. Suddenly the plays stopped and the entire team quickly shot down towards the ground. After a quick pep talk and some congratulations from the teams captain who incidentally was Charity, the team rapidly dispersed. All except for two people. The captain and one raven haired player.

The two stood chatting carelessly in the centre of the pitch and before Lily knew it, they had remounted their brooms and shot off back up into the sky. Around the pitch they zoomed, chasing each other. Racing and laughing as they caught up to the other, passed them but then found themselves being passed yet again. Pretty quickly a large ball had appeared and they started to pass it between themselves at astonishing speeds. This pick up game of pass then evolved into each of the players taking turns playing Keeper and Chaser. One of them would line up and take shots, while the other tried their best to block shots in a position that they were not typically accustomed to playing. It was obvious the two had done this before, from the way they made the transition into their next drill. Or maybe it wasn't so much a drill which made it sound like a chore, as much as a fun game.

By the time they landed back on the hard earth, Lily knew the sickening feeling in her stomach was not from seeing Potter and fearing she would have to interact with him. Something just wasn't quite right. That thought was then reinforced when she saw the captain and player share talk, laughter and ultimately a lingering hug before going their separate ways. That was when Lily's flight response took over and she found herself pounding back through the trees at an alarming rate. She had to get back up to her room, was all she could think. Until she made it there she couldn't let her brain begin to process what she had just witnessed. She needed the safety and protection that being behind a locked door that only she could open would offer her.

When she made it up the flights up stairs and into her chamber she then let her brain process what she had seen, and why a seemingly innocent gesture was making her feel so uncomfortable. What was going on, and how long had it been happening for?

xxx

a/n So I have these ideas about what I want the next event to be in this story, but when I began writing this chapter I just felt like this story and the characters really weren't in a place yet for those events to take place, and well that is how this new addition to the plot was formed. It really only came into effect when I was half way through writing this chapter and I'm actually really happy with where I'm going to take it next and I hope you are too. This will then lead into the next thing more easily that I had been planning earlier. I hope you enjoyed it and please please keep up your awesome reviews. I love you all and by the way, Happy Easter to you all. Cheers.


	14. It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

She had taken the risk and pulled out her wand and sealed herself in her chamber. While she was not yet seventeen, she decided that in a house filled with legally abiding magical users, she was probably pretty safe from getting caught. While usage of underage magic was a crime, it was a chance Lily was willing to take to give herself the privacy she required. If that fateful angry letter came from the ministry, summoning her to a hearing, she could at least feign ignorance of the rule. After all she did have memory loss, so why not play it up and make the burden into an advantage?

The reason she was sitting alone in the dark chamber was because she needed to think. Curled up on the window seat with the large duvet wrapped snugly around her body, it offered her both warmth and comfort. Two things she desperately needed at a time like this. From her perch at the window, Lily overlooked the courtyard of the grand house. It was there that she contemplated her options.

What she had seen only a handful of minutes before had sent her spiralling into a bad mental space, again. All sorts of situations were playing out in her mind. The rational side of her brain was telling her that maybe it wasn't as it had seemed. Maybe there was something else going on, and on top of that, who was she really to stop him. That thought however was where her reflexes took over and she was no longer able to think rationally. Yes, he was free to do whatever he wanted, but Charity was her friend. A friend should not act that way around the person their friend was interested in. But what really had Charity done that was so wrong? She hadn't kissed him, nor had she said something that was incriminating. All that Lily had seen was two team mates being, well, team mates. Why then were things not sitting well in Lily's stomach?

It was an absolutely horrible feeling that Lily was feeling. Her stomach felt like it had suddenly took a sky dive of the roof of the Astronomy Tower. If that was the feeling that Quidditch Players got when they went into a long, steep dive, then Lily didn't quite know why they did it.

There from her seat, Lily contemplated what she should do. It was no easy decision to make, it never was when the two parts of your mind were fighting against themselves. Talk about seeing things from two different angles. While a part of her was ready to get up and begin throwing her belongings hastily into her trunk and heading back to Hogwarts, another part of her was urging her to take it all in stride. Calm herself down and then decide what the best option was. It was no secret that the decisions made in the heat of passion, were not always the best ones. If she stayed around, she could even try to come to the bottom of what she had just recently witnessed. If she were to return to school, all she would have would be that few minutes of interaction between Charity and Potter, playing over and over again in her mind.

What Lily really wanted to do was talk to McGonagall. She knew that she'd have the answers to all Lily's problems right away. But that wasn't going to happen. Sure she could arrange something, McGonagall had made it very apparent that she was there for Lily whenever she needed her, but Lily also knew she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. She couldn't always go running of to McGonagall when things turned sour. It wasn't fair to the Professor, and it really wouldn't do Lily any good in the long run.

Those thoughts were definitely hard for Lily to stomach, but she did know that they were for the best. It was a turning point. A whole new set of resolves and incentives were laying before Lily. All she needed to do was stand up, stretch out and reach for them. She'd done it before and she could do it again. She was strong and she could do it. Of course, that was what her mind was dictating to her, but her emotions were telling her otherwise. It was the most horrible experience when your body and mind turned against each other and as a result, you.

Lily really only had two options, sit and wallow or fight. It was beginning to feel like she'd been down and out enough, so now was the time to change that. She would stay, if only because it would be disrespectful to Mr and Mrs Loddington to pack up her trunk and leave in the middle of the holiday season that they had invited her to take part in. Plus, Lily also felt like she needed the normality of having a family around who held traditions. Even if things were going to be a bit off with Charity, Lily thought it was for the best.

With that stronger resolve finally reinforced, Lily realized that she would have to come face to face with Charity at some point soon. That point would come sooner than Lily had actually hoped.

While she had told herself over and over again she was a strong individual and the like, it still hadn't made it any easier for Lily to get up and return to the main part of the house. Instead she paced around her overly large chambers. Curled up under the covers on the window seat, with her forehead pressed up against the cold glass. By late afternoon, she had migrated to the enormous bed where she immersed herself in the soft and fluffiness of expensive mattresses and pillows. As darkness fell beyond the windows, Lily realized she was almost at the point of being summoned for dinner. A thought that Lily really wasn't too keen on thinking all that much about. She was not hungry and her solitude throughout the afternoon had been too nice. She didn't want to leave the room. Especially not to go to dinner with Charity.

Every night the Loddington family held court in the dining room. Dinner was served on lovely platters and the wine was poured freely for the adults. It was tradition, and one that Lily didn't feel like having any part in at least for the night. Her chamber was feeling awfully cosy and peaceful. Just the way she wanted it. While earlier she had said she would be strong and confront this little hiccup that had appeared head on, she was now having second thoughts. In all honesty, who wouldn't when they were surrounded by more pillows than they could count in a room that looked like it was directly out of a fairy tale? Tomorrow she'd do it. Tomorrow she would be strong. Until then however, she could easily pretend to be ill, because not being hungry was not enough of an excuse to get her out of the elaborate dinner that was surely being laid out that very moment on the dining room table below her.

Just as she had assumed, not more than ten minutes later a crack beside the bed signalled to Lily that she was no longer alone in the room. Sure enough, when she pulled the covers down from over her head she found herself staring into the brightly glowing orbs of one of the Loddington's house elves.

"Good evening Miss Lily, will you be attending dinner tonight?" the creature inquired in a high pitched and squeaky voice.

Lily shook her head and the little creature looked shocked. He really had not been questioning her, it was more a formality as it would be rather rude to tell a guest that they needed to be at dinner right away.

"Can I tell master and misses why?" the poor thing asked. From the look on his face, from the quivering of his lower lip to the moisture in his large globular eyes it appeared that he had taken Lily's negative answer straight to heart. A direct blow to him personally.

"Well," Lily stalled for a minute but then quickly decided to just feed him the standard story, "I'm just not feeling quite up to par. Tell them thank you for the invitation and thank you for coming to let me know that it was being served shortly. Hopefully I'll be better after a good nights rest."

The elf sucked in a deep breath and fired out a sentence at an alarmingly rapid rate, "I'm sorry to hear that Miss, I hope Miss feels better soon, would Miss like Spunky to bring up Miss a tray, I hope Miss isn't ill from what she ate earlier..."

Before he could rattle off anymore words Lily suddenly cut him off, "No, Spunky it was not the food. The food is very delicious," she felt like she was reassuring a small child, "it's just...you know," she waved her hand around and the little elf nodded.

"Spunky will bring Miss a tray and draw Miss a bath, then he'll fluff Miss' pillows and stoke Miss' fire."

Before Lily could protest and say that none of that was really necessary, the elf had disappeared with another crack. At least she had got herself out of one meal with the Loddington crew. Maybe tomorrow she'd feel up to tackling that adventure. Until then, it appeared that Spunky was going to treat her to an evening of pampering.

Within ten minutes, the steam was coming off of the tub that had been filled with colourful bubbles and steaming water. A tray pilled high with biscuits and a tea pot with an everlasting warming charm on it was placed on the small table beside the tub and Spunky had promised to return with a tray of food for when she emerged from the bath.

While Lily was not suffering from the discomfort that she had led the elf to believe, she could see why the elf had said that was exactly what he did for all the misses of the house when they reached that time of the month. As Lily sunk down into the foam she felt all of her tension melt away. By the time she felt sufficiently pruned and decided it was time to climb out of the water Lily could almost say she was hungry. A feeling that was nowhere near emerging earlier. Much to her delight then, when she stepped out of the bathroom, Spunky true to his word had stoked the fire, laid out dinner and added a hot pad to the inside the sheets.

For the rest of the night, Lily tuned out the world and slipped into a positively peaceful vegetative state. It was incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating, exactly what she needed. At some point-she didn't actually know what time-she slipped away into a peaceful sleep. Considering what she had stumbled upon earlier in the day, she was very thankful to finally say good bye to restlessness. Apparently her body and mind was finally becoming accustomed to being bombarded with turmoil. She didn't quite know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing really. All she knew was that her mind had finally slowed down enough for her to get a good nights sleep.

The following morning played out much like the previous evening had. Lily lounged around, minding her time as Spunky came in and out to pamper her. Unfortunately at around noon a knock sounded from the other side of the tall wooden doors. It was Charity. As much as Lily was displeased about the interruption to her quiet time, she was also slightly hurt, amazingly enough. While she didn't really want to spend any time in Charity's company, one would have thought that if your house guest and supposed best friend was ill then you'd come up to personally see how they were doing. Apparently that was just the house elves job in a house like this. Common courtesy went out the window when you had elves to take care of everything you didn't want to deal with. Must be a nice life, Lily mused with a rather unattractive snort.

While Lily was wide awake, she really wasn't that interested in climbing out of the warm little cocoon that she had made under her pile of blankets. Besides, if she did climb out of bed then she would be forced to talk to the person on the other side of the door and she knew she wasn't up to that yet, regardless of how at peace she had felt previously.

The individual out in the corridor knocked again, waited and then tried the door handle. Only to find that it was indeed locked. Eventually, if Lily strained her ears hard enough, she could hear the soft pad of retreating footsteps. Now the only question was how much longer could she keep this up before people began to question her isolation.

The answer came to that question several hours later when Spunky suddenly appeared at Lily's bedside.

"Dinner is to be served at eight o'clock," the little elf spluttered, "shall I tell mistress that you will be present?"

Lily let out a sigh, she knew that if she didn't make it down for the meal then she would probably have the mistress of the house coming up to knock on her door.

"I guess so," Lily said, but her voice was filled with regret. Besides, if she didn't go then she'd have to go tomorrow as it was Christmas Eve the following day. It was truly a question of now or never, and Lily decided that more questions being asked could be avoided if she simply put on a nice set of robes and made her way down to supper. Maybe she could even escape early, feigning fatigue after a day of not feeling one-hundred percent. At least she had an escape route planned.

Therefore at a quarter to eight, Lily muttered the counter curse for the spell she had placed on the door and then proceeded out into the corridor. She walked slowly after that, down the staircases, along the corridors and through the empty halls. Taking her time because there was no need to rush. She'd given herself enough time, so she could find no reason not to dawdle on her way to the dining room.

By the time Lily finally made it to the double doors that would admit her into the dining room she found with a quick glance at her watch that she was right on time. She had timed it absolutely perfectly, now if only everything else could go just as well. As per usual, that wouldn't appear to be possible.

Sitting amidst the Loddington family in their elegant and richly furnished dining room Lily knew things were about to go down hill as soon as Charity's mother turned her body in Lily's direction and opened her mouth, preparing to speak. All heads turned towards the speaker and Lily felt her face immediately heat up, and yet nothing had even been said.

"Maybe you could help me out with something," the words rolled off the woman's tongue in a beautiful wave. With her accent and looks, Mrs. Loddington was mesmerizing, and not just by the male species. Lily too found herself staring at the woman seated at one end of the table and ignoring her words.

"I'm sorry," Lily murmured softly, she was quite embarrassed to have to admit that she had not in fact heard the sentences that had been spoken to her, "would you be able to repeat that?"

"Of course," the woman said with a hint of a smile that covered up what she was really thinking, "I was just saying that Charity here does not speak of any of the boys that you are friendly with at school. I was just wondering if there is any special boy in your life?"

It was an innocent enough question. Simply an adult asking a teenager if they had found love, or what they thought to be love. Probably every teen had been asked that gut wrenching question before by a relative or a family friend, but that didn't make Lily feel any better. To her, it almost felt like Mrs. Loddington knew something and was just trying to rub or better yet, grind salt into an open wound. A wound that had no chance of healing anytime soon.

"I...ahh," Lily stuttered over her words and this drew everyone at the table's scrutinizing stares solely onto her. She felt her face glowing bright red and the tears sting at her eyes but somewhere in the back of her mind there was that little voice nagging at her to spin the attention away from her and so without a second thought Lily quickly said, "I think Charity would be a better one for you to direct that question towards."

The shocked look on Charity's face betrayed her emotions, but they were emotions that Lily couldn't exactly piece together what they meant. Was she embarrassed, trying to hide something or just angry that her friend had sold her out? There was no chance of Lily getting any answers it became apparent, but thankfully the heat had momentarily been directed away from Lily's love life and onto a much more interesting topic, Charity's love life.

"Is there something you'd like to tell us dear?" Mr Loddington said, but he didn't appear to know whether to look joyful or angry about the current choice of discussion topics.

"I...ahh," Charity stumbled over her answer in the exact same way that Lily had only seconds before, "nothing that I can think of," she finally tried to cut off the topic with a short, blunt answer but nobody would have any of that.

"There's nobody on that Quidditch team of yours that you find moderately attractive?" Mrs Loddington enquired. It was becoming apparent from the way that she said Quidditch, that she didn't think to highly of the game. On the other hand, her husband appeared to beam when the mention of Charity playing Quidditch was brought up. Typical, stereotypical prejudices at work.

"You do seem to spend quite a lot of time with them," Mr Loddington added. Apparently he finally felt comfortable coming into the conversation after the mention of the wizarding sport.

There were beads of sweat now evident across the top of Charity's brow. Lily wanted desperately to assume that they proved her guilt, but the more reasonable side of her brain kept telling her that it was a normal reaction to have when someone was being grilled by their parents about boys.

When it became apparent that Charity was not going to spill anything, suddenly the focus of the discussion shifted back unfortunately towards Lily.

"I don't believe we heard an answer from you Lily," Mrs Loddington pressed.

Lily knew that she could no longer dodge the question without actually standing up and walking out of the room. That was not an option at that point in time. Besides being incredibly rude, the plate of food that was sitting before her growing colder by the minute still tasted like heaven. Maybe it was a small price to pay to have a fabulous meal. She'd throw out a few titbits to feed the hungry creatures and then she'd go on her merry way. Full and happy, at least for a little while.

"Well, actually there was somebody."

Suddenly everyone's heads spun around at alarming rates. The food on everyone's plates was temporarily forgotten as they had finally struck gold after almost giving up.

"Oh," Mrs. Loddington smiled, but the way she had raised her perfectly arched eyebrows was just showing that she was screaming for more information but was to polite to jump across the table and start shaking the information out of their guest.

"Yeah, he was great," she fed the information out very slowly. There was no need to give away more than was actually necessary.

"Was?"

"It was after my accident and he took really good care of me."

"I see," it was not followed by a question but Lily could see that she was still not yet off the hook, so she'd feed a bit more.

"People were against it from the beginning and well I guess I could say their pressure didn't help matters much," she said it with a sigh as she remembered how she had felt the moment James had told her he couldn't do it anymore.

"But you aren't over him?" Mrs Loddington said, but this time it wasn't Charity's mother, but her father's mother. The old woman had sat all prim and proper in her chair and had never said a word until that moment. Up until that point Lily had got the impression that she was a cold, hard woman, but from her question and the sound of her voice it appeared she was actually quite the opposite.

Lily picked up her fork and poked rather unladylike at the fish on the china plate before her. As the piece of meat crumbled before her eyes she realized that everything fell apart if you poked at it enough. The only thing that mattered however was that it was still fish. It may look slightly different but it would still taste just as amazing as ever. Underneath all the torn apart pieces, Lily too was still Lily.

"No, I'm not. It was that once in a lifetime thing and I'm not ready to let that go because I'll never find it again. There are just some things you can't let slip through your fingers simply because somebody else-a third party-has their own interests in mind," Lily said it rather forcefully, hoping that if Charity was in fact listening, she'd get the hint that Lily was not done fighting for James Potter. Lily had spoken those words however directly towards the elder Mrs Loddington because for some reason she felt like the old woman could relate.

"No, you can't let that keep two people that are meant to be together, apart," the elder Mrs. Loddington commented softly.

It was then that Lily realized she may have just found a person in this cold house that she could discuss her problem with. Without naming names of course.

As Lily walked away from the dining room after finishing up what was left of her cold meal she realized that she was ready to fight for James. He had fought for her for years, now it was her turn. He had told her no once, she had turned him down more times than either of them could possibly count. Now it was her turn. She now knew what he meant to her. She could thank Charity for bringing those realizations to the surface. At least some good had come out of what she had overseen the previous morning. James Potter was hers and she was not about to let anybody stand in her way.

However, as much as Lily wanted to fight for James, she also wanted to hex him. For leaving her like he had. It truly was a set of mixed feelings that she was experiencing. She wanted him, but she also wanted to make him suffer. Then again, if people were correct in telling her, she had already made him suffer for many, many years. Maybe now was just the time to try and sway his thoughts on why he decided to walk away. But that could wait until tomorrow. For now, all Lily could think of was sinking into those amazing bubbles that Spunky had a way of making.

xxx

a/n Yay, another chapter done that I hope you all enjoyed. Thanks again for all the reviews you sent in and please, please keep them up. I'm having surgery on Monday so I don't know when I'll be able to update again so I won't be promising anything. Anyway, I hope you liked it and let me know what you thought. Cheers.


	15. Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?

For the next week Lily went about her days pretty much minding her own business. Sure she'd attend the nightly family dinners, but other than that, she tried to stay clear of Charity.

By the time the eve of New Year's Eve finally rolled around, Loddington House was in full swing decorating mode. Lights and candles were being arranged in places any normal person would never try to place a flickering flame, but the wizards had always prided themselves in doing things the most interesting way. When Lily tucked herself into bed for the night she knew right away that sleep may be a very foreign thing for her. As below her window, the party preparations appeared to be schedules for the entire night.

Much to Lily's surprise then, morning found her curled up around a rather large pillow, sound asleep. If one would listen closely enough, they may even hear the hint of a snore. Something that Lily would very adamantly deny.

When evening finally did roll around, Lily found herself tidied up and ready to attend a party that she really wasn't that keen on attending. As a guest of Loddington House, it was her duty to be present and so present she would be. Even if inside her mind was screaming due to utter boredom. Really, how fun could a neighbourhood party be? The people would probably all be dreary old rich folk who's conversation would be as dull as could be.

So as Lily trudged down the stairs to make her appearance, it wasn't without hesitation.

As she made the rounds around the heated patio, Lily couldn't help but notice that Charity was doing her best as well to keep up a lively appearance. A true testament to how hard keeping face was for Lily. At least Charity knew these people. Lily could honestly say that except for those who were keeping her as a guest, she had never laid eyes on any of the other witches or wizards in her life.

Finally, after figuring she had mingled enough, Lily decided to make a break for it while she still could. Apparently the party was supposed to get pretty rowdy as the evening wore on and the liquor was poured more easily, but Lily failed to see how anything could liven up this sort of gathering. She hoped she would be proven wrong. Otherwise it was going to be a long, long night.

With a drink in her hand Lily set off on foot away from the lights and noise of the party. The heating bubble that had been placed over the outdoor patio and surrounding grounds was working perfectly. Only in the magical world could guests attend an outdoor gathering in the middle of winter and not freeze to death as snow fell around them.

Lily however, feeling slightly rebellious wanted to map out just how far the charm would cover. As she walked farther and farther from the central gathering point, she realized that the snow that was falling had actually been sticking to the ground for quite some time. It was a rather strange feeling, walking through snow in tiny ballet flats without your toes turning blue. The farther she ventured away from the house, the more snow was built up as less people had trampled on it and packed it down.

When a cool breeze began to nip at Lily's bare shoulders, she knew that she had reached the line that she had been searching for. If she were to take another step, her bare skin probably wouldn't fare so well. With that in mind, she turned around and only then did she see just how far she had ventured from the merry-makers. It seemed that when the Loddington's said a small bubble would be placed over the patio, they actually meant that the entire back garden would be covered by the magical tent.

Because Lily had stepped away from the edge of the bubble, she no longer felt that pesky breeze that had threatened to invoke harm upon her. She was once again back in a peaceful world. The drone of laughter and voices was far enough of that it was only a hum and that was the way Lily liked it. She felt out of place at this New Years celebration. She wasn't pureblooded and she certainly wasn't upper class. Really, she knew nobody there except those that were providing her a place to spend the holidays.

It was hard, plain and simple. There was really no other way to put it. Lily was muggleborn and she was beginning to see why people said she would never fit into their world. Sure she new some things about the world that she had pretended to be a part of for six years, but she was still a new addition. That reality was becoming increasingly apparent as she listened to the adults rattle on about something that was happening in the adult world, beyond the protective walls of Hogwarts. For Lily, Hogwarts was the only part of the wizarding world that she knew and that scared her. In less than a year and a half, Hogwarts would only be a memory. She would be shipped off out into the real world and forced to make her own way. Just the thought of that sent her pulse rate up.

Knowing she wasn't ready yet to return to the party, Lily found her self a bench where she proceeded to sit down. The wooden bench was underneath a trellis that in the summer months would be covered in beautiful flowers. However it was winter, and all that remained from the previous months of heat were the dead and dried out stocks that wound themselves, leafless around the wooden beams.

How long she was going to sit there, she did not know. Maybe until somebody came to retrieve her or maybe that wouldn't even be enough to sway her into returning. It was a peaceful place that she had found and it wasn't to often that one happened to stumble upon a place like that.

She didn't know how long she sat there, it was to dark to see her watch, but she sat and listened to the music that was playing off in the distance and rocked back and forth to the tunes that she recognized. It was to bad that she hadn't stumbled upon this place earlier in her stay. With a nice little pond behind her, the sound of water trickling was just enough to soothe Lily's anxious mind. It was almost as if somebody had given her a calming potion. She was sitting in a sense of serenity and for the first time in a long time she felt like she could actually think clearly. Might as well use that to her advantage then.

With her mind clear, it was easy for Lily to quickly come to the bottom of all of her turmoil's. Some may say that Lily was jealous about what she had overseen between James and Charity, but Lily knew that while yes she was a bit jealous, she was actually experiencing another emotion that was pulling her body in a much different direction. Loneliness, it had the power to make people do incredibly stupid things.

"May I join you?" a voice suddenly pulled Lily out of her deep, soul finding thoughts.

Once she realized who the voice belonged to, her racing heart was pounding no longer from surprise, but from uncertainty. What was she supposed to say? Why was he there? Who had invited him? As easy as it would have been to splutter out one of those simple questions, Lily still found herself unable to speak. Therefore, having felt like the had waited long enough without receiving an answer, the person sat down beside her. Very closely beside her in fact.

"I...ahh," it seemed that that was just about all Lily could put into words over the past week. Wasn't she a brilliant individual?

"I saw you wander off by yourself and I thought I'd come check up on you. Make sure you were okay. You didn't look to good when you left the patio."

Lily didn't know what to say, or better yet, she didn't know how to put the words that were flying at lightning speed through her mind into words. He was sitting just so darned close. Probably her heart was racing loud enough for him to hear it.

"What...are...you...doing...here?" she spoke every word with great care. Mulling it over on her tongue first before she opened her mouth to speak it aloud.

"Here, or here?" he tried to joke, to break the ice.

"Here," she motioned around the entire estate to show that she didn't just mean sitting on the bench beside her.

"Well, my family's place is just in the neighbourhood and seeing as this is the neighbourhood New Year's Eve party I figure it was fitting that I showed up."

Again Lily wasn't quite sure what neighbourhood he was speaking off. It sure seemed to her like Loddington House was out in the middle of nowhere, but she'd save that for another day. Right now she had bigger problems to deal with, primarily getting the answers to what was going on.

"You've been to this party before right?" Lily asked softly, she was beginning to think that she had spotted a crack in the stone wall that was trying to keep her from accessing her memory.

"Yes, every year," he nodded.

"And I have been here before right? When you were too?"

He didn't need to say anything, the look he was giving her explained it all.

"I knew there was a reason why I couldn't remember this Estate, or ever having come here," she mused almost to herself.

"I'm sorry, I'm not following," he said.

Lily didn't know where this was going or why he was sitting there beside her. Wasn't he supposed to be avoiding her? Wasn't she avoiding him? So why then were they sitting so close together, knees just barely brushing each other, and neither of them was pulling back?

"I should have been able to remember my stay at Loddington House. I've remembered pretty much every insignificant detail about my life now, except for this place. Which leads me to believe, that this place is not just an insignificant stop in my life. Maybe something more happened here, something important. I just don't know what."

She was beginning to get the hang of this memory loss thing. If she couldn't remember it, she had to find a way to still fit the puzzle pieces together, and that was what she was currently doing. Amazingly enough, it seemed that when she did put the puzzle back together she would then be allowed access into another part of her memory bank that had previously been sealed tightly, blocking her access.

"I just need to find out what the reason was and then I'll be good."

"Is that all that's bothering you?" he asked as he gently stroked a piece of hair away from her face. After tucking it safely behind her ear he realized that maybe she wasn't comfortable with such close contact and so he drew his hand back to his lap rather quickly.

To Lily, this was beginning to feel like old history. The way he was talking to her, like he really cared about what was happening to her, drew her back to her time spent in the Hospital Wing. When he was the only one who was there for her.

"No," she replied quietly. She didn't know why she had said it. Her brain had been screaming at her to say yes, everything was fine, but her lips had a mind of their own. Possibly for the better. Maybe they were smarter than she was and they realized something her slow brain had yet to stumble upon. It was quite possible.

They sat there together in silence for several long seconds, just staring at each other but trying to not get caught. It was uncomfortable yet special. Two people obviously in love, but who couldn't figure out how to get around the administrative duties that first had to be performed.

Realizing that words could only solve so many problems, Lily decided to take matters into her own hands. Before she knew what she was doing, her lips were separating and she found her mouth forming words that her brain was trying urgently to stop.

"Are you going to kiss me?" she whispered as her brain unceremoniously lost that battle. Leaving its only thing to do now was make her cheeks flushed red and warm. She couldn't believe the words that had come out of her own lips. How stupid could she sound, first they don't speak to each other in weeks and then she was asking for him to lean in and kiss her like they would do in a fairy tale. Life wasn't a fairy tale, maybe someday she would realize that. It was to late this time. What was done, was done, but she could learn her lesson for the next time she put her heart out on her sleeve.

However, with all that running through Lily's exhausted brain, before she knew it he had pulled her towards him and secured her lips with his. It happened just as Lily was about to jump up and bolt out of embarrassment.

It was a short kiss and completely void of passion. What it did involve was a lot of hesitation and unease, mixed with a side of _I'm sorry_. By no means was it a demonstration of the angst the two teens were currently feeling for each other. Instead it almost managed to instil more questions into the already confusing jumble of equations, simply because it had been a kiss that held so much in the balance.

Neither teen said anything as they separated from each other. They both pulled back and sat awkwardly on the same bench, trying to look at anything but each other. Each waiting for the other to break the silence and state their opinion. Had a kiss, a simple, quick kiss, solved years of problems?

Lily knew that her heart was racing. She could hear it resonating around the inside of her skull and feel it pulsating through her body. Almost as if she had just faced of with an angry centaur and lived to tell the tale. Little did Lily know, but James was experiencing almost the exact same sensations on his side of the bench. Even thought he was looking the picture perfect example of cool, calm and collected.

The awkward silence continued on for several more minutes before James decided to finally take matters into his own hands. It was not what Lily had been hoping for, however. Instead of reaching out and grabbing her hands and giving them a squeeze or even leaning in for another more meaningful kiss, he stood up and Lily's heart broke once again.

Because a kiss doesn't solve anything.

xxx

a/n So, a bit shorter of a chapter compared to what I've been doing lately but I decided that with what I wanted to do next, how I ended it would be a perfect lead up to Part II. Yes folks, this is not the end. Now if you're really keen on seeing the outcome in a shorter amount of time then you all know how to achieve that. Reviews! Luv you guys and thanks for your support with my surgery, it went well. Cheers.


	16. Like We Never Loved At All

From her seat she sat frozen and watched him move in the opposite direction. His robes were billowing out behind him and as much as it pained her, Lily couldn't help but notice how well they suited him. Being from a muggle family, Lily really didn't have that much experience with wizard wear that was not a Hogwarts Uniform. Therefore it always amazed her when she saw people she knew from school that were wearing something other than their standard issue black robes.

It was at that point that Lily gave her head a shake. What was she doing? She was admiring a set of robes or maybe more technically what was under those robes, when she should be standing up and fighting.

"James," she cried out at the same time as she jumped up from her seat under the trellis and prepared herself to run after him. She'd vowed that she would fight and so that's exactly what she was going to do. In greater detail however, she didn't really know what she was going to say or do. Her brain hadn't exactly got to that point yet. It was still scrambling to try and catch up to her voice and legs.

If she said it didn't shock her to see James suddenly stop in his tracks, she would be lying. After everything that had happened, she fully expected him to ignore her and just keep walking off towards the horizon. Maybe there was still some good in mankind-particularly man-because instead of resuming walking, James stood motionless. Waiting for her to say something, allowing her to come to him.

"We need to talk," she sighed. Her shoulders sunk and she closed her eyes. There, she'd finally said it.

What came out of James' mouth next seemed to surprise both of them, "Really?"

Despite the lack of lighting where they were currently standing, Lily could still make out the look of hope that had made its presence known across James' face.

"Really," she murmured.

She didn't know who had taken the first step, but before she knew it they were standing facing each other. There was no denying that the entire situation was incredibly awkward, but to put it all in perspective, so was trying to avoid each other at school.

"Why don't we sit down?" he offered.

After Lily nodded slightly she felt him place his hand gently on her back to lead her in the right direction. She flinched slightly at the first contact out of surprise, which caused him to respond quickly by drawing his hand back. Everybody was trying their best not to offend. After realizing her mistake, Lily reached out her hand and wrapped her fingers around his upper arm. Personally, she didn't feel like it was as intimate a gesture as holding hands, or placing ones hand on the small of the others back and so that was the reason why Lily liked it. They had a lot of figuring out to do before they could ever return to being intimate.

Before the two teens were able to sit back down on the wooden bench they turned back towards the house. It sounded like someone was approaching. Sure enough, the noise turned into well defined footsteps and giggling.

"Sounds like somebody found themselves at the bottom of a bottle of firewhiskey," James chuckled.

"Yeah," Lily muttered offhandedly in response as she tried to hide her displeasure. She had finally managed to get a promise of communication between herself and James and then they had to be interrupted by adults who couldn't control their liquor consumption.

As the seconds ticked by, the giggling got louder and louder. Until two people came around a nearby bush and saw that they weren't alone. Suddenly everything went quite until the woman tried to speak, "Oh...Terry...I...don't...th...think...we're...a...al...alone," she then collapsed into a fit of giggles and fell down at the man who apparently was named Terry's feet.

Much to the shock of everyone there, including Terry, the unnamed woman began to claw at her companions waistline.

"Let's get out of here," James quickly said, and without thinking about the intimacy side of it, he grabbed Lily's hand and practically dragged her back towards the house. Even at the quick pace that they were walking, they still didn't make it far enough away to not hear the sound of crashing bushes as the couple took a tumble into the shrubbery.

Realizing the absurdness of what they had just witnessed or almost witnessed, the two teens turned to each other and forgetting everything that had happened between them, they laughed together. Right before taking off at a run back towards the house. Neither of them realized that as they ran, their hands were still interlocked between their bodies. Maybe it wasn't so much they didn't realize, but they didn't want to acknowledge it, because for once it just felt right.

Before they made it back to the crowded patio they slowed down their pace. Now instead of running, they were walking at a normal speed. Lily didn't really know where they were going to go next. They needed somewhere quiet. A place where they weren't going to get interrupted. They'd been interrupted enough. Therefore instead of walking back towards the party which now looked like it was in full swing from the blaring music and laughter, the two teens took a quick detour to the left.

"I know there's a door here somewhere," Lily muttered under her breath, more to herself than to her companion.

"It's right there," James pointed as he pulled Lily in that directions.

Once the door closed behind them with a _click_, Lily realized her mistake. Standing together in the bright corridor they were not immune to interruption and on top of that, the blazing light made Lily very uncomfortable. She felt incredibly vulnerable. She knew that if she was ever going to open up to James, they needed to get out of the environment. Being out in the dark had held an almost romantic edge to their situation. It had made Lily feel like she was in a book, and the lack of lighting had made it easier to take chances. In the light, everything wasn't so forgiving.

If they wanted to be alone Lily knew the only place in the house that they could go that would ensure privacy was her chambers, but something was keeping her from climbing the back stairs and allowing James into her chambers. It felt like she was disrespecting her late mother. The rule at her parents house had always been no boys upstairs. You could go anywhere in the house with them, except your bedroom. Even if they were your best friend, her mom had always put her foot down.

Even though her mom was gone and Lily was almost an adult, free to make her own decisions and path in life, she simply couldn't get past the voice of her mom in her head. Therefore instead of motioning James up the stairs Lily pointed down the corridor, "Follow this until the end and then swing a right. It'll take you back to the Entrance Hall. I'm going to grab some warmer clothes for us and I'll meet you there in five."

Without waiting for a reply Lily turned and bolted up the stairs. It was a good decision for Lily to make. She now had five minutes to herself, to think. In reality it would take her at most two minutes to retrieve the winter apparel, but James didn't know that. With the extra couple of minutes that she had Lily sunk down onto the window seat and stared out across the patio and the party. The sound of happy, drunk people was making its way through the glass panes and Lily sat in the dark, just watching. The crowd had grown significantly from the number that had been there when Lily had made her first escape.

When her time was up, Lily made her way back towards the main part of the house. As she was going to the Entrance Hall, she decided not to take the back stairs. Instead she continued on past them, down the corridor. In her few minutes to herself, Lily's mind had drawn a blank. She had thought she would put the time to good use and come up with something to say to James. What actually had happened was quite the opposite. Instead of having a brain swimming with genius ideas, she was currently drawing a blank.

As Lily approached the top of the staircase she heard voices drifting up from below. Not wanting to be seen with James, Lily slowed her pace but still continued to approach the stairs. Keeping to the shadows she crept, but tried to look over the banister without getting caught. What she saw made her heart sink and her blood boil.

"Jamie," a high pitched girls voice squealed, obviously very excited to see James standing by the front double doors, "you finally made it!"

If Lily hadn't have been watching, the exchange would have appeared to be harmless. However she was not just listening to the events unfold below her, she was watching it with her own two eyes.

From beneath the staircase Charity emerged, or rather stumbled. Apparently the alcohol consumption was not just for the adults. Charity eventually made it across the Entrance Hall and fell into James' arms. James had no other choice but to extend his arms, otherwise she would have landed in a heap on his shoes.

"Charity," he said rather curtly.

"Jamie, I was so worried you weren't going to make it this year. We both know how much fun we had in previous years," she ended this with a fit of giggles.

For being in the state she was in, Charity was speaking very coherently, oddly enough. Apart from the high pitched squeal that was her new voice she was actually quite clear speaking. Allowing every word that came out of her mouth to drift effortlessly up to Lily's perch.

As Charity was cooing at James, she didn't even for a minute let go of him.

"Yeah Charity, loads of fun. Now why don't you head back to the party, I'll meet you there later."

"And we can do what we did before right?" she pulled herself back from James. The only contact with him was her hands, which were placed on his shoulders as she kept him at arms length.

"Sure," he said, "whatever you want."

"Then let's go," she squealed and tried to drag James back the way she had come from. Much to her disappointment however, James was a lot bigger than her and even with her Quidditch strength, she was still unable to make him budge, "Why aren't you coming?" she huffed.

"I...I'll meet you there," James tried desperately to fend off the clingy girl.

"You don't want to be with me," Charity crossed her arms and stomped her foot like a little child would do when they were told they hadn't eaten enough vegetables to have desert.

"No."

"You don't like me."

Even from Lily's perch she could see James suck in a deep breath and let it out in one long exhale as he tried to calm himself. Lily herself needed some good calming and so she tried to give it a go as well. It didn't work. She was still more confused than ever. What was going on? The way Charity was talking it seemed that she and James had been very close at some point. Closer than Lily would ever approve of. On the other hand, James was trying to push Charity away. Or so it seemed. Was he just doing that because he knew Lily was coming back? The other major question was how previously was the previous event that Charity was referring to?

"No Charity, just go. I'll meet you out back in a few minutes. I have to use the..." he never finished because Charity's face lit up and she almost started to bounce up and down.

"I'll come with you and then we can go out together. After we...you know,"

"No!" James finally put his foot down, this time raising his voice to a level of power that Lily had never thought he could muster. She definitely was startled and it was not directed at herself. Therefore it was no shock to Lily that James' voice had caused Charity to move backwards like she had been hit by a nasty curse.

"Fine!" she huffed, before she spun on her heal and stormed towards the back of the house. Her shoes pounding on the floor echoed up towards Lily who knew that Charity was deliberately stomping harder than was actually necessary.

Lily gave it a few moments before she decided to go down the stairs and make her presence known. She'd give James the option to think that she had taken longer than expected and had actually missed the whole encounter. She wanted to see if he'd bring it up, or if he was trying to bury it away from her knowledge. Finally deciding she had given it enough time she made her way over to the staircase. As soon as her foot stepped on the top step James' head spun around.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Lily replied softly, "I got them," she held up a set of mittens, a scarf and an odd looking hat that would fit James. She herself had put on her cloak over top her robes as well as the above mentioned knitted apparel.

At the bottom of the stairs James met Lily and gratefully accepted her offerings. After he was all bundled up the two set off towards the front doors. Standing out on the front stoop they scanned out into the dark, contemplating their options.

xxx

a/n So last night I got this chapter all typed up and it was double the length. While I loved this part of it, the second half which was supposed to be my favourite part actually did nothing for me. I didn't have time to rewrite the latter half, but I was so excited about what's happening in the story right now that I decided to chop off the ending and rewrite it later. For now though, you guys get this part. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it and please as always let me know what you think of it. Cheers


	17. Just a Kiss

In the now chilly air, they set off down the long drive towards the main road. When they reached the bottom of the hill James without saying a word, pointed to the right and Lily nodded. While they walked, neither teen said a word.

The air between them felt heavy. The stuffiness was odd considering the below freezing temperatures, but it was there nevertheless. No words had been exchanged yet. Each of them were trying to figure out what they were going to say and how they were going to word it so it came across in the most effective manner.

Only once they were safely away from Loddington House did they finally speak. Subconsciously it felt like as long as they were near the party they had the chance of getting interrupted or eavesdropped upon. Nobody wanted that.

Lily kicked at some loose pebbles on the side of the road that were yet to be covered up by the snow. They ricocheted off of the end of her shoe and bounced their way down the lane. She followed their travels with her eyes until she lost sight of them in the darkness.

Something about the lack of lighting made it feel easier to speak and speak the truth. With that pushing her forward, Lily opened her mouth and without another thought or minutes hesitation said softly, "I just want you to know what I'm going to say is going to be completely honest," as an after thought she added, "I don't want to walk away with anymore regrets, James."

His name rolled off her lips ever so gently and just that one word, a name, was laden with so much passion. James didn't say anything in reply however because what was there to say?

Well, there was plenty. He could begin with apologizing for everything in general, or he could be more specific and walk her through why things had happened as they had. Neither felt right though and so that was why James said nothing.

Lily adjusted her scarf around her neck, trying to keep as much heat in as possible but at the same time, trying to keep herself distracted. For sure it hurt. She had just vowed her honesty to James and in reply he had said nothing. It was a scenario that she should have been used to, but alas she wasn't. It still hurt. It was like she had just opened up and said _I love you, _only to have him say nothing, or worse, the dreaded _I know._

It was becoming quite obvious that if there was going to be any form of a conversation, Lily was going to have to be the instigator and so she decided to take the leap. She was going to jump and hoped she landed in one piece. There was no guarantees though, there never was in life.

"Before we say anything else I just want you to know that I..." I what? What did she feel for him? She cared for him deeply, did she love him though? "That I really like you," she hadn't said it as forcefully as she had intended but at least she had got it out there, "despite everything that has happened," he needed to say something quickly, otherwise she was really going to put her foot in her mouth. A rather complex and unflattering maneuver.

The reason she had said what she just did wasn't so much because she vowed her honesty, but because she felt like she had nothing to loose by putting herself out there. Hadn't she lost everything already? You couldn't take something from somebody who had nothing. Besides maybe if James realized that she was serious about him then there would be less of a chance of something not being said because the other was scared their feelings weren't reciprocated.

Finally James decided it was time to say something and Lily braced herself. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It was rapidly becoming her motto in life. If one was to think any other way, then they were setting themselves up for a lot of heartache.

"Charity and I, well I guess you could say..."

Lily was braced for the worst. No regrets, she had vowed and she would stick with it. All of her cards had been laid down on the table, she had had no intention of leaving things to chance. That was why she had told him straight up how she felt about him. She was down with signals getting lost and all the drama of miscommunication. She'd laid things out in a plain and simple manner.

"We're nothing," James finished, although he hadn't really finished. Nothing had been cleared up.

For a minute Lily didn't think she had heard right. had he just said what she thought he had said? Or was her mind playing tricks on her, while trying desperately to protect her.

Almost as quickly as her delight had come it was gone. Erased by unease and apprehension. Was he telling the truth? Should she believe him? Had he given her any real reason to doubt his word?

"You've promised honesty, and so I'll do my best to honour that and return the favour. I know you saw what went on between us tonight and I also know what it looked like."

She had to give him points. He had brought it up without any prompting from her. He could have just as easily tried to bury the truth of what had just occurred underneath the stairs at Loddington House, but he hadn't.

"Charity was drunk," Lily lamely said. What she was trying to do was convince herself. She wanted to think that the only reason Charity's encounter with James had happened was because of the influence of the bottle. Nobody wanted to think their friend was capable of partaking in such a horrible thing.

"I'm going to tell it to you exactly how I see it. Charity and I have been I guess you could call it close. When we went to Hogwarts and both made the Quidditch Team it was common ground between us. We were already neighbours and Quidditch was something we could do in the summer when we had to go months without seeing our friends. We became friends that way. As time went on though I always suspected there was something more going on. On minute she would be like my best friend and then the next my worst enemy. Lately things have really got out of hand. I just don't know anymore. She seems to see the line only when she's overstepped it by a mile. Then tonight, Lily she wasn't drunk. I couldn't smell anything on her and she was speaking perfectly clear..."

Lily didn't hear what he had to say next. Her mind had drifted off into another undisclosed location. To a place where she could attempt to process everything that was swirling around uncontrollably around her. Who was she supposed to believe? Who did she trust? She was aching to believe James, but still things were holding her back. It wasn't just her pride that she would have to push aside. Too much had happened for it to just be an issue of pride.

It was about trust and loyalty. Her best friend or the guy? Somebody who was completely removed from the situation would always say the friend because you couldn't let a boy come between a friendship. From where she was standing, that distinction was not as clear as Lily would have liked.

"...I know there is a lot greater issues at hand here but it absolutely killed me to walk away that day."

Lily had tuned back into James' speech to hear his last sentence. It brought her back to the other matter they had to deal with. On top of the James and Charity issue, there was the James leaving Lily issue. Now that Lily tried to remember what his reasoning had been that day for leaving, she couldn't actually remember. It was hard to be angry at him when she could no longer remember why she was angry. Had it really been that petty of a thing that it had now slipped her brain?

It had been insignificant then and was even more so now, and because of that Lily found herself not knowing what to say to James. It wasn't just his leaving that had angered her though and so she decided to try iron out some other things.

"A lot of things have happened. Every time I think it can't get any worse it does. First I lose my memory, then this absolutely amazing person comes to my rescue. He's everything I could have ever asked for, he was special. But before I know it, he's gone and I don't really understand why. My friends tell me I can't be around you because of something major that has caused me to hate you but then I see that said friend falling all over you. I don't know what to believe and more importantly, I don't know who to believe. I feel so lost and there is nobody I can trust because all everyone ever tells me is conflicting information. All I know is I feel something for you that I don't just feel for anyone."

It wasn't going as Lily had planned. They weren't getting to the bottom of any major issues. To her dissatisfaction she felt herself softening towards him, regardless of everything that had happened to her and everything he had put her through.

"And then tonight, what happened there? You kiss me and then get up and leave. I don't understand. Why did you do it if all you wanted to do was walk away? Why bother?"

Suddenly James stopped walking and reached out for Lily's mitten clad hand. A hand which Lily was against handing over to him, however James held his ground and clasped her hand between his own. Not tight enough to hurt her, but tight enough that she couldn't easily pull it away as she was trying to do.

Lily had though that her tears were all gone, but nevertheless she felt them sting at her eyelids once again.

"Lily I kissed you because I've been wanting to kiss you since I walked away. When you didn't respond I thought you were angry, or weren't feeling what I was. I thought I had offended you and so I figured..."

"Well, you figured wrong," Lily sniffed.

"Lils...Lily I never wanted to hurt you. I've just been trying to do what I thought you wanted. I guess I just got the wrong signals. By trying not to hurt you, I in turn hurt you more than I ever could have imagined. I thought you wanted space and so I gave it to you."

Lily clenched her eyes shut and let herself fall away. What was going on? She wanted to believe him so badly, but she had always been a cautious person and after getting hurt she was even more so than before.

The snow had begun to stick to Lily's cold eyelashes and so when she opened her eyes, a momentary sensation of not being able to see was present. After several long blinks she realized that James was standing really close to her. Their hands were still interlocked and Lily found it a lot easier to make eye contact with James than it had been before. Hopefully that was a start.

"You don't know how badly I want to trust you," Lily whispered. She didn't know if it was the right thing to say, it was like saying she was without her wand to someone in a duel. She was admitting she was completely defenseless. It felt necessary that she say it though. To explain that her guard was down and she was searching for someone who wouldn't raise their wand and point it at such a trusting individual.

Before she knew what she was doing she had closed the space between them and sealed her lips with his. It was awkward and uncomfortable due to the cold air and the amount of wool they were wearing around their necks but nevertheless Lily still enjoyed it. It was just a kiss. It could mean nothing, it could mean the world. What Lily hoped it symbolized was a promise. A promise to move forward. Their kiss on the bench, underneath the trellis had been just a kiss as well, but it was what it had led to that made it stand out. That seemingly meaningless kiss had meant everything.

"Let's walk, I'm freezing," James said as his teeth began to chatter.

They set off together walking once again, but this time there wasn't a space between their bodies. If somebody was to stop and ask either of them, they would probably say very quickly that their close contact was to conserve heat, but they both knew otherwise.

It was amazing what just a kiss could do. No, it hadn't solved anything, but it had succeeded in getting the ball rolling. That was all anybody could ask for in a relationship wasn't it? Communication was the key to stomping out missed opportunities.

"We should probably head back," Lily commented on the fact that they were moving farther and farther away from the warmth of Loddington House. Although she really wasn't ready to step back into the reality of Loddington House and have to deal with Charity she needed to get the feeling back in her toes. Sometimes you had to sacrifice for your limbs.

"This way," James pulled at Lily's arm and motioned for her to walk to the side of the road.

"What?" she asked. She was confused. The lane they were on was surrounded by trees and Lily couldn't see anything standing out that would catch James' attention off the side of the lane.

Her feminine protective instinct was screaming at her to not follow someone who was practically a stranger into the underbrush, but another part of her brain was urging her on. It was only James. He wasn't some random person off the streets. Even if she didn't feel like she knew him very well, she had been in the same House as him for years. That had to count for something. They couldn't really be all that much of strangers.

Her discomfort was all for nothing it turned out as James said, "My house is just up the path here. Let's go inside for a hot drink."

When he felt Lily suddenly stop in her tracks he knew that maybe he had pushed her just a little to far. She was just so fragile.

"Don't worry, nobody will be home. They're all at the party."

Lily didn't know what propelled her forward, but before she knew it she was following James up the narrow pathway.

"You really don't like company do you?" Lily tried to joke as she stepped carefully over a snarl of roots.

James chuckled, "If you're talking about the unforgiving nature of the path, well this is just the back way in. It's my little secret. No, the main drive is a lot more elegant than this."

Lily settle in behind James because the path was to narrow for them to walk side by side. While she was still nervous about everything that was unfolding before her, she was actually happy not to have to return to Loddington House. That being said, she still kept her hand hoovering firmly above her wand. If someone or something were to jump out at them, they would have to be incredibly quick, because around Hogwarts Lily was known for her rapid wand movements and accurate placement of spells. She was not someone to be messed with that was for sure.

As they walked up the narrow trail, it felt to Lily like the temperature was dropping yet again. They could be in for quite the night, and consequently a lovely digging out in the morning. In all reality, James and her couldn't stay outside the entire time they worked out their problems. There were far to many of them and they would surely freeze to death before they came to any positive conclusion. That being said, they had to seek shelter and so why not the supposedly deserted Potter residence.

With a little smirk that James couldn't see, Lily also relished in the fact that James had left Charity hanging and instead was escorting her around his so called neighbourhood.

Before Lily realized what was happening, they had emerged on the other end of the trail and standing directly in front of them was one of the largest houses Lily had ever seen. It even set Loddington House to shame, standing there glowing in all its glory.

"No," Lily stopped in her tracks.

James turned around and stared her down.

It was the lights. The whole house was a blaze, almost as if it was on fire.

"Relax," James tried to hide his laughter, but it came through anyway, "nobody's home. I promise you. We just have a little trouble leaving the place in darkness as you can see," he chuckled.

Before she could stop her hand, it had extended and placed itself in James' outstretched hand. As they walked across the grounds towards the house Lily muttered, "just a kiss," it could do so much but so little. They still had so much to discuss and clear up, yet all of that seemed to have been forgotten.

Lily didn't know how she was supposed to feel about that.

xxx

a/n So in the end I actually didn't change anything about this chapter. I fully intended to rewrite it all and get more accomplished between J & L, but when I started writing I realized that what I had was good, it just needed something more so it wasn't all dialogue. And that was how this chapter came to be. I hope this story is unfolding in a way you guys like and I love hearing what you guys thought was going to happen. Those are probably my favourite types of reviews, the predictions, so please keep it up. Cheers.


	18. Party for Two

a/n Just a heads up, this chapter jumps around a little bit in time. Hopefully it's clear enough, but I'll let you be the judge and let me know. Thanks. Enjoy!

xxx

"FINALLY"

The voice rang out in an incredibly booming manor. It bounced around the room and echoed off the walls and tall ceilings.

Lily was disoriented. She didn't know where she was, or who the person screaming was. By the time her eyes adjusted to the light that was streaming in through the wall of windows directly in front of her, she had figured out at least where she was.

Upon entering James' house he had quickly escorted her into the back sitting room. The room was absolutely spectacular in Lily's opinion. It was at the rear of the house and just as Loddington House did, it overlooked the gardens and beyond that dense forest. The ceilings were vaulted and the entire back wall was a wall of floor to ceiling glass. Even though the room was lavishly furnished in warm wood tones and leather upholstery, the only feature that truly interested Lily at that exact moment was the roaring fire that was burning in the grate just to the right of the door.

When Lily stepped before the hissing flames she finally felt a bit of warmth. That wasn't to say that the entire room wasn't warm, it was just that she was quite chilled and standing almost on top of the fire was the only thing that could warm her to her core. Before she knew it she was starting to overheat. Tiny beads of sweat could be seen glistening on her brow. To combat this, Lily decided it was finally time to un-bundle herself from her winter clothing. One piece after another she began to unwind and tug at the now constricting accessories. By the time she was standing in only her indoor wear, James had returned. Oddly enough, she hadn't even realized his absence until he had reappeared. She had been so concerned about getting warm that nothing else seemed to matter.

James nudged gently at Lily's arm causing her to turn to face him. Curiosity had overcome her love of all things warm. A smile broke out across Lily's face when she realized where James had gone.

"That didn't take you very long," she smiled appreciatively at him.

"Why don't we sit down, that is if you aren't opposed to stepping away from the fire? I promise you, you won't freeze while sitting on the couch," he tried to lighten the mood with a bit of a joke.

Lily hadn't realized how cold she had been, until her body had started to warm up. Reluctantly she parted from her close companionship with the fire and followed James around to the sofa. They sat down beside each other, neither close nor far away from the other. It was just the right distance for the situation they were in.

To ensure that Lily's body temperature stayed at a comfortable level, James reached for a woollen throw and draped it across Lily's lap. She smiled appreciatively at him to show her thanks.

Inside the deep mug that Lily was clutching, the warm contents were frothy and steaming. She wrapped her hands around the mug just a little tighter and drew it up to her lips. After blowing on the top of the drink for a few seconds in attempt to cool it to a reasonable temperature, Lily finally decided it was ready to sip at. Her judgement had been off however as the burning liquid seared her tongue and the roof of her mouth. Abruptly she pulled the mug away from her lips as her eyes began to water due to the pain.

"Watcher, it's hot," James warned her just a little to late.

Lily stuck out her injured tongue and bit down on it with her teeth in a fruitless attempt to stop the throbbing pain. All of her other problems were momentarily forgotten.

Deciding it probably wasn't safe to try another sip of the hot elixir just yet, Lily placed it down on the coffee table in front of the sofa and watched the steam dance up from the deep innards of the mug. It was a mesmerizing sight. As Lily watched the intricate movements of the vapours she simultaneously buried her stocking clad feet into the plush woollen rug that gave the room an expensive but homey touch.

It had taken a little bit as it seemed to be the case for them, before they finally found their words. After that the rest was a bit of a blur for Lily, ending up with her walking up to the morning rays of sunshine dancing across her face and a shadow draped across her body. Meaning somebody was standing above her. Really close to her, to close for that matter.

"What's going on?" Lily grumbled as she tried to fight off sleep and the grit that had formed in her eyes. She drew her hands up and gently rubbed away, trying to clear her vision so she could see who the intruder was. While there were many people in Lily's life that she wasn't fond of, the person standing before her or rather above her was not one of those. That being said, she would be lying if she found herself saying that she was happy or even indifferent to seeing their new guest.

"Jamsie and Lily sitting in a tree...s-n-o-g-g-i-n-g...first comes..."

"Sirius Black," Lily grumbled as she rolled her eyes at the same time. She should have known.

"The one and only ma'am," he took a step back from the edge of the couch, giving himself just enough room to take a deep bow.

"What are you doing here mate?" James' voice rang out from really close to Lily's head.

"Well, I was just going to ask you what she was doing here?" Sirius pointed at Lily with his thumb and made an odd gesture in James' direction that Lily didn't really know how to interpret nor would she even waste her time trying to decipher. The bigger issue at hand was why was she sleeping and why was James' voice coming so closely from beside her?

Before anybody could get to the bottom of what was unfolding a sudden crash sent everyone jumping to their feet. As Sirius had tried to take a step he had incidentally tripped over the leg of the coffee table. This resulting in his body flying in a very ungraceful fashion across the room. After a spectacular roll he landed on the other side of the table, his fall only cushioned by the thick rug that had warmed Lily's toes only hours before.

"I'm okay," Sirius sprang to his feet with a triumphant grin plastered across his goofy face. The smile quickly vanished however when he saw the damage that he had inflicted on the room. While the table was still standing and in relatively good shape, the real damage had occurred to the rug that lay below it. The drink that Lily had been sipping on the night before had somehow been forgotten due to hers and James' deep conversations the night before was laying shattered across the rug. It's long cold contents soaking in and staining the material before their eyes.

As Lily and James finally found their voices yet again the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight. A new year would bring new chances and new opportunities and both teens fully intended to take advantage of those opportunities.

She said she was going to be honest, and so honest she would be, "James," Lily whispered. She felt like he was a mile away even though he was sitting right next to her. She wanted him to hold her, to kiss her and tell her everything would be okay, but that was not the type of world they lived in, "I'm worried," she murmured under her breath. She didn't elaborate any further, all she did was wait to see how he would respond.

Suddenly the gap had closed between the two of them as James scooted across the seat, "I know," he replied softly, "I can tell."

Lily found herself fighting an overwhelming urge to suddenly open herself up and tell James exactly what was bothering her. From her fears that something was still happening or about to happen with Charity, to why he had left in the first place and even to the issue of why she was supposed to hate James but really couldn't bring herself to doing it she had a lot to discuss. How could she trust what he said in response was the truth though? How was she supposed to know that he was not simply lying through his teeth to hurt her?

You never could truly tell. You had to go with your heart, trust your gut and listen to that little voice in your head. Luckily enough for Lily that little voice may actually prove to be beneficial in her life instead of just a burden. She had been blocking it out or at least trying to up until that point. It wasn't an easy thing to do. Sure she could still hear it in her head but she was trying her best to just ignore it. Maybe if she didn't listen to it, it would finally fade away. So far that wasn't working out so well, but at least she had tried.

As Lily sat on the couch, curled up next to James she was momentarily glad she hadn't fully eradicated the voice. So with her secret weapon armed and ready to assist her in anyway possible, Lily finally felt like maybe she was on the right track to getting some much needed answers. Maybe things did happen for a reason.

While there probably was a much more pressing issue at hand, Lily decided to start off with the most recent development in the unfolding disaster, "I know we talked about this earlier but it still bothers me. I don't feel like I can move on to anything else before I feel like I've got this matter settled."

Lily had been staring into the wall of glass as she spoke and because of the blazing light indoors and the darkness outside the glass was acting as a mirror. Allowing Lily to observe her own expressions as well as what James was doing as she spoke. It was a lot easier than making eye contact with him.

"It's Charity. You say your friends with her but she does strange things. I want to know the truth. Does she have feelings towards you?"

Lily fell silent and waited for James reply. The first one came right away, but no words had actually been spoken aloud. _Appears that way._

Lily almost jumped out of her skin. Sure she had been able to pick out some words here or there from the voice, but never an entire phrase. It was surprisingly clear. Almost as if the voice knew it was serving its intended purpose. As Lily's heart rate eased back down to a more normal rate she realized James himself had not actually answered.

"James," Lily turned her head away towards him and made eye contact with him.

"I'm sorry Lily," he whispered, "I know she's your best friend and everything..."

Lily's head was spinning. There was too much information for her to process all at once. She needed more clear answers, "Why are you sorry, what have you done that you have to apologize for?" her voice had risen an octave and was now rather shrill and accusing.

_Nothing. Nothing!_

"I'm just sorry that you had to have this happen to you. After everything that you've gone through to now have this on your plate."

_Just say it._

"I guess the question I should be asking you is, do you have feelings for her?" after Lily asked the question she prayed that she'd be gifted with the answer that she was hoping for.

_Have feelings for Charity?_

What was going on Lily still was unsure of. The voice was stringing multiple words together and seemed to be speaking with emotion. Maybe she was actually going to get the honest truth finally. She had the inside scoop and the best lie detector on the market. It appeared to be foolproof, until one realized they were relying on the voices in their head for answers. Not always the safest way to go.

"Honestly Lily, no! She's an awesome team mate, a good laugh when you need it and absolutely gorgeous to boot but if I were to stand her next to you I see a friend and I see a partner. One you go out for drinks with on a weekend and the other you bring home to mom and dad. You and Charity, well I know you're friends but you two are so very different people. There really is no comparison between you."

Lily was thankful she had her handy little sidekick to tell her what James really meant underneath all that mumbo-jumbo, because he definitely was not speaking very clearly. Hopefully it was just out of fear, and not because he was trying to hide something.

Pretty quickly Lily realized the best way to do things was to fire simple questions out one at a time.

"How do I know that something isn't going to happen between you though?" Lily laid all her insecurities out in the open with that loaded question and she had her fingers crossed that she would receive an adequate answer. It truly was a make or break question.

_Because I love you Lily._

Even though Lily was waiting for answer, it still surprised her to hear those exact words form in her head. While that sort of reasoning would have normally seemed phoney and cheesy to an girl when a guy used it as a sort of promise, Lily felt like she was actually hearing the honest truth. Mind you, it couldn't get that much more honest. If her suspicions were correct and she was indeed listening in to James' innermost thoughts. Something she should feel guilty about doing since it was technically an invasion of privacy, but she felt she was in desperate times and so she was clinging to anything she had that would keep her afloat.

Instead of James saying what had first come to mind when he had heard Lily's question, he ended up saying, "I guess you just have to trust me. I know it sounds like a stupid answer but what else can I really say. I don't want to be with Charity. Yes, she wants to be with me but you really need two people to make a relationship. I want to be with you, you want to be with me. I think we'll have a much greater shot at working out than any one sided relationship ever would."

Whether Lily would have accepted that answer if she had not heard what James had first thought was beside the point. She was just happy to hear the truth.

The next morning as the nights conversations slowly came back to Lily, she realized that maybe she and James had finally worked some things out. Just maybe she had uncovered some of her much needed answers. She sincerely hoped the voice was not leading her astray. There was enough things in her life working against her already.

What Lily really wanted to do as she adjusted herself on the couch was to turn to James and have him confirm what she was remembering was not in fact a wonderful dream. Who knew, maybe she was still supposed to hate him. Something that was becoming increasingly hard to do the more time they spent together.

"Charity is going to furrreak," Sirius exclaimed as he bounced around the room. Apparently having fully recovered from his spill he had taken only moments before.

"What?" the uncomfortable feeling of panic had lodged itself once more squarely around Lily's esophagus, making it hard for her to swallow and even take a deep breath. Had the voice led her astray? Was everything she had heard it say the night before not actually true?

"Man when will that girl finally got off her high horse?"

James wasn't saying anything, he was just staring at Sirius. It appeared like he was mentally trying to convey some sort of message to Sirius. One that ultimately, Sirius was not receiving.

"Like it's been obvious for years. James and Lily are meant for each other. James and Charity just does not have the same ring to it, but Lily Potter. It's so much better than Lily Evans, if I do say so myself. James and Lily, now that's what I call a match made in heaven," Sirius rattled along as if neither Lily or James were within swatting distance of his head.

Lily rolled her eyes and let out a long, slow breath. The tightness in her chest was slowly beginning to fade away. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or embarrassed by what was coming out of Sirius Black's mouth. Here he was planning her wedding, all the while she didn't even know if there was indeed a relationship budding between James and herself.

"Just come on already you two, when will you guys realize. Now when I get back I hope you little children have sorted out your differences and..."

"Pads, just go," James shook his head, trying to contain his laughter. It was always an adventure with Sirius around. You never knew what was about to come out of his mouth, for better or for worse. People always said that James and Sirius were a hilarious, stupid, genius pair. James didn't see it. For him, it always felt like he was riding in Sirius' coattails. He wasn't funny, Sirius was.

James looked over at Lily and saw that while her face was beet red she was indeed laughing.

"Well, I can see where I'm not welcome, so I'll be in the kitchen if either of you need me. Now don't get into any mischief you two. We don't want to have to have mommy or daddy dear walk in on anything they should be seeing. So I'll just skedaddle. Don't do anything I wouldn't do Prongs," then as if it dawned on him what that really only limited James to, he tried to open his mouth and say something more but James was to quick.

"I mean it mate. One more word out of your mouth and I swear you will be searching for a snow pile to sit in to soothe the burn."

"Okay, okay I'm going. See, I'm leaving. I'm walking towards the door. Bye my dear Lily," Sirius' final attempt at humour was a salute that he directed off in Lily's direction.

"Is he always..."

"That way? Yes," James finished Lily's sentence for her, "a right old laugh most of the time, but a little embarrassing if he's not on your side of things, if you know what I mean."

Lily had thought up until ten minutes before that she knew what type of person Sirius Black was. She had always assumed he was a performer. Somebody who got their kicks by making fun of those around them, and even themselves, and that behind closed doors he would be a normal person. Apparently that was not the case. It appeared to be that Sirius Black was the same comical, trouble-maker whether he was in a crowd of a hundred or a crowd of two.

"Maybe I should go?" Lily softly changed the subject. She hadn't said it as a statement, more as a suggestion. Almost as if she was begging for him to protest, to make her stay with him at least for a little while longer.

"Yeah, you probably should," James replied, obviously not catching onto what Lily was hoping for.

Slightly defeated Lily made her way to her feet. She had thought they had worked through some issues the night before. Maybe it hadn't been enough for James to feel comfortable having her around for a longer period of time.

After they had cleared up some of the problems regarding Charity and the seconds ticked still closer to midnight, Lily had tried to steer the conversation towards another problematic area. Why she supposedly hated James. Nobody could give her a straight up answer. Not James, nor McGonagall and definitely not Charity. Maybe it was a pointless waste of time to bring up her concerns, but she had James willing to talk so she was taking full advantage of the opportunity.

"Why am I supposed to hate you?" Lily fired off at James.

Before the voice in her head had a chance to reply James had snorted. A rather unattractive gesture that had failed to cover up his laughter. It was evident that his snort had been a reflex, because it had occurred before any conscience thoughts could be formed in his mind.

"It's not funny," Lily huffed. She felt like stomping her foot and crossing her arms. All the while sticking out her bottom lip as far as it would go. She was just about at that point of having a temper tantrum fit for a spoiled three year old.

"Lily you know I can't answer that."

By now Lily's bottom lip had begun to protrude, but she was holding off on the foot stomping. At least for a little while. Who knew, maybe it would come to that by the end of their conversation if she did not get the results she was searching for.

"But why not?" she whined, "hasn't it been long enough. I can't remember and I just want to remember," she hated the way her voice sounded, but she had little control over it when her emotions took over.

"I want you to remember too."

"But I haven't remembered anything new in ages. I've hit a plateau," it actually hadn't been ages. Only the day before she had remembered as she looked out the window at the falling snow, a ski vacation that her parents had taken her and her sister on one christmas. It had been the first year Lily had gone away to Hogwarts, that's when the real problems between herself and Petunia had started. Needless to say it had not been all that pleasant of a vacation. Petunia hated the cold, the wet and Lily. While Lily just hated when everyone did not get along.

The problem with that memory was that it was just a filler. It held no real significance in explaining to Lily who she was and what had caused her memory to be erased. It was just extra stuff. Sure it was nice to have, but would she rather have the reason behind her amnesia become clear or the memory of a ski vacation? The answer was blatantly obvious to Lily and that's why she was frustrated.

"Please, I'm begging you. It's making me scared, knowing I should hate you or be terrified of a relationship with you, when all I want to do now is be with you. Charity won't say anything, just that I should avoid you like the plague. Not that I really believe a word she says anymore. Now you're playing along. I feel like I should just get up and walk away because obviously there was a good enough reason for my former self to steer clear of you and I know you know what that reason is. You were involved in whatever happened, you can't just not know why I hate you. So tell me, please."

James looked on with a pitiful expression on his face. It was exactly the sort of look that somebody would have when they were coming to a friend that they had crashed and destroyed the broomstick they had been borrowing. It was a mixture of guilt and remorse. However, guilt was not enough to get James' lips to unseal themselves, "I don't know Lily."

Lily had become so flustered that she had forgotten to utilize the power of the voice to see if she could dig up anymore information. If she had have been tuned into it she would have been enlightened to why everything was happening such as it was.

"I don't know what I did to cause you to avoid me or hate me or whatever it was that you were doing. I was never privy to that information, as much as I wanted to be. I tried a lot of different things to find out the answers to the questions you are asking, but sometimes you can just be a really difficult person to read. I'm sorry. I wish I knew the answers."

Lily was exhausted, frustrated and extremely upset and so that was why she decided to take a breather for a minute. Give herself a chance to cool down both mentally and physically. While she had been freezing not to long before, she was now overly warm. It felt like everything was closing in around her. The air was heavy and sticky. Her clothes were clinging to her body in strange ways as the sweat dripped down her back. She swiped her hand across her forehead, pushing her hair away from her eyes in the process. She didn't know if it was the room that was overly warm or if it was just the stress over everything that was causing her to sweat. All she knew was that she felt and probably looked quite nasty and she wasn't even considering what she must smell like.

That didn't stop James from suddenly leaning in and kissing her. His lips were pressed up against hers very delicately as he applied just enough pressure for the kiss. It didn't last long and Lily was both glad and a little upset at the same time. She wanted to kiss him, but she also felt like she was betraying her morals when she allowed herself to do so.

"What was that for?" Lily demanded rather grouchily. She was still bothered about what had just been said and so she did feel like he was taking advantage of her, even if it was only slightly against her will. They weren't in a relationship after all.

"It's midnight," James smiled, "Happy New Year."

Lily looked on and it seemed like she was confused, which prompted James' next comment.

"You have to kiss somebody on New Years. It's tradition and seeing as there is only you and I here, then I figured I was required to kiss you. They also say how you spend New Years is how the next year is going to go. Well, if I'm being frank, I think I'm going to like how this year is destined to go."

Lily knew all about the silly traditions and superstitions that people had associated with New Years, the kiss had just shocked her. That was all, and she was still upset about not getting a truthful answer to why she was told to hate James.

As Lily stood up to leave and head back to Loddington House, she realized that while James and her had made some progress before falling asleep in each others arms, something she still couldn't quite remember how it had happened, they had also taken two steps back for everyone they had taken forward. Maybe things were not meant to be figured out. Lily secretly hoped that that was not true.

The problem with leaving for Loddington House was that once she returned to Charity's place, she would undoubtedly run into Charity. A rather annoying inconvenience when one just wanted to be alone to mull over their thoughts and try to force themselves to remember the most vital details of their life. She had taken a holiday from pushing her brain to remember. Ever since coming to Loddington House she had given herself a break. James was not around so she had not been pressuring herself into remembering. She had hoped that it would be beneficial in the long run to take a break and walk away. It was yet to be seen whether it had actually paid off.

On top of not being able to have time to think back at Loddington House, Lily would also have to handle what was sure to be Charity's outrage at being stood up by James who had promised he would return to the party to see Charity. The only good thing was that Charity did not know that Lily had been the reason for James' absence, as Lily had been hidden when Charity had confronted James. Sure she would probably come to the right conclusion, but Lily was not going to give her even an inch. She would try to keep her absence at the party on the down low for as long as possible. Hopefully it would be easier that way.

"I need to get going," Lily said as she made a motion towards the door. She no longer felt welcome in the Potter House, ever since Sirius had interrupted them. Then again, she was not to thrilled about the place she was leaving for. Some things just had to be tackled one step at a time however and so that was what Lily planned to do, because she really had no intention of running into James' parents and trying to explain to them that they had honestly just fallen asleep while talking.

With that thought in the back of her mind, Lily hastily gathered her winter garb and made for the door.

"Do you want something to eat first, before you go I mean?" James tried desperately to fall into good host mode, but he fell short. His question ended up sounding more half hearted and repeated out of necessity than he had actually intended it to.

"I should probably get back, you know I'll have to deal with Charity," Lily shot of rather harshly and then regretted it as soon as she saw James' hurt expression. That comment was out of line and not fair to him, "I'm sorry, that was below the belt."

"Just go," he whispered.

Lily's heart was sinking at an astonishing rate. What had she just done? She really needed to learn to control the filter that was supposed to exist for safety reasons between her brain and her mouth.

James held open the door for Lily and she emerged on the other side to see an older couple standing at the other end of the corridor, deep in conversation. Their heads spun around when they heard the soft click of the door opening and this action only further made Lily regret her sleep over.

"Mom, Dad," James curtly nodded his head in a gesture of recognition.

The two adults, only currently known as Mom and Dad murmured their hellos. All the while, Lily hung back behind James. She definitely did not feel in the mood to meet his parents. She didn't know what would be worse, that they would automatically assume she and James were in a relationship or that they would assume she was some one night stand that didn't respect herself. Needless to say, Lily's usually fair complexion was nothing short of deep crimson by the time she made it to the other end of the corridor. Regardless of the fact that James had said earlier that she was the girl he wanted his parents to meet, not Charity.

"And who do we have here?" Mrs Potter turned on her son with a raised eyebrow. While she looked sceptical about everything that was unfolding, her husband was trying to hide a smirk. It made Lily extremely uncomfortable because she figured that if James' father was anything like James in the personality department, then he would automatically be thinking that his son had got lucky at the party the night before.

James cleared his throat, something that he never did and reached for Lily's hand. She was still standing behind him and so he sort of gave her hand a small tug, to get her to stand more beside him, "Lily Evans and my parents Catherine and Edward Potter."

"Pleasure," Lily murmured. While she was incredibly embarrassed, she could at least try to salvage the situation by remembering her manners and so with that in mind she stuck out her hand and shook both parent's hands.

"Yes, yes," Mrs Potter repeated, almost as if she was trying to convince herself.

"I should probably get going, I have quite a ways to walk," Lily pointedly directed her comment towards James. She should have got out of their earlier when the other occupants of the house were still fast asleep. Preparing for the cold outside, Lily proceeded to wrap her scarf that she had been caring, around her neck. While it had stopped snowing and the sun had come out, it was obvious even from indoors that the sun did not equal warmth. The new snow that had collected on the ground overnight was sparkling so brilliantly it was blinding. It would have been nice to have a pair of sunglasses for her walk back, but when she had left the night before, she really hadn't planned on returning to Loddington House in the sun.

"You could just floo," James snapped his fingers and it looked like a light bulb had just come on in his head.

"You're probably right, but I don't know where I'll come out in their house. It would be rather awkward to just tumble out of the fire while they sat having a private family conversation in their kitchen," Lily had instantly taken to the idea, until she actually thought about it. At first she couldn't believe how good an idea it was. Coming from a muggle upbringing, she sometimes forgot some of the basics for wizard life to run smoothly.

"No, you won't have to worry. You'll just come out in their Entrance Hall. You'll be fine."

Curiosity had finally overcome Mrs Potter because she said, "And where is it that you are staying my dear."

"Loddington House," James curtly answered for Lily. He had a nasty feeling that the conversation was only moments away from turning sour.

"Oh that reminds me James, Charity was looking for you last night. Several times actually. Isn't she a dear? Such a lovely girl. You tell her when you see her that we love having her around and..."

Mrs Potter never had a chance to finish her sentence because James quickly grabbed Lily by the elbow and ushered her down the corridor, "Lily really should be heading back now."

Lily squeezed her eyes and counted to ten. Hoping that those few seconds would be enough to vanquish some of her anxiety. Before she knew it she was accepting a scoopful of floo powder out of an ornate jar that James had handed to her. After he had placed the jar back on the mantle he turned back towards Lily and took both of her hands in his own, "I'm sorry," he whispered to her so softly that even he wondered if he had actually spoken those words aloud.

Lily nodded, because there was really nothing more she had to say. It was obvious, everyone loved Charity, and why wouldn't they. She was athletic, rich, well-to-do and drop dead gorgeous. Lily on the other hand was just some orphaned red head who couldn't remember that her parents were even dead. There really was no competition. No wonder she was always falling up short next to Charity.

With that Lily threw the powder into the flames and stepped in. As she loudly and clearly shouted her intended destination she vowed that she was not going to just roll over. It was not going to be pleasant, but it was something she felt like she had to do. While she originally planned to stay clear of Charity, she now realized that the best thing to do and probably the most painless in the long run was to march right up to her and confront her. Demanding an explanation was not going to be pretty, but it was exactly what Lily needed to do. She was tired of coming up second best. She was the smartest in her year, so why was she always being treated like some no good piece of garbage that nobody wanted.

As the unforgettable feeling of travelling by floo suddenly overtook Lily, only one other thing was left on her mind. As James' face swirled away, Lily heard one final thing.

_You're a fool. _

xxx

a/n Well, I hope this chapter made up for the last few that weren't so amazing in length. Hopefully you'll bless me with some of your awesome reviews to let me know what you thought of this chapter. I hope some of you are pleased that the voice has returned from it's little vacation, but let me know. Cheers.


	19. Love Will Tear Us Apart

She had weathered worse. Far worse!

She'd boarded a train at the tender age of eleven and left everything she had ever known, for something that very well could have been a well orchestrated practical joke.

She'd fallen off the swing-set down at the neighbourhood park when she was six years old. This incident resulting in a bulky plaster cast that everyone had to grab a marker and sign. She was the star of the primary school. At least for six weeks, until little Andy had appeared with his own war wound and story to share and her cast had been cut away.

She'd lost a friend to illness and many others to growing up.

She'd handled the news of her parent's death, twice!

She was a witch, a warrior, a lover and a fighter.

She could be your best friend, or your worst enemy. It was you decision. You got to decide which side of her you'd get to see, and Charity had decided.

When Lily was expelled from the floo network she was not lucky enough to land on her two feet. Instead she got an up close and personal introduction to the flooring of Loddington House as her face rather roughly came into contact with it. Her hands were extended to brace herself for the fall, but they didn't slow her down enough to prevent the sting in her face where it had made contact. It was just another piece of evidence that proved Lily was muggle-born. The times she used the floo system were very few and far between and so she never became fully accustomed to the odd sensations one was forced to endure while travelling. Needless to say, she much preferred car rides, bicycle trips and even aeroplane flights.

Gently Lily picked herself up off of the ground. She couldn't image the racket she must have made upon her entrance. Maybe, she prayed, the occupants of the house were still fast asleep. After all they had hosted a party the night before, and one that more than likely went into the wee hours of the morning.

True to what James had said, Lily had landed in the Entrance Hall of Loddington House. Lily looked around carefully and sure enough, it was deserted. Which made Lily become overwhelmed with an array of emotions and thoughts. While she wanted to confront Charity, she also didn't. At the same time she wanted to do it right away and be done with it, but was also glad Charity wasn't standing right there because she didn't know exactly what she was going to say. All Lily knew for sure was that eventually she would have to speak with Charity and it would be better for her if she had exactly what she wanted to say, laid out in her mind. That way Charity couldn't easily manipulate her into some other discussion.

Lily was just about to raise her foot and take her first step when she was interrupted by a voice.

"Where have you been?" the voice accused.

Lily's head spun around quickly as she searched all the nooks and crannies for the source of the voice.

The owner of the voice suddenly rose from the shadows, causing Lily to gasp. Charity had been sitting on the upper stair, just tucked away in the shadows. It was not very far away from where Lily had stood as she had watched the incident between James and Charity unravel the night before.

"I guess you didn't hear me, or maybe I just didn't make myself clear. Where were you?" Charity slowly began to make her way down the staircase.

Lily's stomach felt like it had dropped down to her toes. She should have just suffered the glare of the sun on the snow and walked back. At least then she could have just claimed she was out for a walk. Instead she had to now come up with some excuse for how she had appeared out of the floo network, or tell Charity the truth. Neither option was very welcoming at the moment for Lily.

"Are you going to answer me?" Charity breathed. Her tone and entire demeanour had Professor written all over it. Almost begging for Lily to reply with a well fired _no Professor._

Instead of answering Charity, Lily decided to play along with her little game, at least for a little while, "Nowhere."

"How long have you been gone for?" Charity desperately grasped at another angle.

"Oh, a little while," Lily smiled an overly exaggerated smile up at her friend.

Okay, this was bordering on ridiculousness. Lily had to do something, before she quickly lost control of the situation.

What Lily did was march across the open hall and grab Charity's arm.

"Ouch, watch it," Charity grumbled, but she did not protest any further when Lily began to drag her into an empty room off of the hall. Once the door had securely clicked behind them, Lily turned on Charity and let loose the temper that was so commonly associated with red heads.

"Why do you care where I've been?" Lily fired off.

Charity took a step back and it looked like she had been slapped. Her usually spectacular complexion had gone spotty and flushed as the blood ran to her face. It was obvious, she had not been expecting the reaction out of Lily that she had been gifted with. She had likely been expecting to be the domineering one in this fight and Lily had caught her off guard. Luckily for her however, many years of Quidditch training had taught her to think on her feet, and change the plan of attack completely in only a matter of seconds.

"Well, maybe because you're a guest in my house."

"Oh and that gives you the right to rule my life, now does it?"

"And you're my friend. I was worried."

Lily snorted, she couldn't believe those words were coming out of Charity's mouth. Some friend she was. It was one thing to like the same guy as your friend, but when you acted on it. Well, that was a completely new level of low. That thought however made Lily quickly stop in her tracks and hastily back peddle. If she had thought her stomach had dropped earlier, it was nowhere near how low it actually was at that moment. Lily's mind was spiralling out of control as she rapidly tried to piece together everything that was going on. Bile was rising in her throat as she thought about what had given her the right to act on her feelings for James. She was doing the exact thing to Charity that Charity was doing to her. Why was it okay for her to be in a relationship with James, when Charity wasn't allowed to be?

Lily's mind screamed at her that it was okay because she had been with him first, but as she searched her memory bank, Lily really couldn't remember anything that could prove that she and James were together long before Charity had fallen for him. This thought made it feel like she was choking. It would only get worse when she thought about the other reason she had justified what was going on. James liked her and didn't like Charity. Everyone said that James and Lily were destined to be together, so did that make it right that Lily do this to her best friend?

As those thoughts sunk in, Lily too felt like she was sinking. Sinking into deep mud that she would never get out of. It was sucking her under at an alarming rate. She couldn't grab onto anything. She was gasping for air. Air which she could not come across because every time she opened her mouth it filled with the dark, mucky goo that was pulling her under. She tried to spit it out, to get away from it, but the more she fought, the more it pulled her down. She was helpless and she was drowning. She was guilt's prisoner.

What stopped Lily from walking away at that exact moment was the thought that Charity was not going to roll over. If Lily walked away, Charity would run off to James. The thought of James being with Charity was almost more suffocating that her guilt and so Lily knew she had to fight. Ordinarily, friends might call a truce. They would agree to both stay away from the guy, with the thought that if both of them couldn't have him, then neither would. Charity would not be game for that. She would see Lily standing back as permission to proceed and take what she wanted, right out from under Lily's nose. Charity had always been the competitive one, both on and off the Quidditch Pitch. Now it was Lily's turn.

"What, worried because James stood you up last night? Worried because I disappeared, conveniently around the same time that he did?"

"Where were you?" Charity tried again, but this time her voice cracked. It no longer held the strength that it had held before. Her resolve was crumbling as she realized just what had happened. It was maybe even possible that she hadn't pieced the two absences together, until Lily had pointed them out. Now however, it was screaming at her. She knew she was losing. Her ship was going down and she was quickly scrambling for a life raft, anything to keep her a float. She wasn't about to be picky.

Lily was not in this to back down though and so she twisted the knife that she had just lodged point blank into Charity's chest, "Yeah, we had a good night. We spent a long time talking about stuff. Mostly random stuff, but I think you came into the conversation for a bit," Lily was on a role. She was being hurtful but she was beyond caring now. She had been hurt. Everything that had happened to her was coming out now, whether or not it was all Charity's fault, she was about to get the brunt of Lily's emotions.

Charity had nothing to say for once as Lily continued on in her tirade.

"It was a good conversation. A lot of it centred around how James felt like you were in love with him. Imagine that. Imagine my shock. Of course I defended you, I mean you're my friend. A friend would never do something like that now would they?"

Still no reply from Charity. It appeared like she had shrunk down to half her usual height as her shoulders collapsed down as she tried to draw herself in.

Lily was hurting. After what Mrs Potter had said about Charity, it was obvious that James' mother loved her. It was also obvious that she had been less than thrilled that Lily had been James' guest. If it had been Charity in her place however, Lily had a nasty feeling that Mrs Potter would have greeted her and asked her to stay for a late brunch. Her tone had been screaming that Charity was welcome in their home, but Lily was not, and why not? Charity was pureblooded and rich. Everything the wizarding elite loved in a marriage. Why would you marry for love when you could have convenience and money? The wizarding world was like the muggle world, circa 1830.

Now, on top of Lily's anger due to Charity's actions, she was also piling on her hurt that was caused by Mrs Potters words. How could somebody like James, fun-loving James, be of the same flesh and blood as that woman?

"I mean, it's not like I'm worried or anything. James has assured me that he garners no feelings whatsoever for you."

It was not the approach Lily had been planning on using. She had originally intended to be more soft spoken and disappointed sounding as she gently asked Charity why should would do such a thing. Instead Lily had ended up stating confidently what she had suspected to see how badly she could hurt Charity. It was malicious and cruel, but she really was in no mind set to be caring and gentle at the moment. She was hurting.

It would be nice though if Charity stood up and tried to defend herself, just a little. It definitely was making Lily feel a hint of remorse to see Charity slumped over, looking all defeated. On the other hand, if Charity opened her mouth and tried to defend herself, she'd probably let loose something by mistake and that would be more information for Lily to answer her growing number of questions with.

"Aren't you going to say anything? You're looking mighty guilty now. Are you saying that I shouldn't have defended you and that you actually have fallen for him?"

Lily waited for several seconds as she gathered her thoughts and gave Charity the opportunity to reply. Lily wanted answers, and she wasn't getting them. It was so incredibly frustrating.

"Oh," Lily snapped her fingers like a light bulb had just clicked on in her head. When in all actuality she had come to the realization awhile before, "So let me guess, all those times after the accident that you warned me to stay away from James for my own safety was all really for your benefit. You wanted me to think I hated him. You took my memory loss as an opportunity to turn me against James, so you could have him for yourself."

Charity suddenly squared her shoulders and braced herself, "Yes, I played it up. Now are you happy? I wanted you to think you hated him, because it would benefit me. But it also was to protect you. For years you've moaned and groaned about James Potter. Every single thing that ever came out of your mouth against him was a complaint. You hated him. Can you blame me? I liked him, and you have for years stood firmly that you hated James Potter. So what pray tell was wrong with me making a move on the guy you hate? Now why this sudden turn of events? I just think you need to know that who you are now, is not who you've always been. Potter is not your friend. You can't stand him."

"And why am I supposed to believe anything you say anymore?" Lily challenged. She really didn't have any idea what to believe. Did she hate Potter? Did she love him? Was Charity lying or being honest? It felt like Lily's head was being squeezed into a space that was not nearly large enough.

"I think it's time you left," Charity said firmly.

"Gladly," Lily said as she spun on her heel and marched out of the room.

Before she was completely out of earshot she heard Charity shout, "You'll thank me someday. You'll come to realize why you originally thought like you did."

"I highly doubt that," Lily grumbled, but only to herself.

Only when Lily had made it into the chambers she had been staying in did the reality of her situation finally sink in. Where was she supposed to go? She had been staying at Loddington House out of necessity and the holidays were not yet over. There was still two more days until they all had to assemble at King's Cross Station as they prepared to board the Hogwart's Express.

Ironically, the first place that popped to mind was more than likely the last place she was actually welcome. Sure James would let her stay, but Lily could not stand the thought of having to spend two days sitting under the watchful eye of his mother. No, she definitely could not go there.

Rosalyn would not be back until only mere hours before the train blew its final warning whistle, so venturing there was not an option.

Lily had to figure it out quickly, otherwise she would be left to wonder the neighbouring streets without any options. She had to decide where she was going while she was still packing up her stuff, so at least she could use the Loddington's connection to the Floo System to get to her intended destination.

Briefly Lily considered going to her parent's house. It had not been sold yet and she knew where the key had been hidden. The problem with that would be getting to King's Cross Station when the holidays were over. It would be no easy journey. Her parent's had always taken her by vehicle, but that was out of the question, because Lily could not drive and the car had been sold. The issues of transportation had stopped Lily from thinking about the real reason she didn't want to return to her childhood home. The memories would just hurt to much. Especially when she would be tackling them all on her own.

As Lily threw her last pair of rolled up socks into her overflowing trunk, she finally realized where she would go. She couldn't believe she hadn't come up with it sooner. While it wasn't the best arrangement, it was still the best one of all her other options and so Lily set off towards her new destination.

By the time she made it to the doorstep her stomach was growling. Maybe she should have accepted James' offer of food earlier, she couldn't help but muse. It was to late to think of that however, what had unfolded earlier in the morning now seemed like it had occurred eons ago instead of just hours.

Lily pounded on the door that was in front of her with a closed fist and waited. She prayed that the occupants were home. If they weren't, she didn't even want to think about what her next option was going to be.

Much to her relief the door did creak open and the person standing in the shadows was just the person she was hoping to see.

"Lily?" the person exclaimed as they squinted into the oncoming rays of sunlight. They blinked rapidly a couple of times, as if they were trying to clear their vision to make sure they were indeed seeing what they thought they were.

"Yup," Lily summed it up very briefly.

"What are you doing here?" the person's eyes roamed down and widened once they saw what was resting at Lily's feet, "With your trunk? Why aren't you at Charity's? Isn't that where you were supposed to be spending the holidays?"

The questions were fired off in rapid fire mode. One after another, with no breaks in between. The method was designed to wear her down, so they could get the answers they were searching for.

"Got kicked out," Lily said offhandedly, as if it was something she did every day.

"Why?"

"Because I spent the night at James'"

"Potter?"

"Yes Potter," Lily snapped.

"As in..."

"Prongs, or whatever the heck you fools call each other nowadays."

"And you are standing on my stoop."

"Good observation," Lily's sarcasm was beginning to come through as she began to realize how exhausted she was.

"And you need somewhere to stay?"

"Bingo," she really was tired. There was no other explanation for why she was acting like she was.

The person pulled the door open a little bit more and Lily took that as her cue to enter.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

"Can I ask, why you didn't just go to James'? I mean, if you were comfortable enough to spend the night with him?"

"Have you met his mother?"

"Well, come on in, make yourself at home," his reply said it all. Lily obviously wasn't the only one who didn't feel entirely welcome into the Potter home.

As Lily was led into the back of the house he added, "She's really not that bad, once you get passed all the nasty beginning stuff. I mean, she hated the idea of her son being friends with a werewolf, but eventually she got over it. She never got over Sirius however, but he never let that interrupt his fun. You and I both know what he's like."

Lily nodded, however it was to dark in the hall for Remus to actually see the gesture.

"Thanks, I mean, I really didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Not at all. My parents are actually out of town, they can't bring themselves to spend too much time around me you see."

"I'm sorry," Lily said, and she truly was. Here Remus had parents that were alive and healthy and they wanted nothing to do with their own son, just because he had a condition that nobody could control.

Remus proceeded to show Lily around the small, yet cozy cottage. After she had dumped her belongings in the spare bedroom, Remus had called her into the back of the house where the tiny little kitchen was located. The room had no abundance of space, but that was not the first thing Lily noticed upon entering in through the doorway. The overwhelming smell of something amazing cooking

bombarded Lily as soon as she stepped foot in the room. To say she was shocked was an understatement. She didn't know why she was so surprised however, Remus had been clear that his parents didn't spend much time at home with him so obviously he had to fend for himself. It still was odd to consider the bookish boy as a master chef.

"That smells absolutely heavenly," Lily gushed, "what is it?"

"Well, right now, it's just a basic tomato sauce, but later it will be a baked pasta casserole."

While it was nowhere near dinner time, Lily's mouth began to water. She was absolutely starving and the smell was making her stomach hurt. Apparently their was something in her eyes that showed her desperation for something to eat, because Remus walked over to a cupboard and pulled out a bag that contained a loaf of bread.

"It's not going to be ready for awhile, but do you want a sandwich?"

Lily eagerly accepted his offerings and took an enormous bite as soon as the plate had been presented to her.

"What, have they been starving you over on the good side of town?" Remus chuckled because in fact, where Loddington House was located was hours and hours away from where Remus' home was and not just across town.

"Yes, actually they have. I haven't eaten anything since last night."

"Now what sort of gentleman is James, not serving his guest breakfast?" Remus mused, but their was a slight sparkle in his eye.

"You and I both know James to well to call him a gentleman," Lily commented, even though she really didn't know James all that well.

For the rest of the afternoon, Lily helped Remus chop, grate and stir the ingredients for their dinner. As the ingredients sat on the stove to simmer, Remus and Lily chatted about what they had in common, mainly classes and The Marauders. It was really an eye-opener for Lily. She had always felt like she knew Remus fairly well. They had resided in the same tower for many years and had been the studious ones of their House who would be up into the wee hours of the morning perfecting a paper or studying for an exam, while everyone else slept. By those means, they knew each other, but they really had never got down to a more personal level. It was strange, and just demonstrated how quite and private Remus actually was.

What was even stranger was that while Lily didn't know much about Remus, she did know his deepest and darkest secret. She knew that he was a werewolf, having figured it out fairly quickly into their Hogwarts career. On one of her more rebellious nights when she was much younger and stupider, she had confronted him about it and so that was how it came to be that Lily and The Marauders were the only ones to know about his condition.

By the time the dinner hour arrived, Lily felt like she knew Remus on a much deeper level than studious, quite, wolf.

Much to Lily's amazement, the pasta bake tasted more incredible than it looked or smelt. After Lily's first bite she let out a soft moan of pleasure, "And an Italian chef extraordinaire to boot," she chuckled.

Lily went to bed shortly after she helped clean up the mess in the kitchen because her day had been incredibly exhausting. She couldn't wait to get back to school, where all she was required to do was go to class and study. On second thought, however at least it was peaceful and stress free at Remus' place. Charity wasn't present and Remus knew exactly what James was like. He knew he was difficult to be around sometimes, but also incredibly caring if he was attached to the person and it was required of him.

There was no point counting down the minutes until she returned to Hogwarts via the Hogwarts Express. Whether she was dreading it or waiting expectantly for her return, the time would still come either way. All she could do was prepare herself for her return and hope that everything worked out. Unfortunately if the little voice in her head and the recent events had anything to say, it was not going to be a spectacular homecoming.

xxx

a/n well I'll let you be the judge of this. Just a heads up, some 'answers' to Lily's most pressing questions could start appearing by the next chapter so please review, I love reading them ever so much and they may or may not inspire me to get the next chapter going sooner rather than later (hint hint). Cheers


	20. She's In Love With The Boy

"He's cocky and immature, and to top it all off, he thinks he's cute."

"But he can be kind and caring as well," she tried to put up a defence but the attacker would have nothing of it. It was like he had already made up his mind and he wouldn't even glance at the evidence that may prove him wrong. If she was going to speak frankly, she would have to say she agreed with the words that were coming out of the boys mouth. They were the perfect words to describe the boy that they were arguing over.

"To who?" he snorted.

Those words were what welcomed Lily back into the magical world as she boarded the train at King's Cross Station that would take all the students of Hogwarts back to school for their second term of the year.

As soon as Lily had stepped foot on the train with Remus at her side, she had run into none other than her greasy haired pal Snape. Although the name Snape did not roll of her tongue as it should. It felt like she was calling the boy that stood before her by the wrong name, it seemed foreign on her tongue. Never could she call him by his first name. He was the enemy and as a Gryffindor you never addressed the students of Slytherin House by their first name, because a first name meant that you knew that person on a personal level and that was just completely unacceptable.

Snape had immediately pounced on Lily when he saw Remus standing beside her. If Lily was hanging around with one of The Marauders now, it wasn't to far of a stretch to assume she would be hanging out with all of them pretty quickly, and James Potter was a Marauder. A reality that made Snape loose his much treasured sleep at night. Therefore he didn't hesitate to inflict his views upon Lily in regard to his opinion of Potter.

"Come on Lily, we don't need to waste our time with this sort of conversation," Remus grabbed her upper arm and led her down the corridor as they went off in search of a compartment.

As Lily was led away, she looked back over her should and tried to make eye contact with the boy who had until very recently been blocking their path. Eye contact was out of the question however, because the boys eyes had fallen and he turned away. Lily had wanted to shoot him a small smile, just something to reassure him that everything would be okay, but the moment had passed.

Lily and Remus found an empty compartment and pretty quickly it had filled up as three other teenagers filed in. Lily didn't know whether to be thankful or hurt that she didn't run into Rosalyn. It was very obvious that Charity had run into her first and spilled the whole story to their mutual friend, well at least Charity's side of the whole story. It tugged at Lily's emotions rather abruptly because if Rosalyn had have heard what Lily had to say, she suspected the outcome would have been different. Even though Rosalyn had been against Lily and James earlier, Lily simply assumed her feelings would have been slightly different if she didn't have Charity breathing continuously down her neck. It definitely hurt, because due to luck and timing, Lily now didn't have both of her girl friends, and she was stuck in a compartment with four boys that in a previous life she would not have been caught dead hanging around with.

Hellos were exchange and everyone chatted freely about nothing in particular for a while as the train proceeded to pick up speed. Eventually when the conversation began to die down, Lily pulled out a book and opened it but her mind was really to far away to actually process the type on the page. Instead she mindlessly flipped through it as those around her talked about everything that was not the giant elephant in the room.

The train chugged its way through the countryside and past small villages and the whole while Lily grew more and more anxious.

Rather abruptly James stood up. The tattered piece of blank parchment that had been spread out across his lap went fluttering to the floor as a consequence of his hastily planned movements. Instead of just ignoring it and stepping over it like Lily thought at first he was going to do, he crouched down and delicately picked it up. As he regained his full height he brushed off any invisible debris that may have come into contact with the tattered mess.

Without a single word of explanation James pushed open the compartment door and proceeded to close it sharply behind him. The door did not make it to its final resting place however before a hand shot out and stopped it moving in its tracks.

The hand belonged to a boy that Lily knew very little about, even though she had been attending the same classes and living in the same dorm as him for years. He was a short boy and what he lacked in height he made up for in girth. Lily didn't think he had said more than two complete words since she had entered the carriage several hours before. For those last hours, Lily couldn't help but think that Peter or Wormtail as his friends called him for some unexplained reason reminded her of something. Not someone necessarily, but something. As he scampered out of the compartment after James, Lily finally realized the association her brain had been trying desperately to make.

A rat! In more ways than one, between his odd appearance and shifty personality Lily felt like he resembled a terrible rodent and a person who could not be trusted. Lily however did not have any reason beyond her gut feeling to not trust the boy. James trusted him and so did Remus and so that was enough for Lily.

Now that the compartment door had a clear path, it closed softly with only the faintest wisp of a click. The three remaining occupants of the compartment sat silently for a few seconds until Sirius took it upon himself to break the silence.

"So..." he drawled with a smirk on his face.

"Oh mate," Remus groaned, "can't you ever just appreciate a moment of silence."

"Nope," Sirius replied cheekily, "especially when my dear, the absolutely gorgeous Ms Evans is sitting right beside me," he reached out an arm as he spoke and wrapped it around Lily's shoulders, pulling her close to him, "and she has a lot of explaining to do as to why I walk into my mate's place and find her curled up next to him, sound asleep. Did you know that Moony my friend?"

"You don't have to answer to him Lily," Remus said gently, "he's just being nosey and he doesn't know when to mind his own business."

Lily managed a small smile in Remus' direction. As much as Remus may have thought Sirius was being a bother, Lily had to admit she thought otherwise. Even though she'd been around the Marauder's in passing for six years she had never really become especially close with any of them. That was all slated to change it appeared. Who would have ever predicted that she would be sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express with Remus, Sirius, James and Peter-The Marauders-and that she wasn't in a state where she was wanting to claw her eyes out. She almost hated to admit it, but she was almost enjoying herself. Almost being the key word there. Sirius actually was pretty comical and once you got passed being offended, he was pretty easy to be around. Then there was James and that was a whole other story.

Lily wasn't quite sure about what was currently running through the raven-haired boys brain, but it was definitely making her uncomfortable the way he was acting. Sure he had acknowledged her and everything when they had entered the compartment originally, but he hadn't made any move to sit beside her. Instead he sat across from her and next to Remus. He talked to her in passing, but only when the conversation dictated it. It was rather awkward and Lily did not know quite what to make of it. Again it was beginning to feel like they were taking more steps backwards than forwards.

All in all, it was a reasonably good experience as far as train rides went. For Lily, if she hadn't have sidled up with an odd acting James and his friends, she would have been stuck with her ex-girlfriends in a compartment or more likely, left to wander the corridor alone for hours. Neither of those two options seemed to inviting to Lily and so she was thankful for what she had. Maybe it was time to make so new friends after six years, and maybe it would be best to stick with the opposite sex. Therefore there would hopefully be less drama, especially in regard to two friends liking the same person, but you could never know.

"Oh Moony," Sirius let out a long, slow dramatic sigh. In the process he let his shoulders crumble in and his head sunk down to his chest. It appeared that he had deflated, "You can't honestly tell me that you aren't just as curious as I am."

"Nope," Remus grinned rather cheekily in Sirius direction. This earned him a scowl that would have made any spoiled four year old proud.

Completely forgotten from the exchange, Lily was tucked away in the corner-having freed herself from Sirius' clutches-chuckling to herself.

"I know all I need to know," Remus twisted the knife around in Sirius' gut just a little bit more as he planted the seed in Sirius' mind that Lily had trusted him and only him enough to tell him the whole tale and every last gory detail. When in fact it was still quite far from the truth.

The next overexagerated pose that came from the cheap seats was one of Sirius' jaw falling slack and landing somewhere near his neckline.

"She told you..." Sirius trailed off with the shocked look still plastered across his gorgeous face.

Before Remus had a chance to answer and say that no she really hadn't said much, but he was smart enough to figure the entire picture out, he was cut off, by none other than Lily herself.

"Yes, I did," why couldn't she have a little fun with Sirius Black? "And I can tell you too...for a small...teeny...tiny...price," it was hard to hold back her laughter.

Sirius had turned on her and was just about foaming at the mouth. He looked exactly like a pooch that had not been fed in days. Lily took this as enough encouragement for her to continue on with the requirements of their deal.

"I tell you, but you have to tell me the real reason behind the stupid names you call each other," it really was a stupid deal. Sirius knew exactly why Lily was on James' couch, and Lily knew, or at least thought she knew pretty much why the boys had their little pet names that they called each other, but Sirius didn't know that.

At first Sirius grinned as a signal to say, bring it on and so Lily did just that. She quickly tacked on an extra clause, "I want the whole truth, because I've heard all your half-baked stories before."

Sirius' face fell-his facial muscles were definitely getting a work out-as he realized that Lily was treading in very dangerous territory around their very illegal secret. The way she was hinting at there being more to the story than what everyone else believed to be true, terrified Sirius, to put it mildly.

"I think that would have to be something James tells you himself and so I'll leave our deal there," Sirius backed down rather gracefully. He hoped James wouldn't tell Lily, but he had a horrible nagging feeling that his friend was so head of heels for this girl that he would tell her anything, regardless of how incriminating it turned out to be. Sirius could only hope that James could hold off until James and Lily were a very secure couple and so if they did break up, Lily wouldn't run off and use her knew found knowledge as a means for blackmail. That was all out of Sirius' control, however.

While those thoughts were running through Sirius' head, Lily found herself mulling over her own ideas and theories. She had suspected that The Marauder's were harbouring a secret. What was strange was that Sirius hadn't given in, considering the conditions of their deal. Which led Lily to believe that what the four friends were hiding was much more than just a school boy misconduct. Now more than ever, she wanted to find out what their terrible little secret was.

Slipping back into the conversation again Lily said softly in an almost remorseful tone, "I guess I'll never know then," she almost left it at that but then thought what the heck and tacked on, "considering he hasn't said all of two words to me since I sat down in this compartment."

"I thought he was your boyfriend now," Sirius said in a tone that made it hard to tell if he was truly confused about their relationship status, or actually being extremely sarcastic.

"He is not my boyfriend," Lily replied rather sharply.

"Oh I see, we're going to fall back into that stupid game that you two had going on for years," Sirius snorted.

"He has never been my boyfriend and I would never have said that, because according to everyone I absolutely hated him, Plus I can't control what he wants to do with his life. It's up to him. If I'm a part of his future, great, if not, well then I guess I'll be fine that way as well," Lily trailed off, not fully believing what she was saying.

Nobody said anything as the seconds ticked by rather loudly on Remus' bulky wristwatch. Eventually Sirius broke the silence, "He's my mate and all, and I know one's not supposed to go against what a mate wants them to say or do, but trust me, he'll come around," and he left it at that.

As the train pulled into the station and the students began to pile out onto the platform, Lily felt herself searching above the sea of heads in search of one dishevelled haired boy. It was a rather easy task, considering as an upper year student, she and James had both gone through their growth spurts that many of the other younger students had yet to experience. She couldn't find him, she hadn't seen him since he had stalked out of the compartment earlier with Peter in his wake. He had not returned for the remainder of the trip.

The other odd thing about the train ride was the company she had spent it with. Remus and Sirius, two people she had known for so long, but still knew so little about. If she was to be honest, she would have to admit that she had truly enjoyed her time with Remus, and even Sirius for that matter. What little time she had had with James had been good, since just being in his presence always made her heart skip a beat for better or for worse, but that short amount of time had been awkward. Something was up. How come he acted differently when it was just them around, compared to when his friends were present.

Then their was Sirius' final comment, on how he believed James would come around. Lily wanted to hold him to that thought. Being that he was James' best mate, it was probably safe to assume that he knew James best, but one could never know.

After arriving back at the castle, the students quickly flocked in through the doors of the Great Hall in anticipation of a great feast of foods they had been deprived of for to long in everyone's eyes. The chatter abundant and the noise level close to deafening as the student's both young and older recounted their tales of holiday festivities to those that had remained behind at the castle over the break.

While Lily felt like she was starving, she only actually picked at her food. While she normally liked onions and ham, they just weren't doing it for her mixed together into one odd looking dish. Somethings you just shouldn't mix. It had to be the first time on record that the House Elves had screwed up a dish, or maybe it was just Lily's emotions playing on her because everyone around her was shovelling down the food by the heaping spoonful.

As the food was pushed unceremoniously around her plate, Lily kept a constant eye up on the staff table, and the other down to the very end of the Gryffindor House Table, to where Charity and Ross were huddled close together. Lily was currently sitting flanked between Sirius and Remus, with James and Peter across from her and it felt like the worlds order was wrong. She might as well have been sitting at the Slytherin Table for all the odd looks she was receiving from people.

Every so often she would see out of the corner of her eye, Charity or Rosalyn laugh animatedly and then sneak a quick look over in her direction. Suddenly Lily felt like she couldn't take it any longer. She had been waiting for Professor McGonagall to stand up and exit the hall, but she couldn't wait any longer. She was suffocating and needed to get out. She'd wait for McGonagall outside of her office.

Lily bunched up her napkin and tossed it on top of her pulverized meal which earned her a look of disgust from Sirius.

"Oh, I was going to eat that if you weren't going to," he moaned. He was at that stage in his life where he had about four hollow legs and could never get enough food into his body. Maybe if he would stop bouncing around and just sit still he wouldn't burn as many calories and therefore wouldn't need to eat as much, Lily had to muse.

"There is a whole other fresh tray of it sitting right there," Lily muttered and pointed at the new steaming casserole dish that lay directly in front of Sirius.

The boy beamed, like he had been given his Christmas presents a day early and dug into the piping hot food.

Lily's exit went mostly unnoticed after that as she slipped out from between the two boys and exited the hall in the midst of a group of chatty Ravenclaw girls who were discussing whether or not it was better to vacation in the south of France or Italy. All Lily could do was shake her head. Who were these people?

Just as Lily had suspected, she had to wait outside of McGonagall's office while the Professor finished her meal and then proceeded on with some other nightly tasks she had to accomplish before returning to her office for the night.

The older woman found Lily sitting with her back up against the wall facing the closed door and so she invited her in. She couldn't even imagine what the poor girl had to tell her so badly that it had demanded that she leave supper early. As she had been eating herself, she had noticed Lily had been situated in a different spot during dinner and that she had not raised more than a bite or two of her food to her lips. It was a good possibility that they were in for a long night.

McGonagall leaned against her high backed chair. Her hands were clasped tightly in front of her as she let out a well drawn out sigh. It looked to Lily like she had aged significantly just over the Christmas holidays, although she had to admit if she was questioned she would never be able to pinpoint the exact age of her Head of House.

Lily had been back at Hogwarts for only a little bit and already she was feeling lost. Dazed and confused had to be the two best adjectives to describe her current state of turmoil.

"Professor," Lily mumbled, but her tone elicited so much more meaning than word did. The word fell out of her mouth in a gentle wine as Lily begged for answers. The answers that she had not been granted every other time she had pleaded for them. This time however was slightly different, because there was a slight crack in McGonagall's resolve. It was so tiny it could not be seen by anyone, McGonagall herself was even almost not aware of its existence. If words and emotions were fired strategically at that small fissure it just might break under the pressure, but only time could tell for certain.

The Professor stepped carefully around her chair and simultaneously pulled it out from where it had been tucked under the desktop. After gathering up her robes and pulling them into a comfortable position for sitting, she shifted herself onto the hard-bottomed seat. Leaning forward she placed her right elbow on the wooden surface before her and ever so gently she rested her chin into her opened palm, while her fingers delicately graced the side of her well defined cheekbones. Only then did she look to be the caring mentor that she was to Lily, instead of the notorious hard-liner that she was to the general student population of Hogwarts.

"Ahh, Lily Evans, my dear," the Professor sighed yet again.

Out of the corner of Lily's eye a lone, glistening tear began to wind its path down the contours of her pale, freckled face. Once it reached her chin it hovered for a moment, contemplating the fall it was about to take before it finally let go.

McGonagall nudged a box of tissues towards Lily, but by the time she reached for one of the stark white material the tear had dropped. All she was left to mop up was the trail that the droplet had taken. It was just perfectly befitting to how Lily's life was unfolding before her. Somehow she always felt like she was a step behind, that others knew things before she did and so forth. It was by no means an easy life to live. Especially when you had nobody around who you could trust to support you.

Lily didn't have nobody. Currently she was sitting in a room with one of the wisest women she had ever met. If anybody was going to be able to help her it was the lady sitting on the other side of the desk.

"Lily, what's the worst part. Let's start there. I know the list probably goes on forever, but it's a place to start," McGonagall prompted.

A little prompting could go a long way, and it turned out to be all the encouragement that Lily happened to need.

"I don't even know anymore. I can't keep anything straight anymore. I'm absolutely exhausted and I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I can't go anywhere. My brain never calms down. I'm just exhausted and so, so, so stressed out. I've tried to push it to the back of my mind but I can't ignore it any longer. Returning to the castle just brought everything all rushing back. I don't know what to do. I need help," Lily ended her pleading speech with a sharp sob, followed by an odd sounding hiccup. She'd done it, she'd finally caved and asked for help. Sure all along she had indeed been getting help from Professor McGonagall, but never had she begged for assistance when she had fallen down so low. It was truly a testament to how desperate she was feeling.

The next few minutes consisted of a mixed jumble of words being spewed out of Lily's mouth at an alarming rate. Once the flood gates had opened, there was no stopping what was about to push through. It had all been contained for too long. Sure she had talked a bit with James and even Remus, as well as lashing out at Charity, but there was nothing quite like finally giving in and talking to somebody who was older and most definitely more wiser than she herself was. Before Lily knew it she was on a roll and McGonagall just sat patiently, waiting for it all to wind down so she could put her two bits in.

"There's James and Rosalyn and Charity and Petunia and Snape and James and Charity and James and..." she rambled on, listing her problems off one by one, she ticked them off on her finger to ensure that she had not missed anybody or anything.

The sky outside the office windows had turned from an inky black to a brilliantly bright glow as the moon moved out from behind of set of dark, forbidding clouds. While it was not incredibly late, the fact that night fell much sooner in the winter always made Lily yearn for a cozy place to cuddle up in, and maybe even a person to cozy up to for warmth if she was lucky. But Lily Evans was never lucky. Luck had been against her for a long time and there was no end in sight.

"It's just...I wish...I wish there was some certainty. I know there really never is any for sure in life, but I just feel so lost right now and it would be nice to have a bit of assurance that something good is going to come out of this, or at the very least, assurance that things aren't going to get worse. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm completely and utterly alone it feels."

"You're not alone Lily," McGonagall broke her silence due to her concern that maybe Lily was indeed about to reach her wits end. It made her nervous to hear her student talking about feeling like there was no hope because when people thought that way nothing good ever came out of it. When all hope was lost, people had nothing to live for. It was McGonagall's job therefore to prove to Lily that she did indeed have things to look forward to. She needed to show her that yes, she definitely had things to look forward to. McGonagall was going to give her some hope. Even though she had vowed before to let Lily work things out on her own.

McGonagall exhaled and contemplated how she was going to say what she was about to say to her student. She had to come up with the proper words sooner rather than later because Lily was rambling on, showing just how deep she was in her hole.

"So Charity got to Ross first and so now I'm not just down one friend but two."

Half of what Lily was saying made little sense to McGonagall, but she was only there for moral support. A task that could easily be fulfilled by smiling and nodding in all the right places.

"And then I run into Snape. I don't understand him sometimes."

McGonagall didn't want to just smile and nod however, Lily was to special of a person to be treated like that.

"And then I had to spend the entire train ride with The Marauders."

It sure sounded like Lily had had one dandy of a day. No wonder she was sitting in McGonagall's office, shredding a tissue into narrow strips as she hiccuped her way through her dilemmas.

"And it shocks me but Sirius isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be. You just kind of need to know how to work around him and manipulate him a little bit. Getting to know him was actually one of the good things that came out of this horrid day."

The Professor had to stifle a chuckle. What Lily was saying definitely held true in regard to Sirius Black, a teachers worse nightmare, but the most loyal friend a person could ever have. At least that was the impression McGonagall had got from him after teaching him for six years.

"But then after I spend the night with James, he all but ignores me completely for the entire train ride. Even going as far as stalking out of the compartment and not coming back. All to avoid me. I don't understand him."

To say that McGonagall was shocked to hear Lily reveal that she and James had not just had a civil conversation between themselves, but that they had spent the night willingly under the same roof, would have been the understatement of the century.

"It's confusing because he acted one way when we were alone, but then when his friends came into the picture it was like he couldn't be bothered."

_Maybe he's hurting too,_ a little voice in the back of McGonagall's brain had begun firing out little titbits of advice.

"Everyone tells me that he has been head over heels in love with me for years. So why can't he just show it now?"

McGonagall knew she had to tell Lily the truth, but she didn't want to interrupt the story that was unfolding before her. It was getting rather interesting and McGonagall couldn't help but want to know more.

"Was it all a game for him, and now that he's realized I'm interested in him, he scampers away?"

Lily hadn't even began to touch on the issue's regarding Charity and James, and already she was finding herself extremely wound up.

"Why do I fall for him now, when he's obviously not interested anymore? Why couldn't I have fallen for him when he was chasing after me?"

McGonagall knew it was the time to act, "Honey, you didn't just fall for James, you've been in love with him for years and he knew that. He most certainly knew that."

Lily's head began to spin as she began to process what her Professor had just revealed to her. In one fluid motion she stood up and in a daze she walked out the door. She could hear that McGonagall was trying to call her back, to talk things over with her, but she was not in a state of mind to be listening to instructions or even suggestions about how she should handle the news.

The first question that rose to the forefront of Lily's mind was, had James and her been a couple, or was she just in love with him? It was the same question she had asked back when she was lying in the Hospital Wing unaware of what had happened or would happen in her life, and she still had no real and satisfactory answer to it.

xxx

a/n Well I realized last weekend that it has been ages since I wrote anything and that surprised me because this whole story has been leading up to this moment where McGonagall reveals Lily's secret to her, therefore I thought I would be really keen to write it. Turns out I wanted so badly for this chapter to be perfect that I just set it aside because I knew that it wasn't the right time to write the perfect chappie. Then the movie came out and I went to see it on Monday and I knew that would be enough inspiration and I was right. However, it took me multiple nights of writing because I wrote this chapter in 3 blocks and then had to somehow connect them together. All in all it turned out that this chapter took a lot longer to write than I had hoped, but it also was about double the length that I thought it would be. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and I hope you are too.

P.S. I just had to include a little Snape/Lily interaction after the way 7.2 portrayed Snape's memories. That was so incredibly sad and touching. I gave me a whole knew respect for Snape that I honestly didn't feel for him when I was reading the books. What do you guys think of the movie? Are you sad it's over? I can't believe that there will be no more HP. Hopefully fanfic keeps it alive, but even then the number of new HP stories isn't as great as it used to. Makes me really sad and I wish so badly that it wasn't winding down. I'm not ready to say goodbye.


	21. If You're Going Through Hell

_You've been in love with him for years...You've been in love with him for years...You've been in love with him for years._

Those eight simple words, if they were to stand alone they would be meaningless, an array of hisses and grunts escaping from the lips of an individual. They had not stood alone however, instead they had flowed out of the Professors mouth in a smooth and well thought out phrase that was truly life changing for Lily.

As Lily tore through the castle, one corridor after another, with only the occasional staircase jumping in her way, those sounds that had rocked Lily emotionally kept replaying in her mind. It was not the usual soft, kind voice that one usually had when their own little voice spoke to them. Instead it was a loud and thundering voice that was causing Lily's head to pound, inviting her hands up to her temple were they currently pressed, trying to quiet the war that was raging inside.

_You've been in love with him for years...You've been in love with him for years._

Those words were so significant to Lily and she couldn't help but be furious at her mentor for not sharing that little bit of helpful knowledge much sooner in her struggles. Eight simple words could have stopped heartache in its tracks as it marched along relentlessly on its journey to complete domination. What had instead occurred was that words that could have healed if spoken earlier, were now doing almost as much damage as if they hadn't been heard at all.

_You've been in love with him for years...You've been in love with him for years...You've been in love with him for years._

Lily just wanted to scream. She was so tired of it all. Just plain exhausted. The stress of the unknown was causing her to loose sleep and she was on the verge of dropping significant weight because her appetite was just not there any longer.

The worst part about this new found information was that it really didn't clear up anything. All it managed to do was pose more questions that Lily was far from having the answers to. The biggest one still though had not changed, it was still, why was he acting the way he currently was?

As Lily's feet propelled her forward, her mind shut down in regard to her surroundings. She could have been running through the most beautiful place in the world, or the ugliest and it wouldn't have fazed her one bit.

Eventually she had to stop running though, and it wasn't due to lack of effort. She had climbed every staircase and outrun every corridor to find herself leaning against the farthest wall of the Astronomy Tower.

It was a good place for her to have landed. Due to it being so far out of the way, and requiring so much energy to get to, not many students ventured to the tallest tower just to have a look around. The only people that tackled the staircases upon staircases were those in dire need of a little space. It was a place to get away, and luckily enough for Lily, nobody else was in need of some alone time at that minute.

The air was chilly, and a dampness hung restlessly throughout the room but the elements did not bother Lily who had far greater things on her mind. It took her a good couple of minutes to realize that she was shivering, which was the hint for her to pull her cloak more tightly around her and fasten it.

She sat down on the low stone ledge and drew her knees up close to her chest. This served a dual purpose, to warm her and to comfort her. Two things that a man should do. That connection had rocketed through her brain before she had the chance to stop it. Only making her sink lower into her well of self pity. But she had a man, sometimes, only when he felt like it and only when it was convenient to him it appeared. This confused Lily to no end. It had come to a point that her life resembled a muggle book that she used to sneak peeks at when nobody was looking, far more than a real humans life.

She wanted answers, no she needed them. She yearned for the truth, for somebody just once to tell her straight to her face what was actually happening. But that would never happen, it was simply wishful thinking because everyone had their own agendas. They lived in a world where it was everybody for themselves.

As Lily rocked back and forth-her body's attempt at staying warm-she issued a silent prayer for it to all end, right there. It was just getting to be more than she could handle. To end it all would be so simple. She could do it quickly, before she had a chance to change her mind or contemplate the possibility of pain. Yes, some things were done best quickly.

Luckily enough for Lily and any of her future offspring, her thoughts were quickly interrupted by a set of footsteps pounding their way up the last staircase. By the sounds of it, the owner of the feet was moving at a rapid pace which meant that it was not just somebody looking for a little time and space to themselves.

For a fleeting moment a though flashed through Lily's mind. She could do it right then, no more thinking, just do it. Let herself go.

All she had to do was lean over and stop holding herself back, just let her body fall. She was in the perfect position to do just that. One small shift and she could have it over with in a matter of seconds, before she could have time to think. It would be easy, but the footsteps were getting louder. The owner of the feet had sped up, almost as if they knew that there was not any seconds to spare.

Louder and louder, and more insistent, the person was almost there. Lily had to make a decision or what should have been better termed _the decision, _because it was the most life altering decision of her life.

Without even thinking about anything, Lily felt her body shift and her legs swing around so that her one foot was dangling over the edge. It swung back and forth, back and forth below her and she watched it as if it were a pocket watch being swung by a hypnotist. A very morbid hypnotist.

"LILY!" the scream was laced with terror and it broke the eerie silence that up until that moment had been blanketing the empty tower room.

The shock of the voice yelling at her even though she knew somebody was approaching her, sent her teetering precariously close to the edge. The last thing one should do was startle somebody who was hanging off the side of a tower.

Lily did not have a chance to catch herself and regain her balance however as she suddenly felt herself lurch and then tumble off the ledge that she had been resting on. Suddenly her body was horizontal and her hands instinctively shot out to brace herself on the hard surface that was rising up towards her at an incredibly quick rate.

With a thump she landed hard and in a heap.

"LILY!" the person screamed again. It was obvious that his emotions had taken over. He looked like a basket-case.

"James, don't you ever scare me like that again," Lily growled from her heap on the dirty Astronomy Tower floor. She was extremely sore and would probably be black and blue in the morning, but at least she hadn't fallen the other way. Now that everything was said and done with, she was rather happy she hadn't simply let herself free fall over the side of the tower. That moment of panic when James had grabbed her by the shirt tails and yanked her back inside had scared her enough into realizing that really she wasn't ready to take things that far. Luckily enough for her, James had been there to yank her back when she just about fell over the wrong edge. Unluckily for her, James had startled her so badly with his scream that she had jumped out of her skin and almost took a fatal tumble.

"Scare you?" he growled back at her, but he didn't vocalize the last part of his sentence, the part that both he and Lily were thinking. _If you hadn't been sitting there in the first place, I wouldn't have had to yell._

James' face was flushed and his fear was being converted into anger which he was just about ready to take out on Lily. Who while this was occurring was trying to pick her aching body up off of the hard stone surface that she had landed on.

"What in the world were you doing? You could have died."

_Well, that may have been the point,_ Lily thought but never said. She was ashamed. Ashamed that she had even contemplated what she had, and ashamed that it had even come to that point.

"Can you not see what could have happened to you. Open your eyes will you. You were perched on the edge of a tower that soars hundreds of feet in the air, with nothing between you and the ground but...well nothing. Nothing! Don't you get it? What could possibly come into your head that told you that was a good idea?"

Lily felt as if she was being lectured by a parent, such as when she was no more than six years old and she had run inside on a hot summer day soaking wet from the sprinkler that she had set up in the back garden. She had left a trail of puddles through the kitchen, down the back hall and halfway up the stairs. She couldn't understand at the time why her father had been so angry. She had never in her life seen him that angry and it was just over a little water on the floor. But as she got older, and in hindsight she came to realize that it wasn't so much that she would wreck the floor or even the carpet, but that she would slip and fall and seriously injure herself.

Well, Lily was now looking in hindsight at her actions and it was becoming startlingly clear that was she had done was not just stupid, but dangerous and selfish as well. This realization only added to Lily's now burning feeling of shame and guilt.

Pretty quickly James came to the realization that maybe Lily hadn't just been sitting on the edge of the ledge for fun. That maybe there had been something else going on, and so he vocalized that to her. His voice now hoarse, yet still raw with emotions, "What could possibly be so bad that you felt like you needed to do...to do...that? That's what you were trying to do wasn't it? You were about to do it?" he couldn't however put what Lily was about to do into words.

He'd definitely opened a can of worms there and it was a bottomless can. Nobody could be quite sure what was about to come streaming out of it.

Lily didn't know quite what to say, nor did she know if she truly wanted to say anything at all. If all the drama surrounding James had pushed her this far, then maybe it was just better off for her sanity and now apparently her safety as well that she stayed away from him. As that thought stormed through her brain, another part started screaming at her that there was absolutely no way she could just walk away from James. Already she felt like she had invested to much time in this ordeal to simply get up and walk away. But what was next then?

"Talk to me Lily?" James breathed, the colour of his face had transformed back into a more normal tone, and internally his heart rate had slowed down to a dull roar.

"That's just it," Lily cried out in despair, "it's always me talking. I talk at you and you never divulge anything really meaningful it feels like. Then just when I think I have you figured out you pull some insanely stupid stunt like what you did on the train and then later at supper. I mean what was that? Every step forward I take with you ends up costing me more and more. I just can't take it anymore. You know how I feel. I know you do, but you just won't..." she didn't even know what to say. How could she word it? Could what she was feeling even be put into words?

He couldn't deny that he knew how she felt now, McGonagall had said so herself that James definitely knew how Lily felt. How he knew this only added another piece to Lily's growing mound of questions. This issue brought her straight back to her initial question when she had first seen him after having her memory wiped. Who was James really? Who was he to her? Was he her boyfriend, her crush or her enemy?

The emotions that were currently coursing through Lily's body felt like they were about to set her on fire. She was so angry and not to mention hurt and ashamed.

James remained silent through Lily's rant, even failing to make eye contact with the hot headed, red head. His shoes were the most interesting thing in the room, as he could not seem to draw his eyes away from them. Even a brief glance by an outsider could tell almost instantly that James Potter was experiencing almost the same emotions that Lily was feeling. The only difference was how they were letting those emotions control themselves.

"I can't take this," Lily huffed as she repeated her earlier comment, simply because it appeared to her like James had not heard or taken in a single word that she had said. This only added fuel to her fire. He was managing to make her case for her, without even saying a word.

Lily felt like screaming at James, begging him to speak. To say something. Anything would do really. Her blood was pumping and the adrenalin from her scare was still coursing through her blood stream at an alarming rate.

'If you can't at least give me the courtesy of saying something now then I guess I'll be on my way," as much as Lily's pride had been destroyed by what she had been about to do, she tried to suck up what little of it that she had remaining and make a graceful exit.

That was the key to unlocking James' silence, "What, no thank you for saving your life? I hope you realize just how close you were to tumbling off the wrong side of that ledge. Do you know how stupid you were?"

"No thanks to you, I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't have come storming in here, scaring me so badly that I jumped out of my skin. Besides maybe it's just time I realized that I'm wasting my time. All you manage to do is cause me unnecessary turmoil and heartache," apparently after all that, Lily was not quite done yet, as she still had a few more key points that she wanted to throw out there. Or maybe it wasn't so much she had stuff to say to him, but more that she was searching for things to say in order to keep herself from having to walk away forever.

James' head started to sink down again as he tried to avoid eye contact.

"I mean one minute I think everything is great. We act like a couple and I feel like you respect me and I can trust you. Mainly, I feel like you're my boyfriend. Then you go and do something so stupid I can't even put it into words. I don't know why you did it or what your intentions were. All I know is I keep getting hurt and you keep walking away, making me look like the fool here. Frankly, I'm sick and tired of this," she waved her hands around to put emphasis on the fact that she wouldn't have been teetering on a ledge, high up in the air if it wasn't for him.

"I don't know why you do what you do. It really bothers me because all I can remember is that you have been crazy in love with me for years. Now why this? Why the change of events? I don't need forever," her voice suddenly softened and took on a more nostalgic tone. She was playing the guilt card. The last tool in her arsenal kit she had before she had to pack it in and call it a day. She had wanted answers, maybe she would never get them. As every minute passed it seemed that the real honest truth was going to continue to elude her for the rest of her life. She was just going to have to accept that she would know why he had done what he had done. She had to accept it, or it would kill her.

"I don't need forever; I don't need you to get down on one knee right here, right now. I just want a bit of assurance that what we have happening between us is real and that you aren't going to run away anymore. I want something more, no I need it and I deserve it. I want to be able to sit down and talk to you about anything I want to. I want now to be the best time of my life and if you can't give that to me well…" she shook her head sadly, showing that she couldn't even put into words what that thought meant to her. She could only hope that her words had finally sunk in through James' apparently uncommonly thick skull. She had nothing left to lay out on the table.

"The thing is," James for the first time pulled his eyes up and made direct eye contact with Lily, "forever is a very long time."

"I don't need a promise of forever right now," she all put whispered, "I just want to know that you'll be here for me tomorrow when I need you."

"I wouldn't be opposed to forever," James murmured as he finished up his sentence that Lily had interrupted him during when she had jumped to conclusions.

Those words had barely sunk in for Lily when she said, "You can't just say that and expect everything to be okay. A lot has happened and it's to much to just get over simply because you said some super romantic line. Frankly you've said stuff like that before to me, and stupid me but I believed you," and it had been a super romantic line. One of those that just seemed to make you melt in your shoes and swoon. Why was it that every girl dreamt of having a guy spout off those lines to her, but here when it was really happening it didn't seem so dream worthy?

"I know, you wanted to talk so let's talk. You wanted communication, well here it is. The truth, only the truth this time."

"But how do I know that it's going to be for real this time and that you aren't going to pull the same stunts that you have been puling previously?" Lily refrained from stomping her foot down, just to show where her feelings truly were. It was hard, but she did manage to keep both feet firmly planted to the floor.

In response to Lily's inquiry, James responded with, "For goodness sakes you can never be one-hundred percent certain of anything. You have to just go with what feels right. Now does this feel right to you?"

What was the answer to that question, Lily had to wonder? It would of course be a complex answer. No, she did not feel like this was right because time had proven to her that things didn't run smoothly when James and Lily were linked together by any means. On the other hand she felt like she should say yes. Yes, because she really wanted it to be right. She wanted it more than anything, but wanting something was completely different from having something and you didn't simple get something just because you wanted it badly enough.

The fact that James had raised his voice and demonstrated that he was standing up for something, instead of rolling over and submitting to whatever Lily was saying was probably the reason that Lily didn't turn and march herself back down the winding staircases. Something in his voice resonated in Lily's brain saying that something was different. Maybe he had realized what he was missing out on or about to miss out on if he didn't get his act together. Lily hoped it was a turning point, because she really didn't want to have to walk away from him.

"James, I want this to feel right. I want to so badly. I can only hope that I'm not letting myself down by feeling this way. You're right. We need to sit down and talk. Take as long as we need, no interruptions and figure this out. No more wasting our time mulling over the issues with Charity or my memory loss and so on, this just needs to be about us. We need to straighten our own mess out now. Get all of the questions answered and uncover all the truths to our questions."

"We need a plan."

"Exactly," Lily nodded, "we've talked before and I've felt like when that's happening we're all good. Then something happens and we go backwards. I want to know why, because only then can I try and correct that mistake so it will never happen again. I don't want to go backwards ever again with you, because I fear if we do turn that way, I'm not going to be able to give it another shot. I mean how many times can you try and fail at something before you stop and admit that maybe it's just not meant to be?"

"We're meant to be," James continued on with his romantic one liners.

"I hope so."

"It's late, too late for either of us to be making any important decisions."

"Yes, it's probably best if we get some sleep," Lily agreed but her comment sounded hollow to herself. She didn't feel like sleep was on the agenda for her anytime soon. She was still incredibly wound up from everything that had happened, and everything that was slated to occur in the near future.

"Well then," James muttered awkwardly. He didn't quite know how he was supposed to act. Ironically, that had always been the main problem he had to face around Lily. It had most likely been his downfall and what had led to the situation he was currently trying to dig himself out of. If only there were a handbook to instruct people on what to do and say to make a relationship successful. It truly astonished James that with all the brilliant people out there in the world, nobody had come up with a proper solution to a problem that plagued almost every person, every day of their lives.

After realizing that neither one of them had anything more to say to each other until they got some rest, the two teens departed from the tower classroom and started to make their way back to the Gryffindor Tower.

They walked in silence, side by side. Neither touching nor very far away. The space between their two bodies was minimal, but neither was comfortable enough to close that gap. Especially considering the way things had been working out for them. So far their relationship seemed to be a prime example of rushing into things and then getting cold feet and scurrying away in the opposite direction. It was time they just took things slow. They needed time to get their questions answered and sort out their feelings for each other.

Silence surrounded the two students as they walked through the dark and gloomy halls of the castle. They had traveled over half the distance to their dormitories when Lily finally broke the silence and slowed her pace down. She wanted to make sure she saw James' reaction to her next question because she had a feeling he wasn't going to be completely honest.

"Care to share with me how you knew I was up in the tower?"

She had figured out many of the Marauder's secrets, but there was just one thing that she could not seem to unearth the answer to and that was why did they always seem to know where everyone was at any given moment.

"I think the answer to that is better left for another day," and he left it at that, but not without a small smirk that Lily would have missed if she had not been looking for it.

A/n So in the next chapter I'm going to change things up...just a little bit...you know...so stay tuned. Please review. Cheers.


	22. Hurt

Nothing could have prepared him for what had happened. Everything was supposed to work out, it always had, so why had things gone so horribly wrong at the last minute? Their spells had been correct, that he was sure of. They'd tested them several times in preparation, but it had been on a much smaller scale. Maybe that was the reason, but really it shouldn't have mattered. He was feeling sick, no worse than sick actually, if that was even possible. It was his fault, all his fault. It after all had all been his idea in the first place. Everyone else had just gone along for the ride. Now he was leading the pack as his friends were being marched up staircases and down corridors on their way to their execution. It was the end, he just knew it, but he would be grateful for the punishment. Then at least he could feel less guilty, or at least he hoped he would. It couldn't get much worse, could it?

He glanced over his shoulder at his friends. All of them had their heads hung and so he couldn't make eye contact with any of them, not that it really mattered though, because really what could he say to them? It wasn't any of them that he owed an apology to, it was the girl…his girl that he had hurt. The last images that he had seen of her was of her being magically carried by a floating stretcher out of the feast. Her auburn hair was cascading down over the edges of the stretcher and all he wanted to do was run after her and run his hands through her locks as he apologized profusely. But he couldn't do that, because as he was thinking this, his Head of House was bearing down on them with a very grim look on her face. Besides, Lily would not have wanted James by her side, at least not in front of the entire student body.

Professor McGonagall snapped at them harshly to get a move on. James had seen her angry before, he had also seen her furious on several unpleasant occasions, but today was different. No, today she was absolutely livid. Therefore as the four boys were escorted up to her office, it was clear that if they made it through the night without being expelled, then the stars were truly in line.

The door had barely slammed behind them before McGonagall was forcibly pushing her disgraced students down into hard-backed chairs that she had rapidly transfigured. It was evident that she was having a hard time controlling herself, and thus her magic as well because one of the chairs had five legs, whereas its neighbour only had three. Quite the slip up for a witch of her skill level.

Every one of the Marauders knew that they were in serious trouble. Remus was even paler than usual, Peter was looking like he was about to faint and Sirius, well Sirius was not even trying to crack a joke to lighten the mood.

The boys were all lined up in a row, in front of the Professors desk, but she did not sit down in her own seat. Instead she proceeded to stand behind them. A move that was meant to intimidate them, and it was working. Even James who had never been fearful of this woman in his life was now questioning what she was about to do. It in all honesty felt like they were lined up against the wall, waiting for the sound of the executioners approach.

Instead of screaming like it had initially looked like she was going to McGonagall spoke slowly, as if she was searching for the perfect word to use each time, "It is all fine to pull a prank. To change someones hair colour, to place all the tables from the Great Hall out into the centre of the Quidditch Pitch, even to cause the Headmaster to get up and do a jig at the start-of-term-feast. But this, this was not a prank. Today it went too far. You've sent one student to St. Mungo's-"

It was at the mention of the Wizarding Hospital in London that James' heart sunk just that little bit further. St. Mungo's meant that the injuries were beyond the care of the extremely capable matron, Madame Pomfrey. If James had said that he was feeling sick before, it was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now.

"-and you have terrified the younger students. It will not be long I assure you before we are bombarded by owls carrying letters from parents demanding answers, and what am I supposed to tell them? That four stupidly foolish boys from my own house took it upon themselves to have a little fun, and that this resulted in the hospitalization of not just a fellow student, but your classmate, housemate and your friend!" she put an enormous amount of emphasis on the last two words, which only made James cringe. It felt to him like McGonagall was trying to get another point across to him, and only him. Well, he was reading her loud and clear, and he understood completely that she wished to add another relationship to the end of that list, girlfriend. McGonagall was one of only a few people alive that knew that James and Lily were indeed a couple, contrary to the way they acted towards each other out in public.

James had hurt her. He'd hurt her and it was not just with his attitude, his words or his ignorance. No, this time he had physically injured her. Just when things had been going well between them, just when he thought he could convince her that they should go public with their relationship. It had been almost a year since that fateful night at Charity's New Year's Eve gathering, when James had gotten everything that he could have ever dreamt of. To bad it was all for nothing now.

"The thing is you have put me at a loss. I have never been put in a situation where I have been forced to punish four of my own students for something so stupid. I don't know what the correct recourse should be in a situation such as this. Mr. Black, you are being mighty quiet compared to your normal self, why don't you enlighten me with what you think the adequate punishment should be for a person in your situation?"

Sirius was practically trembling and had no idea what to say, because he knew what was coming. They were all about to be expelled. Their wands would be snapped and the only thing they'd be good for would be kindling. He didn't know if it would better their predicament if he spoke or just remained silent. The thing was, Sirius knew just as well as James did that it was James' spell that went astray. He also knew that it had been James' idea in the first place to design the prank for the feast. None of these things he would ever say aloud though, because a Marauder never ratted out another Marauder, no matter how desperately they wanted to save their own skin. Therefore, it was no surprise to James when his friend remanded tight lipped, even though James was secretly hoping that he would turn on him and blame him.

"I'm waiting Mr. Black, but while you think, Mr. Lupin," she turned to face Remus, "I would have thought you of all these dimwits would have had enough common sense in your brain to put a stop to something that had the likelihood of being so incredibly dangerous."

All Remus could do in response was hang his head just a little bit more. It definitely hurt him the most when people used the guilt card, and said that he should have been smarter, because he always prided himself on his intelligence.

While Remus and Sirius remained quite, both having enough sense that it would do them no good to open their mouths, one of their group who was lacking in the intelligence department did not possess the same sort of sense because he opened his mouth and quickly piped up, "but we tested it out before hand, many times and nothing bad happened."

Everyone's heads spun around as their eyes came to rest on the owner of the high pitched voice. Sirius was making slight motions with his head, as he tried to communicate with their friend that now was not the time to say this. His messages either were not received or to abstract to be understood by the chubby boy.

"I'm sorry," McGonagall rounded on the runt of the group, the one that usually avoided the interrogations such as this when the Marauders were summoned due to a prank, because no Professor believed that Peter was smart enough to have any real influence on the adventures of the Marauders.

Sirius was now vigorously shaking his head outside of McGonagall's line of vision, but Peter was still not catching on.

"Was there something else you'd like to add to this discussion Mr. Pettigrew?"

Miraculously, Peter must have somehow finally realized that Sirius was trying to communicate with him, because he abruptly shut his mouth and refused to say anything more.

Realizing that she was not going to be able to drag another word out from her students she gave up trying and instead resumed lecturing, "Now as I said I am at a loss as to how to punish you, and I am whole heartedly believing that I should snap your wands right now," this earned a shiver of dread from Remus, but still James did not even flinch. He was expecting that form of punishment, because really they had not given McGonagall any other option. They had used up all there luck and second chances over the years, "But that is not my decision to make. Therefore we will wait to determine your punishment when we hear how Miss Evans is managing in hospital, and after I talk with the Headmaster. Only then can we truly discuss an adequate punishment. Now I want you all out of my sight right now before I change my mind, but I hope that none of you sleep tonight and truly realize what you have done."

Peter did not need to be told twice. He picked himself up and scurried out of the room at an alarming pace. Remus was not far behind him and it looked like he was running off to the nearest loo to be sick. James did not jump up and follow his three friends who were currently putting as much distance between themselves and their Head of House as quickly as possible.

The door had slammed shut again behind Sirius and so now it was only Professor McGonagall and James sitting in the now silent office.

James' head was practically in his hands, and he was waiting for the Professor to turn back into his mentor and family friend. He was not going to be so lucky though.

"Did you have something you wished to say for yourself Mr. Potter?" McGonagall questioned him harshly. It was quickly evident that there would be no chance of talking things through with his mentor after all, as she had never called him Mr. Potter when it was just the two of them.

"No ma'am," James mumbled, as he figured it would do him no good to call her Min, like he typically did.

"Well then, you heard me, I want you out of my sight tonight."

James lumbered to his feet and stumbled his way towards the door, thinking the whole ways, why couldn't she have just snapped his wand then and there and gotten it over with? Right before he opened the door he stopped and turn to face McGonagall and said, "Sirius, Peter and Remus, they had nothing to do with this you realize that? It was all my idea, and my mistake. Test my wand and you'll see that the spell that did all the damage came from my wand. They had nothing to do with it. You don't need to punish them," it wasn't much, but it made James feel a little bit like a better person. It was a slight bit of redemption to protect his friends when he had just caused so much damage.

"I appreciate your honour, but rest assured I will be writing to inform your parents about this. Now did I not tell you to get out of here?"

James knew better than to push his luck any more and so he scurried out of the office with only one thought now on his mind. What were his parents going to say when they found out that the girl he had never stopped talking about was now in the hospital because of him? He had always wanted to take Lily to meet his parents, but she would have had nothing of it. He could now only image how things would work out when she finally agreed to go and meet them. That is, if she would ever forgive him, or even worse, if she recovered from her injuries. He couldn't think about that though, he just couldn't. Alas it was all he thought about though for the next nights as he lay in bed, wide eyed as everyone in his dorm slept around him. Maybe he was punishing himself, but he kept picturing over and over in his mind when the spell curved off in the wrong direction and landed squarely in the centre of his girlfriend's chest. She had teetered on her feet for several long seconds, a look of shock was evident on her face as she tried to process what was happening to herself. This was then followed by a completely blank expression, and then she had crumpled into a heap onto the shiny stone of the Great Hall. It was that look on her face that kept James from sleeping. It was a look of shock, fear and disgust when she ultimately saw whose wand the spell had originated from. The image would just never leave his mind.

xxx

James was pacing back and forth and trying desperately to catch his breath. He'd sprinted all the way up to her office. The word around the castle was that Lily Evans had finally been discharged from St. Mungo's and had arrived back at Hogwarts, but she was not out of the woods yet. The things with rumours at Hogwarts, was that they were usually correct, but James who was pacing around the solid wood desk that Professor McGonagall was sitting at still needed an official confirmation to fully believe it.

The last time he had been in this office was when he and his mates had been marched up there after their disastrous prank. He had not felt like he was welcome back after the blunt goodbye he had gotten from Professor McGonagall, but he was desperate now for answers. The rumours were flying around the school and James needed answers.

"She's back isn't she?" it took all of his strength to mutter those few simple words.

"She is," McGonagall nodded. She still appeared hard and angry, but not to the same extent that she had been before.

This didn't matter though to James. He needed somebody to talk to, and she had always been the one he went to when he needed help. He didn't care if she didn't want to be around him anymore, he still needed her.

"Oh Min," he cried, as his eyes were swimming and he fought back tears for reasons unknown. He had cried in front of McGonagall before, several times actually, something he had never done in front of any other human being ever. "I've really screwed it up this time. I didn't mean for anything like this to happen, ever. I honestly don't know what went wrong. Now people are saying that she can't…she can't…" he couldn't finish his sentence. It was like if he actually placed his thoughts into words it had to be true.

McGonagall knew what he was hinting at however and so she gently finished it for him, "Yes, she's back here under the care of Madame Pomfrey, but she has a long way to go. The spell its seems has erased her memory and we don't have the slightest clue why."

It was what James had been dreading hearing. Her memory was gone and it was all his fault.

"And James," McGonagall said softly, "I believe you. It was indeed a simple enough spell, well not for your training level, but simple enough for a fully trained wizard. You were not the first to try it, but we have never seen such an awful backfire. We don't know why it happened, and I do know that you tested it and really did intend no harm. As malicious as some individuals may claim you are, the Headmaster and I both know that you were never intending to injure anyone."

James was in shock, here McGonagall was comforting him. It was a complete one-eighty twist from her wanting to rip out their throats the other night. He did not know what to say to this.

"I'm sure Lily will understand that she was not the intended target. I myself saw the light refract in the strangest way and I have no explanation for it."

"Can I go see her?" James hiccuped.

McGonagall didn't answer right away but after a few moments of silence she shook her head.

Outraged, James let to his feet, "But she's here in the castle and she is my girlfriend. She would want me there with her," at least he hoped this was the case, but he never knew, you could never be one-hundred percent sure with Lily, "I mean I can help speed up her recovery, I can help her remember things. Oh please," it was then that he realized that he was begging and pleading.

"I can't let you go see her. I am under orders, not even my own decision, and I can't let you in to see her. You could damage what progress she has made. She needs to be by herself, so she can remember things naturally."

"You mean you are forbidding me from entering a place in the school, where every other student is allowed to go?''

"No, not just you, nobody is allowed in to see her until she has recovered more, I'm sorry."

"This is ridiculous," James exclaimed.

"James, sit down," McGonagall calmly said, but it was too late as James was by now making his way over to the door, "James, maybe you don't understand why you can't go and see her, and I know you think that her recovery will speed up if she has somebody she cares about around, even if it just in the wee hours of the night, but I hope you understand that under no circumstances are you to tell her who you are, or anything about who she is. It's for her own good, she needs to remember things on her own for them to be true memories. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," James replied glumly, before he exited the office. He would have been bummed if it wasn't for the fact that he had seen McGonagall's eyes twinkle, right as he was leaving. He understood completely what she was saying. He was not allowed to go and see Lily, but McGonagall knew that James thought the rules didn't apply to him. Therefore while she couldn't condone him breaking into the hospital wing, she could at least make it be known to him that if he did go to see Lily, he was not allowed to reveal anything to her. It wasn't the best arrangement, but at least it was something James could live with.

As it turned out, going to visit Lily was one of the hardest things James had ever had to do. The guilt and shame were overwhelming, and when combined with the fear that he was feeling about whether she would and could make a full recovery, it was making him feel permanently nauseous.

It had been awhile since James and his Marauder friends had been marched up to McGonagall's office after their failed prank, but ironically, nobody had been punished for the damages they had inflicted, at least not yet. McGonagall had left it hanging that they would sort out the consequences later, but how much later she had not said. James had to marvel at how lucky they all were. Both his friends and Lily who was slowly but steadily recovering.

James had walked into the boys dorm room late one night and he caught the end of a conversation between the other three Marauders. Sirius and Remus had been discussing how they had not been given even a single detention, which was bizarre because at one point that had been sure they were about to surrender their wands. James had a feeling though, but he had never told his mates, that McGonagall had respected what he had said about placing the blame solely on him. While she had never disciplined him, she had allowed him to sit every night at the bedside of his mistakes. If James had to be honest, that hurt him more than cleaning any trophy case or potions classroom ever would, and he believed McGonagall and the Headmaster both knew this.

xxx

He'd been wandering around the corridors of the castle, trying not to think. He was a fool. Every time he did something right, he would turn around and somehow screw it up even worse than it had ever been. They say that a guy can never understand the subtleties that a woman is intending, but for James they had been standing right in front of him, screaming at him, and he'd still missed them. He could say that he was trying to protect her, but really he had been trying to protect himself. He had been scared, and as a result, he had neglected her and hurt her. Something he had been trying so hard not to do.

The castle was quite by now. Everyone had gone quickly to bed after supper. It had been a long day of traveling, and everyone was exhausted from their Christmas adventures. Due to the complete silence, the sound of James' heels clicking on the stone floor echoed back at him. If he wasn't so used to travelling around the castle after curfew, then he probably would have been spooked. If not just by the sounds, but by the odd pockets of chills and the long shadows that graced the corridors. Instead he found it strangely comforting. It was a place he could think. Something he was grateful of sometimes, and dreadful of other times. Today was a mixture of both, however.

His feet carried him through the corridors, until he decided to rest for a moment on the ledge of one of the windows that overlooked the Quidditch Pitch. The pitch had been another spot where James felt most at home. He was hoping that by staring down at it from four stories up, it would bring him some inspiration. Amazingly enough, it did.

James reached into his back pocket and pulled out a tattered piece of parchment. It just looked like scrap, and on more than one occasion, James had had to rescue it from his mother's clutches as she was hurriedly trying to light a fire in the grate. It was those moments in his life that were going to put James into an early grave, he could just tell. He quickly ushered the thoughts of his mother away, because that just reminded him of the other girl in his life. The things was, he still wasn't quite sure if she was still in his life.

A quick charm murmured under his breath later and he found himself staring at a map of Hogwarts Castle. It was one of his shining accomplishments. Quickly he scanned every floor, starting at the dungeons. He didn't quite know what he was looking for, but knew that he should just keep looking. What caught his attention was a scurrying name, only a few floors up from where he was. After taking a moment to look at the image, he jumped to his feet and started to run. Something wasn't right.

He kept the map open in front of him and watched it with one eye as he catapulted himself up staircase after staircase. He knew the castle very well, so he could cut corners and take passageways that would lead him closer to the person he was chasing after. He didn't quite know what he'd say once he reached them, but he'd get to that later. All he knew was that from the speed the figure on the map was moving, something just wasn't right.

Pretty quickly it became evident where she was headed and that only made him run faster. He had to get there, before she did something stupid. There had been too much stupid going on lately as it was. It had all been his fault in the first place, and he was having a hard time living with himself as it was, so he couldn't let her hurt herself again, all because of him.

The staircase that he was now climbing was closing in around him, as it wound higher and higher up towards the top of the tower. Each step was getting steeper, but he pressed on, he had to. Since he knew now where her final destination was, he decided it was safe to mutter, "Mischief Managed," and throw the crumpled map into his pocket.

He blew through the archway into the tower and saw her teetering on the ledge and he reacted. Before he knew it she was lying safely on the cold stone. He could have cried with relief, but he didn't have a chance to get to that.

It was when she started talking about forever that he knew he had to tell her. Not tonight, no, she'd already been through too much, but tomorrow maybe. They'd get together and he'd start from the beginning. He didn't care any longer about what McGonagall said, or Madame Pomfrey. He was going to do things his way now and set the record straight. He was going to do it because he was absolutely in love with this girl, and he could not afford to loose her, and if the adults didn't understand, well then that was their problem.

With a sense of closure, James went to bed that night and closed his eyes and for the first time in a long time drifted quickly off to sleep.

xxx

a/n So kind of a brief recap of what happened, and a little bit of a preview of what's to come, so stay tuned, I promise you, it will come together. Just a note, I know some people weren't please with how I portrayed Mrs. Potter when she met Lily a few chapters back, but I hope you understand now after reading this chapter, that maybe there was a bit more to the story than just an instant dislike towards Lily. Thanks for reading and please review. Cheers


	23. More Than a Memory

The corridors were abuzz with chatter, or so Lily had been told by one of her dorm mates. She was a timid girl that typically tried to stay clear of any forms of excitement, whether good or bad. Maybe timid wasn't the correct word to describe the petit brunette that Lily had shared a dorm with for years, but of whom she still knew very little about. Skittish was probably a better word. Any time Lily had ever tried to talk to the girl, she had gotten the impression that all she wanted to do was flee in the opposite direction. It had taken the girls over a week upon their arrival to Hogwarts as first years to even learn that her name was Jeanie. That's why it shocked Lily when she was confronted by the usually quiet girl, as she made her way out of the bathroom.

Lily had her towel clasped between her hands and she was vigorously scrunching her thick mane of hair between its layers, in an attempt to draw out as much moisture as possible. Her feet were bare, having just climbed out of the tub she though she could make a quick dash for her trunk to get dressed. Instead she was caught off guard by somebody blocking her path.

What Jeanie lacked in height, she made up for in volume of hair. Her entire head was covered in violent curls that cascaded halfway down her back. It was because of the hair alone that she appeared to fill up the entire doorway from the bathroom to the dormitory.

"Morning," Lily murmured quickly, once she got over the shock of being snuck up on.

She absentmindedly went to step around the other girl, but was again caught off guard when she actually got a reply to her greeting, something that had never occurred ever before.

"Have you been down to breakfast yet?" Jeanie questioned.

Lily didn't think she had ever heard a full sentence leave those lips, and so it was with good reason that it took her a minute to fathom what was actually happening. All those weeks that they had spent as first years trying to get to know the girls they would be spending the next seven years with and they had come up empty handed. All Jeanie had had to say was simple one word answers, that really did not answer any of their questions. Then to finally hear not just a full sentence, but a structured question, it was almost too much to handle for Lily who had let her towel fall limp in her hands.

"I…ah…I mean, no I haven't. Why?" she was confused. Had something bad happened? But why was this girl coming to spread the news to her, why not somebody else? It was a silly question though for Lily to even think, because who else would there be? The only two people she was really on speaking terms with were Remus and Sirius ironically enough, and neither of them would be permitted up the girl's staircase. Charity would never come near her again, even if something terrible had happened, she would only revel in the glory of making Lily suffer. Then there was Rosalyn, and after the way she had glared at Lily at supper the night before, Lily didn't think they'd be best mates again any time soon, if ever.

"They're talking," Jeanie all but whispered in an erie sounding voice. Now this was more of the Jeanie that they all were accustomed to.

The lightbulb failed to click on in Lily's head, as she was just as confused as ever, "Who?"

"Everyone."

Now Lily was getting frustrated. Did this girl really have anything valuable to tell her, or was she just crazy? As soon as she thought this, Lily felt instantly remorseful. After all, it had not been too long before that she herself had been trapped in both the hospital and her mind simultaneously, as she fought to remember even the most basic things about herself.

"I don't understand," Lily tried to keep her voice calm and steady, but her mind was screaming and demanding answers. All she asked for anymore was answers, but she always seemed to come up empty handed.

The times were changing though it seemed, because Jeanie opened her mouth once again and this time the answers began to flow, "You know how this place is, once they catch wind of something whether true or not, it spreads. People saw you yesterday. They saw you sitting in their compartment on the train, and they saw you come in one after the other last night. Like you were trying to make it look like you weren't together. Maybe it is all coincidence, maybe it's not true, but that's just what the word is in the castle. I figured you should have a heads up so you at least know what you're facing. I know how disgusted you will be to hear that people think that you and him are together."

Lily didn't know what to say. If the quietest girl in the entire school was going out of her way to warn Lily, nothing good could be waiting for her. That's why it felt like all the more reason to pull her robe tighter around her and snuggled back into her comfortable four-poster, with the curtains drawn back around her to shield her from the horrors outside. Maybe once she had a nice, peaceful sleep she'd know what to do. Or better still, maybe the problems would all have magically disappeared once she awoke.

Mindlessly Lily's feet started to propel her forwards, but she didn't get far because a hand had shot out in front of her.

"Here," Jeanie once again returned to the use of only one word.

In her outstretched palm lay a rolled up piece of parchment which Lily gingerly reached out and grasped.

"Thank you," Lily whispered.

Jeanie nodded.

"No, for everything," Lily really was grateful for the heads up, not that she really knew what to do with the newfound information though. Maybe it really was just a good incentive to go back to bed.

"For what it's worth," Jeanie interrupted Lily's thoughts, "I think that Charity and Rosalyn didn't deserve you. Not that my opinion really holds any value though."

Lily could almost feel a tear forming in the corner of her eye. Who was this girl and why had her personality seemed to change over night? It almost made Lily feel guilty for not investing even more time than she initially had to get to know her better. Before she had a chance to thank her new friend again, she had disappeared back the way she had come from. Leaving Lily a clear path that would lead her directly to her beckoning four-poster. She wasn't going to do that though, because in her hand she held the key to what was going on.

As she scanned the page quickly, she knew that going back to bed was now completely out of the question, and so instead she walked over to her trunk and proceeded to get dressed with a purpose.

Just as the note had instructed, she walked out of the portrait hole and made the first left turn, followed by another quick right. Even though Lily had been walking these corridors as a student for years, she had a feeling that it was not just her memory failing her when she thought it wasn't a place she had really ventured to often, if at all. It was off the beaten track, and most students didn't come this way if they were on their way to class. The only few that ever really took the first left when exciting the portrait hole, were just doing so because they were wandering mindlessly or exploring.

When Lily had first unravelled the parchment, what had instantly caught her attention was the two words standing out on top. _It's time, _it read, and those words were then followed by the instructions on where to meet.

While she had initially been motivated to go and see this thing through, it took for her to get completely dressed before realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good plan. Maybe she would just be better off leaving things as they were and walking away. The problem with this, was that Lily still felt like she had unfinished business to attend to. If she walked away now, she would always wonder if she had have gone and met him, would things have worked themselves out? That was why, even as a part of her was furious at herself for giving in and giving him yet another chance, she knew she had to. The thing was, she had been hurt enough already, really what was one more time if it had the potential to give her the answers that she wanted? From the heading of the message it appeared, at least she hoped it wasn't just her wishing it so, that things were about to change. She wished as she walked down the girl's staircase that she could say this would be the last time she'd let him hurt her, but the problem with James Potter was that for some reason, she found herself putting herself time and time again into the same position to be hurt. The real question though was, was it really worth it? Was he worth it? The even sadder reality was that despite all that he had put her through, Lily suspected, no rather she knew that the answer to those questions were a quick yes. Two questions that she did in fact know the answers to.

Upon rounding the last corner that the instructions had told her to, she found herself wanting to run up to the boy leaning against the wall and give him a hug, at the same time she wanted to run up and give him a smack across the face. It really was a confusing position to be in. Instead of doing either however, she just stayed put. He was still quite a ways away from her, and so it was extremely unlikely that he had heard her approach. Therefore she had a little time to prepare herself, or even back out and walk away if she so chose, but she didn't want to do that. Instead she just hung back, trying to calm her breathing.

Due to the fact that he was some distance away from her still, she couldn't make out what was exactly on the piece of parchment that he was staring at. It was odd, she felt like he was always staring at some scrap of parchment, but he always managed to hide it before anybody could get close enough to take a look at what it was. It was like he had eyes on the back of his head and knew exactly when a person was approaching him, so he could hide it in time. It was only the tip of the iceberg though when it came time to figuring out the mysteries of the raven-haired boy.

Just as he had always managed to do, he murmured something that Lily was too far away to hear, and then he folded up the parchment delicately and tucked it away in his pocket. As soon as it was safely away he turned in Lily's direction and looked directly at her, like he knew that she was standing there, watching him, but how?

"I didn't think you'd come," he said softly upon seeing her standing there, "I mean, I had hoped you would, but after everything that has happened I really didn't expect you to actually show up."

Suddenly her feet began to propel her towards him, and her hand reached out. It surprised even herself, but she completely broke the boundaries of personal space and reached into the pocket where James had just stored or rather hidden his parchment. The look of shock on James' face was not enough however to make Lily stop. Only once her hand connected with the worn parchment that was soften due to age and wear, did she finally back away.

Excitedly she started to unfold the parchment. Finally she'd get to figure out one of his secrets. Surprisingly enough James didn't make a move to stop her. He was almost smirking as she did this, which confused her greatly. If this was something he was usually so keen on hiding from her, why was he suddenly finding it entertaining that she was finally holding it in her hands?

Lily unfortunately received her answer when she came up completely empty handed after scanning every inch of the parchment. There was absolutely nothing written on it. All it was, was a tattered piece of blank parchment.

"Argh," Lily exhaled, her frustration was building. It was typical, just one more secret that she wasn't privy to knowing the answer to. With that she crumpled up the parchment and threw the wadded up ball back at James, "here, you can keep this useless piece of fire starter," she hissed.

"I'm happy to see you too," he tried to lighten the mood, but decided he would be risking too much if he added, _and for a minute I thought you were happy to see me too, seeing as you went directly to my crotch._

Just as he had expected, she didn't figure his comment needed or warranted a reply, and so she remanded silent. She was now feeling the full effects of what she had just done and she was in a little bit of shock regarding her boldness. Had she really just marched in there and done what she had done? Apparently she had, but maybe she should take a lesson from that. She should harness the empowering feeling she had had and bottle it up for later. The way her life was going, she would sure need it.

"I've got us breakfast, are you hungry?" James' voice returned to a softer, more caring tone. Without waiting for a reply, he gently reached out and carefully yet firmly grasped Lily's elbow. He then proceeded to direct her to the end of the corridor.

Lily had missed it in the first place, she had been too distracted by what James had been looking at, to see that beyond him at the very end of the corridor was a picnic blanket. It was the stereotypical red and white checked blanket, with the wicker basket pushed off to the side and overflowing with goodies. James helped Lily to sit down and then he proceeded to do the same.

They were slightly tucked away in a rather spacious nook at the end of the corridor, and because it was a dead end in a deserted part of the castle, Lily didn't figure they would be interrupted. Even if they were, they would have a lot of warning because the corridor that extended back was pretty long.

The windows above their head looked out over the lake, which was glistening in the morning chill.

Suddenly Lily felt James' hand brush over her shoulders and so she spun around in that direction, but she calmed down once she saw that he was merely wrapping a thick blanket over her shoulders. He then draped a second one over both of their outstretched legs. He had thought of everything.

"The upside with going into an unused part of the castle is that you are not likely to be disturbed, the downside however is that there is no fires or even torches burning for heat," he commented quietly.

"That's okay," Lily replied so softly that James had to strain his ears to hear her, "I like it this way."

After this neither of them uttered another word for what felt like an eternity. Finally James began to busy himself in the picnic basket. He emerged some time later with a couple of plates and the necessary cutlery. After handing one of the place settings of to Lily, he dove back in. This time he came out with a bowl of what appeared to be a festival fruit salad. It was only the first of many wonderful looking things that James would pull out for them to eat.

By the time they were all set up, Lily had a mug of steaming hot cocoa with cute little fluffy marshmallows bobbing around in the drink, and a plate heaped with delicious looking food. The thing was, the food really was no different from what they would have been served if they had have gone down to the Great Hall, but it just seemed a lot more special and thus significantly more delicious this way, at least in Lily's opinion.

They both started to eat, neither one of them saying anything truly meaningful while they ate. It was mostly just small talk. Once their plates were cleared though and the drinks had been topped up things began to happen. What had initially been a gap between their two bodies was now closing in, and Lily didn't know if it was herself or James that had closed the up the space between their bodies. Now their hips were touching and their arms kept brushing against each other, but neither of them made any move to pull away from the other.

It wasn't Lily's position to start the ball rolling. James had made the first move by inviting her here, and because of that she would sit and wait for him to decide what he was going to say. Besides, she really didn't know if she had that much more to say to him. After all, she'd done most of the talking every other time they'd been together. They were overdue for him to start talking, and so she continued to wait.

Eventually James turned to her and grasped her hand within his.

"I want to be honest with you," he began.

It took all of Lily's self control to keep herself from snorting. All this time he had acted like he had been telling her the truth, and now he was saying he hadn't been?

James must have registered Lily's distaste for what he had just said, because he quickly made a move to clarify what he meant, "I say that, not because what I have already told you has been a lie, which it hasn't been I can assure, but because I have been leaving a lot out. Stuff that I think you deserve to know now. Not that before I didn't think you should know it, it's just, well, complicated. I mean, I wanted to tell you, but I had been ordered not to."

Now Lily was definitely confused. What was going on and what was he talking about, somebody telling him what to do? Lily didn't think that anybody had that sort of control over James. Apparently somebody did, now she just was curious who that person was, and how she could get them on her side.

"Who wouldn't let you?" she tentatively questioned him.

James sighed and then added, "The thing is, I'm still being ordered not to tell you any of this. I just don't think it's going to do anybody any good to keep it buried any longer. So yes, I'm going against McGonagall's direct orders because I think you deserve to know, but also because it has literally been killing me trying to keep this from you."

He had snagged her attention now, that was for sure, "Go on," she encouraged him, and to show him her feelings she squeezed his hand gently. So, McGonagall, that was definitely very, very interesting Lily mulled over her newfound knowledge.

"Okay," James sucked in a deep breath, "the thing is, I don't really know where to begin."

"How about at the beginning," Lily suggested calmly. She meant it as a genuine suggestion, but she hoped that he wouldn't take it offensively.

"We might be here for a while then," he tried to joke, "then again, maybe not. If I start right at the beginning you'll probably get up and walk away and never look back. Some of the stuff I have to say does not shine too favourably on me I must admit."

"You'll never know until you try," Lily really wanted to hear what he had to say. She truly believed that she was only minutes away from receiving the answers that she had desperately but unsuccessfully fought to remember for so long.

Without any more prompting, James suddenly dove in and started to explain to Lily the vital information that had been missing from her memory.

"Last New Year's Eve, Charity's family held a party just as they did again this time. Before I go any further though, I'm just going to say, I don't know how much of this you know or don't know, so I'm going to explain it like you don't know any of it, something I assume to be true. So last year we were both at Charity's party and I have to say that the best thing in my life happened that night. I don't know why you finally did it then and there, but as the clock chimed midnight you turned and kissed me. To say it had caught me off guard would probably be the understatement of this millennium. I mean, here was the girl that I had been absolutely crazy about for so long making a move and kissing me. Things had been, how should I say this, more civil between us during the lead up to this, but I could have never foreseen what was about to unfold. All those years of you hating me, I really don't know why you suddenly changed your mind. You never really told me, at least not specifically what I had done to redeem myself. Now I know what you're probably thinking, that I'm just spouting off some made up story in an attempt to win your trust, but I'm not. I'm really not, but again, I have no way to prove this though."

"This was at Loddington House?" Lily voiced her question with a trembling voice.

James nodded his response.

"Then I believe you. It explains a lot."

Now it was James' turn to raise his own question, "I don't understand."

"It is really simply really. I have found that I have remembered pretty much everything about my life. Friends, family, vacations, you name it and I could remember at least something about it. That's why I found it odd that I had absolutely no recollection of attending the New Year's Eve Party last year or ever going to Loddington House for that matter, because really there seemed to be no sound reason why it was evading me. The only thing that was completely gone from my memory was you, and anything that had to do with you. That's why I figured something had had to have happened between us at a Loddington House. Otherwise, why could I not remember ever going there? The thing is, that while everyone has been telling me to stay clear of you, one of the main things that has been drawing me back towards you is because you have mysteriously vanished from my memory. Maybe it's because you are a terrible person and did horrible things to me, but I don't think that's the case. No, I think the reality is that there is a lot more to this story and I'm glad that somebody is finally stepping up to the plate and going to try and explain it to me."

After taking a deep breath to calm her jitters after her long-winded explanation, Lily motioned rather awkwardly for James to continue on with his version of the story, "I'm sorry I interrupted you."

"No, no, feel free to do exactly that at any time if you have any questions."

"Oh, I most certainly have questions. It kind of comes with the territory though. I mean, having your memory wiped completely clean does seem to put you in a constant state of confusion."

Things seemed to be going pretty well because they were not just talking but there was a sense of humour about it all now, and it didn't hurt that they were sitting pressed up against each other under a blanket. Even if it was only for warmth, or so Lily would have explained if anyone were to have caught them sitting so closely together. What she didn't know how'd she explain was why they were sitting together in the first place

"So what happened next?" Lily wanted to know more. She felt like she was a young child again who was demanding for her bedtime story to be read quicker, so she could find out the ending. As Lily grew older however, she realized that she could combat the sorrow and anxiety associated with reading a book, by simply reading the ending first. Unfortunately, this method wouldn't work for this story, because she was already at the ending, and it wasn't making the rest of the plot fall neatly into place.

"Well, you kind of avoided me for oh, about a month."

Lily was completely and utterly shocked. No, shocked was not a strong enough word to describe her feelings at that exact moment. How could she have had the will power to stay away from him for that long? It seemed unfathomable now to her.

"A month?" she expressed her displeasure at herself, "what an awful, awful person I was. Why would I do such a thing?" it wasn't really a question directed towards him. She didn't figure he would have the answer to it, and now because neither did she, the answer would never be known.

"The thing was, just about as quickly as this all started, you came around and then I couldn't get you to leave me alone."

"I don't understand," Lily practically whimpered.

James sighed, "Let me really start from the beginning then. You see, it all revolves around Charity…"

That was exactly the last thing Lily was wanting to hear at this point in time.

"…But before I go any further I want you to know that by Valentine's Day we were a couple."

It hurt James to finally say those words because he didn't know what Lily's reactions was going to be towards this news. As it turned out, he had nothing to fear, at least if the smile that instantly spread across Lily's face had anything to say.

"Oh thank you Merlin," Lily almost jumped to her feet, "you know, when I first saw you in the Hospital Wing, I was worried that you were my best friend or even worse, my brother or something bizarre like that and I was upset because I instantly felt this attraction towards you and…" she stopped mid-sentence when her mind finally caught up to what her mouth was spouting off. Her mind was now yelling at her to stop talking, because she didn't know if she really could trust him yet.

James couldn't hide his chuckle, which once Lily realized that he found this all incredibly funny, she began to blush a deep scarlet. Oh, the joys of being a redhead.

It was all back to business shortly after that, and it wasn't going to be fun, as the topic of Charity was brought up once again.

"So, back to the New Year's Eve Party. Charity saw you kiss me and to put it kindly, she freaked. Apparently she was developing these feelings for me that she had been planning to act on, but you beat her to it. You may be thinking that Charity has just been acting oddly towards you since your accident, but that has pretty much been how she's acted for as long as I've known her. With Charity, it's all about Charity, and it doesn't matter who stands in her way. It's a great quality for a Quidditch Player, but an awful one, if I do say so myself, for a friend. Once we later got together you later told me that the reason you just disappeared off the face of the earth for a month was because you were trying to mediate your friendship. After a while, you realized that you were never going to win against Charity."

It was at that point that a piece was not fitting into the puzzle correctly and so Lily raised her point, "Why then is Charity now telling me that I hate you or I'm supposed to hate you?"

"Isn't it obvious," James burst out, but then realized exactly what he was saying. Nothing was obvious to Lily because of her accident, no his accident that caused her problems, "I'm sorry that sounds harsh, I just mean, Charity was telling you anything that would keep us apart, regardless of whether it was true or not."

Still, it didn't seem to fit together nicely to Lily. Sure, she knew that Charity had been lying to her all along, but that one thing just didn't seem to be a lie. It just seemed to be way too familiar sounding to Lily, for it to be totally made up. It was just a hunch, and Lily had nothing to back it up so she decided that she wouldn't think about it until later when she was alone.

'Lily, I can see that you're sceptical. The thing is, you had hated me from day one and I well, I have been in love with you since day one. I pretty much began asking you out from that point on and needless to say, I really ticked you off. It didn't really help my case that I kept asking you over and over again in front of a lot of people even though you're a pretty private person, but your answer always remained the same much to my complete disappointment. Then something changed in you, you told me yourself. It was at the end of third year, just as we were getting off the train at King's Cross for the summer, I tried one last time. By that time I knew what your answer was going to be, but what had changed was that you hesitated before saying it. I knew that something was different, but you still kept up the show for some time after that. Probably because you are so strong willed that you'd rather feed yourself to the Giant Squid, than betray your word. After all that time, your hatred had simmer down and turned into something a lot more beneficial to me."

How could something sound so foreign, yet so familiar? Lily couldn't help but wonder. She felt like she had never heard these words before, or lived this story, but still everything just felt so right. That was one of the reasons that she was trusting what was being said to her, because it just felt right. Nothing else anybody had said to her before this possessed that same amazing feeling.

"Something that is definitely one of the things I love about you, but I must admit, was really getting on my nerves around that time is that you are so true to your word. You were not going to fall for me, simply because you vowed during our first train ride that you wouldn't. The thing is, you lost that battle with yourself. So, then after years of telling everyone that would listen to you that you couldn't stand me, you really couldn't back up and admit that you were wrong, because Lily if there's something you hate more than going against your word, it is admitting you're wrong."

Lily blushed at this comment, and hung her head in shame. How was it that he knew so much about her?

"When I said earlier, that things had been going good between us before the New Year's Eve party, I should have been more specific. By that I mean, we were working towards a relationship, but it was an uphill climb. You can't just erase years worth of history over night. Maybe we weren't a couple yet, but I think I'm pretty safe in saying that we were friends. We'd done a lot of talking and I think that when you finally kissed me at that party, it was your way of saying that you had moved on from thinking about what everyone else around you was thinking about you. What you didn't expect was that one of your best friends would freak out like she did."

A weight had just been lifted off of Lily's chest. Now she could live with herself. While she had initially fought with herself over why she had more of a right to James over Charity, she now knew that James and her had had something going on for a lot longer than she had initially believed. It was all beginning to make sense, at last.

James had realized that Lily was lost in her own thoughts and so he didn't push her. Instead he just remained quiet and allowed her to mull over everything he had just said.

After a significant amount of time had passed James asked Lily if she was ready to carry on, she was.

"After Charity had her little tantrum you had a lot of back-pedalling to do. You pulled away from me and tried to patch up your friendship, although for the life of me I can't see why you would want to make amends with her. Anyway, that is really beside the point, and not my call to make at all, so I apologize for that. Charity didn't make it easier for you though. You never told me any details, but when you finally approached me once again in February, you just blurted out without any warning that if we were going to do this we had to keep it a secret. By this point I was just so relieved that you had finally said yes to me, that I really didn't even think about what keeping a relationship a secret actually meant. It worked though, at least we made it work. Sure I would have liked to take you out in public, but I was happy enough to just be with you, wherever that happened to be."

Lily was feeling bad, she could see the pain that she had caused him. All because she was playing some stupid game with her so called friend, or trying to save herself from hearing the jeers issued by her fellow students. Most of which were probably just in her head.

"Maybe then that's why Charity told you that you hated me, because you pretty much acted that way around me when we were around other people. I think you did it because you were trying to save face. If you started to tone down towards me, people would start questioning what had happened. Charity may very well have thought that you had gone back to not being able to stand the sight of me."

She could also see that it was hurting him to tell her all of this. None of it was cheerful conversation, but she appreciated it greatly that he was finally doing this for her.

"James."

"What?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For telling me all of this, I know it can't be easy to relieve all of this, and while I'm at it, I'm sorry."

"For what?" he was beginning to sound like he only had two words in his vocabulary.

"For how I treated you for so long, and then making you keep us a secret. I don't really know what my motive was, but hearing you explain it to me makes it sound so stupid, whatever the reason happened to be."

He nodded, but Lily didn't quite know if he was accepting her apology or just confirming that he had heard what she had to say.

Lily absentmindedly fiddled with the empty mug that was sitting beside her. The hot liquid in it had long since disappeared.

"Did you want some more?" James asked her, when he saw her staring at the inside of the empty mug.

She nodded her head and before she knew it she had another mugful of the wonderful drink. Now it was time to move forward to her next question, and it was sure to be another big one.

a/n Whew, it appears that both myself and James have A LOT of explaining to do. You won't be disappointed, I promise, or at least I can hope that to be true. You guys all know what's coming…the only question is, how is Lily going to react when she hears the explanation behind why her memory was wiped in the first place? Well, that and much more is still to come so stay tuned. Anyway, thanks for reading this and please let me know what you think.


End file.
